Cut Contact with Sister ?

[DeedledeDee]

Myself and sister in 60s.
I have large family,She has none.
She dwells on the past hugely,always talking about people dying etc.
Our mum died of old age and then In the last year a brother and sister died of COVID. She is upset by this naturally but tends to bring up the past so often. We had an abusive childhood. I'm youngest of 6 kids.
I find it draining and really negative.
But when we text she never asks about my kids or has visited them over the years.
I have 5 kids,the youngest two - special needs, the eldest is severe ill and bedbound. She never offers help or asks after any of them
Now me and her and another brother are the last three left of our family. The recent deaths a year apart were brother and sister who were both 75 when they died.
The latest text from her says to make the most of what time we have left as we will likely die around 75 too !!
Our mum was 95 when she passed but she doesn't think we are healthy enough to last that long.
I'm so sick of her negativity and lack of concern for my kids.
I've told her I don't want to dwell on the past but she keeps on and on.
She is 200 miles south of me and I dread her visits ,she comes up 2 times a year.
I've blocked her texts now

Am I unreasonable?
Or am I reasonable?

The latest text from her says to make the most of what time we have left as we will likely die around 75 too!!

Have you actually told her you’re sick of listening to her moaning? If not, I’d unblock her, tell her that she’s quite right, you’re taking her advice and refusing to listen to any more of her constant moaning. You’d love to see her on her next visit, but if she feels unable to keep her negativity to herself, then you’d prefer her to stay at home, as you have enough to deal with.

And if you have told her, then reply and tell her you’re blocking her until she starts taking her own advice.

See how her negativity is draining and her not asking about your children is annoying but honestly the bottom line is she is your sister . By all means express your concerns to her but again bottom line is she is your sister.

I think you should clearly explain the problem to her before taking that step!

I don’t think you are unreasonable, you have lost your mum, two siblings, you have one very ill child and two with additional needs, no wonder you don’t need someone bringing you down. Good on you for managing to stay so positive in the face of all this. I think PP has a point though, if you explain how you feel you can maybe turn the page somewhat but if she won’t listen/doesn’t change then you definitely are not unreasonable.

You aren’t unreasonable to not want her to be so negative, but I’m guessing the reason you posted on Mumsnet is that you feel blocking her was a step too far, and to see if there is a middle ground you haven’t thought of that means you can have a relationship with her and it not be so negative.

I’d have a frank conversation with her (after all - what do you have to lose? If she decides not to speak to you again, you were going to block her anyway!) and tell her she is being so negative. Due to the lack of family and people around her, I would say she hasn’t realised how negative she is, as she doesn’t have people to tell her or for her to realise not everyone feels like this. I’d say that, and then say, even if it’s true, let’s make our phone conversations a happy space to talk. And then I would bring up. Happy memory or a hobby she enjoys, or maybe a past victory/success (“remember the time you won the best teach award at work? I was thinking about that the other day. Remind me, what class did you teach that year?” Then let her repeat the memory to you, and get caught up in that positive emotion. After 20 mins, you can say you have to end the call, but it will be the start of a positive phone culture. You could also try linking your children to her successes eg “Cathy is turning out to be a real little swimmer, just like you were at that age! I told her to keep practicing and she might be as good as her Aunt Helen (your sister).” Then encourage conversation along positive memories of the swimming, and it gives her a nice memory and a ‘hook’ to ask about your children next time (“how is Cathy’s swimming going”)

I do this with a lot of relatives. It takes time. There are days I get really annoyed because I feel like I am a one-woman cheer squad for dysfunctional relatives. However, I think of my relatives, and parents and past grandparents etc who would want the family to stay close, and I know it’s a small part of my day, and it’s doing the right thing by them.

She sounds sad and lonely, possibly depressed. If she knew how to be more positive she'd have done so by now. She may feel that you're the 'golden' sister and that she can't match up to you. She will be aware that you're fed up with her. She could also be disappointed that she hasn't had a family (and she may find it painful to spend time with you and yours). Telling her to cheer up (and so be more like you) probably won't work. Feelings should be natural not forced. You could gently and without judgement suggest she sees a therapist.

I remembered another thing I do - I got the person involved in a mutual hobby or interest. So I could ask about their hobby (gardening, art class, piano lesson, history documentary) and/or tell them about my similar one.

She is so entrenched in the past. I think she probably does need therapy. She retired a couple of years ago and I think must be bored and lonely. She got involved with sister and brother's deaths a lot.
Was very close to my mum and I could never see my mum without her there,she always finished mums sentences for her and I could see mum got frustrated with this. She was odd when mum died,she took a photo of her in her coffin and cut a lock of her hair. ! I found that weird. She keeps mums things " because she touched them". It's almost like worship.
I just find her very strange.
We were never close.

Perhaps she is still grieving. She sounds lonely and depressed. From what you have said, she seems a bit immature the way she was with your mum and her being self obsessed. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate but blocking her with no notice is cold. Perhaps suggest a grief counselor - they will talk to her by phone.