Is it me or is it everyone else?!

[whatonearthishappening2021]

I’ve been asking myself this question for a few years now. I feel like a lot of my relationships with family and friends seem to go south. I’ll give you a few example of what I mean..

My SIL as much as she tries to be a nice person, she’s someone that will somehow leave you feeling like shit. If you look pretty- it’s only because you have makeup on. If you’re kids are doing well in school-it’s only because you and your kids don’t have a life and you focus too much on education. If you look great in red, she somehow owns the colour because that's 'her colour'. If you’re losing weight, it’s only because you don’t go out and don’t have friends. And apparently this woman can basically do everything you’re doing (your job, any hobbies you have) and she can do it better even though she's never tried. Believe me when I say it, she’s told me straight to my face. I’m baffled that she actually believes it. Her husband of course also eggs her on. He’s someone that would never give you a compliment and instead will say ‘oh that shirt would look very nice on my wife’ when normal people would say ‘you look great in that shirt’.

I would say they're toxic. I can't get rid of them so I can't cut them off. I endure them but I genuinely have never come across people like them. They would ask you questions somehow make you feel shit and honestly that feeling stays with me. I feel like a mug because I give them the benefit of the doubt but it seems I'm running out of it now.

My bestie (male) got married and decided to part ways with me as his wife ‘didn’t like it’. I tried to then have a relationship with her but it seems she’s only interested in knowing everything about my life to judge me than genuinely being a friend. - never invites us around for play dates or dinners when I have made every effort to.

My cousin loves showing off about where she eats, what car she has and how her life is so great. She and I were very close and now we barely look eye to eye.

My BIL who quite openly likes to brag about how he is earning so much. He won’t tell you the figure because he likes to keep you guessing but says things that will make you feel shit because he’s ‘on a big salary’. His wife acts dumb but in the background she’s very much aware of what she’s doing. I pulled her up on somethings a few years ago, and it was my fault for ever thinking like that because ‘l should have known she would never do such a thing’ - believe me she knew. She’s the kind of person to compare and do things behind your back whilst showing you she’s your friend. Oh and don’t get me started on making you feel guilty because she ‘prayed for you’ and somehow you end up feeling like you’re the one at fault.

My MIL. Oh dear she’s a different kettle of fish. This woman hates everyone. Unless you’re rich and educated, she doesn’t want to know you.

I met an area mum who was nice. A-bit snooty but I was happy to look past it. First time she came over to mine, she said ‘oh is upstairs yours, I thought you lived in a flat’.

My mother. She drives me up the wall. Because I don’t know how to parent my children and i don’t go over enough (I see them every week).

There’s more but it’s exhausting even rethinking all this. Am I a shit person or am I just surrounded by people that aren’t always very nice?!

I'm exhausted from reading that and wonder if you spend far too much time dwelling on the differences between you and them.
Pull back. Don't spend as much time with them. If they are rude to your face, leave the house or the room or at least the conversation.
As long as you are happy with you, they don't matter.

Stop giving a shit what other people think of you

You'll come across dickheads your entire life, and friendships will blossom and die over the course of your life too.

But in the meantime, stop caring so much about what other people think about you, how they act, or how they choose to live their lives.

I'm having a hard time getting into that mind frame. I went through some trauma and since then have become that person who overthinks everything and doesn't take things face value. Which is shit because you're constantly watching your back. I feel like I have only just realised people can be shit.

That’s a lot of people in your life you’re having trouble with. Some of these issues are bigger than others. Do you think you’ve become quite sensitive?

New friend - What’s wrong with thinking someone lives in a flat? My old flat was much bigger than a previous house I had.

BIL - why ask what he owes? Who cares?

SIL - some people think it’s nice to tell you they’ve prayed for you.

Ex bestie - why pursue her when he said she’s not keen?

Mum - why does she think you can’t parent your kids? If she’s annoying you then see less of her.

MIL - who gives a toss what she thinks, just roll your eyes

Are there any people you don’t find annoying?

What does your husband think of all these people?

@AnneLovesGilbert he sees my point. Does put things in perspective and basically says who cares. You have your life and your own family so they don't matter

@AnneLovesGilbert yes I have a handful of people who I don't and love. But I do find I'm starting to find faults in people nowadays. More than I ever have. It's exhausting and honestly hard to stop thinking so negatively.

I would say from discussions with friends ( who I can vouch for as lovely, well- balanced people) I wouldn’t think your experience is unusual.

Think just about everyone I know could name similar characters within their circle of friends and family.

I say this so you know you aren’t abnormal! And it sounds like these issues have very little to do with you. With the exception of the school mum acquaintance, you haven’t ‘chosen’ any of these people.

I’d just aim to spend more time with the nice people in your life to dilute the twats…and it’s always fun to gossip about the nutters with like minded pals!

There are two people who you have at least some choice about involvement with - your friend whose wife wasn't keen on him having a female best friend (along with most of MN, who wouldn't want that either, going by other threads) and one woman who had assumed you lived in a flat - but presumably still came to visit because she wanted to be friendly 'despite' her assumptions.

The others, well, they're family one way or the other, and you have no choice about them, as they're only in your life because of genetics/partners of relatives. Family dynamics and personalities mean that it's likely they're around precisely because their personalities match; then there's always somebody who doesn't fit in, in this case, perhaps it's you because you aren't as unkind/unpleasant/manipulative as they are.

You do have a choice about how much you are involved with them, though. And stepping back would cause you less stress - including your mother, as she's already giving you grief, so the only thing that would be different is not having to do quite so many visits of obligation.

Sometimes the people that will be best for us and make us the happiest aren't the ones we're related to in some way.

In any case, I think you can put this down to a) a less than healthy family dynamic and narrative, b) unfortunate that you don't get on with your friend's wife but one of those things and c) you being slightly too sensitive about a casual remark because of the family crap. So don't be too hard on yourself or too resentful of others that you don't give them a chance because you expect them to be the same as your family.

Is there anything that does make you feel happy? Focus upon that instead of putting yourself through all this crap. It makes things far easier to deal with if you have things that you can look forward to and enjoy, whatever they are.

You need to step back then, don’t initiate contact with people who irritate you, decline or severely limit it if they do.

And get a mantra or play dickhead bingo in your head. Count how long it takes BIL to bring up how rich he is, see how often MIL mentions how educated or not people are.

Mostly, as above, reduce time spent with annoying twats and hopefully you’ll then spend less time and energy thinking about them.

Next time you get a snooty vibe from a new acquaintance don’t overlook it if you’ll then be extra prickly, don’t have them over or invest in them.

Don't we all do this, get annoyed by others but annoy them a bit too. Overall our friends are the ones who annoy us the least and we annoy the least?

Family is family, disown the ones that do something awful, but otherwise it's just their quirks?

A smooth, perfect and unchallenging life could be a bit dull.

It sounds like you overthink these interactions and probably because you don’t speak up for yourself enough.

These all sound like examples of people being egotistical or insensitive, in the way people will be in life. All low level annoyances for sure but you seem to be focusing on the negatives about these people in a way which suggests this behaviour has a much greater impact than it should.

Everyone has ego, defensiveness, everyone has the capacity to show off or stealth brag sometimes. That’s just human nature.

It sounds as if you are a bit of a people pleaser and have difficulty establishing boundaries. The more you establish these boundaries the more in control you will feel and the less you are being imposed upon. If you suffer in silence these things will come to seem more important than they are.

If it’s bad enough that you can’t deal with it, cut these people out of your life. If it’s not, you have to try to see these as part of a complex picture. You need to own your boundaries a bit, get much better at knowing your own cut off points. I think you will probably learn to fixate less on this stuff if you do that.

There’s wayyyyyyy too much introspection going on here, and that isn’t a good thing.

Breathe, relax, let go. Everyone is annoying in their own way, even you I’m willing to bet.

I’m forever amazed at the impossibly high behavioural standards set on MN, which if not conformed to make a person ‘toxic’ or a ‘narcissist’. Most people are a mixture of good and bad, they have good points and bad points. Either take them as they are or cut them free.

If having no friends and staying in makes you lose weight I oughta be stick thin!
I get some of what you're saying but you've to learn to not give a flying F, or less of one, I'm trying unfortunately it takes time!

I feel like this a lot !
I do think it's to do with boundaries and not stopping them.
I avoid them at all cost. Meaning I've missed family occasions. Used work as an excuse.

You can't control them, you can only control how you react to them. It sounds like counselling migh be beneficial to reset how you think about these people.

You need to read 'The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k'.