To feel invisible

[FromTheNorth1]

I’ve had to move around quite a lot in the last few years due to my demanding job and have found it very isolating, especially during lockdown. I have now changed careers and have decided to settle where I am as it was taking such a toll on my mental health. (For context I am single and have a secondary age child.)

I have a handful of (who I thought were) close friends I’ve known for years, most living within an hour or so of me. Despite my efforts to stay in touch I feel completely invisible. I don’t hound anyone or message constantly, I work 5 days a week which takes up a lot of my time. But whenever I do try to catch up with friends and see how they’re doing I get one word answers or just a single emoji as a reply. One woman who has always called herself my best friend for years for example, will just respond ‘yes/no’ ‘okay’ or ‘nice’ to any text I send, but at the same time will be sharing videos, memes etc on Facebook all day long. It seems to be the same with other friends too. Any attempt to make plans never seems to materialise but they’re posting photos of nights out on social media. There was a school reunion thing which I also wasn’t invited to.

I’ve made a real effort with people at my new job, but it seems very cliquey and I feel like an outsider. I’m left out of after work events and ignored in the work group chat. Ive also tried making an effort with people in the area I’ve moved to but it’s almost like I’m invisible. I joined some local groups and also Bumble BFF, but after the initial conversation they seem to go quiet unless I message them first or they’re too busy with work to arrange anything.

When my child went away for a week on a school trip I realised that I hadn’t spoken to another person, except customers at work, for that entire week. I stayed in bed for days, started having dark thoughts about my funeral and how there will be no one there and have started to become paranoid that there’s something wrong with me. I’ll end up so depressed that I’m doing toxic things like drinking alone or going on Tinder dates just so I have someone to talk to, which always ends badly.

Has anyone been in the same boat?

I didn't want to read and run! I'm so sorry about how you're feeling. I don't know what to suggest because it sounds like you're really trying. I think since restrictions have lifted, people are so busy catching up on everything they've missed.

Can you talk to your friend about how you're feeling? She might be a bit more thoughtful if she knows you're struggling

Hi FromTheNorth, I went through a period similar to what you're experiencing now, so I empathise. We moved to a different county and although I tried to keep old friendships going they mostly fizzled out, and the ones that didn't exist mainly through text now. The village we movedto was very cliquey and I wasn't made welcome at the school, although our neighbours were lovely.

About 4 years ago I discovered Meetup, through a suggestion on a MN thread, so I looked at what was available locally and joined a social group and a walking group. I still enjoy the walking group but the social group wasn't a good fit for me, so I bit the bullet and set up my own Meetup group for women of around my age. It took a while, but it's grown into a lovely group. It's no longer a Meetup group, we just organise stuff through Facebook now.

There's no easy answer, but I think you need a plan. Look at Meetup, look on FB for social groups near you. Consider starting your own group, you have nothing to lose.

If you're in our around Worcestershire PM me.

I met my close friends through the Women's Institute, perhaps have a look at groups that have an activity (not just WI) as it can be easier to get talking to people if you're doing something.
Like you I never really gelled with colleagues in a way that lead to out of work friendship, it feels very isolating and I'm sorry that you're feeling this way OP

🌸

I had a job where I travel overseas a lot and was never around for social stuff. It kills your social life. You aren't the only one.
Now you are settled can you take up local park run, join a choir, but chose things that are close so people don't need to commit three hours to see you, you can run into them in the supermarket or Waterstones instead. What about the pta, or your neighbours?

I'm surprised by Bumble BFF, a friend of mine has met loads of people on there. I think you may need to persevere with it a bit more, it can be tricky finding your people.

Are you a member at a gym? Classes are pretty social.

Your friend sounds pissed off with you. Could you have an open conversation with her?