Aibu today I really dislike my 3 year old

[wingingit987]

Today I've hit the peak and my 3 year old he's pushed me to tears. I've had to put him into his bedroom and come into mine to cry.

We have a 3 year old who turned 3 in sept and a 3 month old.

Over the last few weeks my 3 year olds behavior has really escalated the not listening has hit a whole new low he doesn't behave at all when we're at home or listen to what we say.

He seems to be better when it's just me but when dad comes home from work at 3 he turns into the devil shouts at me hits me, scratches me if I held his hands he'd try and bite me never hits dad.

He had an episode of hitting last week at nursery but hasn't happened since now he's abit handsy ( there words) and scratching. He's been potty trained for a few months now but he's had a accident every day this week and I'm sure it's on purpose.

Ive got a timer for the step or time out doesn't work, Ive got a reward chart which he isn't bothered about, ive got a happy or sad bear watching so if he's being naughty the sad bear is there and he had to me good for the happy bear which sort of works but not for long.

I'm wondering weather to call the health visitor as today I feel like bashing my head against the wall. I love him but I feel that my baby is just being left and so I can try to reason with a highly strung three year old.

Thank you if you managed to get to the end. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or reassurance I thought it was going to be easier out of terrible 2s but this is the terrible and I feel like the worse parent in the world.

You've done well if this is the first time your toddler has caused you to burst into tears 😁 honestly it's a shitty age. What I can say is my boy is 4 in a month and in the last 5 or so months he's turned so much better, really happy most if the time, sleeps well, very loving and cuddly and hardly any tantrums. Much more reasonable. Toddlers are arseholes as far as I'm concerned

He's got a new sibling, him acting out is normal.

I recommend a book called, 'How to talk so little kids will listen'- there's an audiobook. Really helped me with my first when her behaviour went off the rails following the birth of my youngest.

☹️ sounds rough!

In my experience 3 was harder than 2. (DS is 5 and a half now and i think it is gradually getting better but he still has plenty of off days).

Ever heard the term 'threenager'? Apparently they are experiencing brain development similar to what happens in teenagers at this age. The behaviors are similar too!

Sounds like possibly he is feeling pushed out by the baby? Are you able to make one on one time for him still?

I often found when DS was really acting up it helped to try and be really nice to him. Not reward the behavior obviously but be sympathetic about his feelings and make it clear you love him. Otherwise it is possible to get into a vicious cycle where you don't like him because of the behavior and he's behaving that way because he feels unliked.

Your allowed to dislike your child at times. It fine as long as you don’t let them know that. I suspect all this behaviour is due to his whole life turning upside down with a new sibling.

I would try being really clear with behaviour expectations in every situation so we are going to walk down stairs now, I need you to hold on the banister or bump on your bottom. We are going to have breakfast, I need you to sit in chair, eat carefully and use an indoor voice. Also trying sitting in if he has been naughty you have hit your baby brother so with your toys so now you can’t play with your toys and you have to sit next to me for 5 minutes. It’s fine to talk and play with him during this time. The punishment is not playing with the toys not you pushing him away but doing time out.

We have a 3 year old who turned 3 in Sept and a 2 month old so very similar. We found our 3 year old starting acting put when DH went back to work and it was just me to deal with both of them. Purposely pooing in his pants, screamin, refusing dinner, broke a couple of things. I wanted to cry and I wondered what I would do but I realised he was doing all these things to get my attention.

So when it's just us, I make sure I put baby down and play games with him, sit with him at dinner, praise him for helping me with his baby sister. At the weekends we do an activity he will enjoy. Since then he has been an angel. Your DS is probably doing the same and feels pushed out.

My lovely son turned into the devil overnight at 3.

He's 5 now and is mostly lovely but still has his moments.

I wouldnt do time outs or reward charts Id change all that. Time out is pointless, you push him away for this. Id go for time in. So if he does something awful, hold him close and talk him through it, its an emotional overload and he needs support in working it through. Id have a clear and definite routine with pictures shown for the things you need him to know will be happening next - so its easy for him to know whats expected, as transitions are hard. Id also agree with upthread about the book 'how to talk to kids', its basically on positive reinforcement, praising everything good he does do - every little thing - completely change the way you are dealing with behaviour. Praise the good things, be consistent on hitting etc, dont sweat the small stuff (pick your battles etc he can learn sitting at the table later on etc), give up time out its not working, do time in, sit with him and work through emotions. An emotion chart from amazon is better than a reward chart so you can tune in to how hes feeling. support him not shame him. Guide him through this difficult time and make sure you get lots of self care and rest where you can because it is tough!

It improves a bit at 3 and a half and is much better by 4. Please please hang in there and know it will be OK. You're in a tough situation with a 3 month old baby too. Does your partner help out when home? Can he get a week's leave to help out for a bit?

Poor you OP
No advice really but we have all been there. I found the supposed terrible twos a breeze but when my DS turned 3 it’s been the worst I’ve experienced so far in parenting and I’ve only got the one!
He is pushing the boundaries and testing you. It’s not much consolation but I read somewhere that they push boundaries with the ones they feel the most secure around… think of it as a reward for being a good mum! Stupid as it sounds!

I also agree with ppz tine outs are awful and give attention for unwanted behaviours. Praise, hugs, all ott for good behaviours, really lay it on thick! And never forget your toddler may seem big next to your baby, but is actually still a baby themselves and finds it hard to control their feelings/ suffers when tired or hungry etc

I agree with @scully29 and @Notashandyta. He is acting out because he feels pushed out by his new sibling. Positive reinforcement. I also recommend The Second Baby Book.

Agree that he is just pushing you and testing the boundaries since your youngest came along. Give him time and attention (as much as you can with two). You aren't doing anything wrong x

My DS was 3 in August so I can relate a bit.

You mentioned that the worst of it happened when his dad gets home. How does his dad react to the hitting etc? I found that I was doing the majority of the ‘telling off’ when DS had a tantrum or was hitting, so I made sure DH did all of it on one day and it helped a lot. Not only for my sanity but it also caused DS to pay a bit more attention. Now when we’re both home we try to do it evenly.

He went through a biting stage a while back (always fun!). We explained that it hurts and he mustn’t hurt people. If he does he has to say sorry and give a hug. It took about 4 incidents (luckily just us and DM) of us just repeating this for him to stop. He still sometimes hits if he gets frustrated but it’s few and far between. For DS explaining things works better than anything else.

Doubly hard for you with a 3 month old so I’m not surprised you’re feeling at the end of your tether. Could a bit of his behaviour be stemming from the new baby?

I would say, use all of your support network. Whether that’s getting your OH to watch them both while you have a bath or quite time upstairs, a family member babysitting for an hour or two. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

My health visitor was lovely and she used to say that I was up and dressed so she was impressed. Some days we have to set that bar a bit lower than others. Doesn’t make you a bad parent, the fact that your worried and reaching out means the exact opposite

Adding my experience of having an awful time when my son was 2/3/4. He got good at 5 and is an exceptional child now at 9! But, my goodness, he was spirited and physical and forceful and reactionary! Pushed all my buttons and I burst into tears a LOT.

Research is your friend. I used to write little notes for myself inside cupboards, "BREATHE!" And, "he needs you to stay calm" etc. The best piece of advice I read was that children need love the most when they deserve it the least. It will get better, hang on in there and believe that nobody else can parent your child like you, because nobody knows them quite like you. (Which is also the painful irony of why nobody will feel quite so upset by them as you..!)

Oh god I remember my DD being a nightmare for a while. I'd just leave her to cry out her tantrum in whatever room she was lying on the floor. After a few weeks I would hold her tightly and kiss her face and neck till she calmed down even whilst she was flailing around. She did actually stop soon after. I just figured as neither of us knew how to deal with it I'd just hold her.

OP I have twins who are 3y7m and yep, yep, yep!

My eldest was also 3 when they were born. For me -

Clear expectations of behaviour and routine. We did DD1 a little chart with photos for getting up routine, for example.

I do like time outs, unlike some here. I use them as a time to get on eye level with them and say in age appropriate ways why they're there. Then we hug and say sorry.

I also do star charts but for specific things. For example, when the DTs were acting up massively at bedtime recently we did a chart where they had to do 28 bedtimes without getting out of bed. I thought it might be too much but they really got into it. They got some new bedding and big boy/girl pillows as a reward when they had done all 28.

We also made sure we took DD1 out for big girl things on her own at that age, like her first theatre trip etc or to a cafe. We sometimes got GPs to watch twins whilst we had 2:1 time with her so she got lots of attention.

It will get better, stay strong!

If it helped, I used behaviour charts and tried to pick up on every. little. thing. that he did right. I found superhero pictures online and laminated them (have to admit, I'm a primary teacher and a big nerd) and when he filled the chart, he got a little matchbox-style car. It worked! Or, at least, it helped me feel as if I was keeping sane.

One of the things I regret fiercely is delivering Time Outs. I wish I could take those back as I can see in retrospect how desperately he wanted my love and affection and how painful that separation must have been for him. He used to get even more frantic and furious. But that's parenting, that's life - making mistakes and saying sorry, trying to learn from them and not beating yourself up for what doesn't work. They learn from that, too - he's told me now that I'm a really good mum because if I do make mistakes I say sorry and learn from it 😂

Agree with putting notes inside cupboards to remind you on your positive responses when he pushes you - things like - 'you are so kind' for when he does something nice, and 'oo lets try again shall we' when he makes a mistake' are helpful to remind you when you are so so tired that he is still learning how to deal with a new sibling and with life and emotions in general.
I would change your interaction with him to absolutely love bombing him and spending any time you can to cuddles - sit on the sofa and watch cebebbies with him all you can.

Johnny Mcgrath your time outs sound more positive than traditional time out ideas, more like a time in where parent is there emotionally with them rathe than being sent away.

Thank you for all your replies I'm still reading through them. I think I'm going to wrong way with punishment but I think that's because today he stressed us out to the point we were losing it. Not my finest moment as a parent.

What would I do when he's hitting me sometimes he'll just start hitting me because I've spoke to him what should I do in this situation honestly it feels horrible like he hates me.

This sounds like desperate attention seeking behaviour. My almost 4 year old goiddaughter was like this when younger sibling was born - toilet issues when baby was having a nappy changed, food issues was baby was feeding, clothes issues when baby was being dressed etc. Once the parents realised what was happening ( in fact were told by the HV to work out what was happening and when) things became easier. So lots of praise was given for how she was a big girl who could eat nicely, use the toilet etc and she responded well to it.

@wingingit987

Thank you for all your replies I'm still reading through them. I think I'm going to wrong way with punishment but I think that's because today he stressed us out to the point we were losing it. Not my finest moment as a parent.

What would I do when he's hitting me sometimes he'll just start hitting me because I've spoke to him what should I do in this situation honestly it feels horrible like he hates me.

Is he in the midst of a tantrum while hitting or is he fairly calm?

he doesnt hate you I promise he loves you and hes just trying to get your attention however he can. its incredibly tough, be gentle on yourself and be sure for self care, even if just some peace and a bath, you need with with little ones. Its not going to be an instant change but a reframing of how things are, see if you can get that book from amazon as it does help to feel like you are working towards improvements. praise everything he does that you like and he will soon start to earn our attention through things you want, its just so hard when you have a tiny one to look after too I know! Praise everything - oo what a lovely smile! Oh look at you all cute this morning!ooo here we have mummys favourite chocolate biscuits would you like one, ooo you like the same as me! anything positive is good. with hitting its a definite definite no, hold him in and say not ok it hurts, we dont hurt etc. itl take time. but will be ok.
Another thing to remember with kids is that when they are in emotional overload there is no teaching them, their brain needs to calm down first. So if having a tantrum etc hold him as close as he will allow. help him learn to calm down, tell him to take his breaths etc. then later when hes calm talk it through - say how well he did to help himself calm down, how he can make a good choice now etc when calm. name the emotions so he can learn the emotions and then learn to deal with them. Its very tough being 3 and very tough being a mum of a 3 year old. i find it very helpful to write things down in a mummy plan so I can work from it when things are hard!

ThirdElephant

Sometimes during a tantrum

But the other day I was sat next to him eating my tea at the table I think his dad asked him to do something and he started hitting me. I asked him to used kind hand and he continued. I've usually asked him to do something or someone has said something he doesn't like first so it's not a tantrum there's no screaming but usally is a reaction to something. If that makes sense.

@wingingit987

ThirdElephant

Sometimes during a tantrum

But the other day I was sat next to him eating my tea at the table I think his dad asked him to do something and he started hitting me. I asked him to used kind hand and he continued. I've usually asked him to do something or someone has said something he doesn't like first so it's not a tantrum there's no screaming but usally is a reaction to something. If that makes sense.

Start with stating how you feel, perhaps? 'I don't like being hit. It hurts.'

If he carries on, 'I am not going to sit here and be hit. I am going to go somewhere else. Come and find me when you're ready to use gentle hands,' and get up and go away.

To be honest though, I'd probably pre-empt and have a chat with him when he's next calm and happy. Open with something like, 'It's hard to have a new baby in the house. They take lots of my attention, and sometimes I bet it feels like I don't have any time for you anymore.' See what he says. Kids need to feel like they're understood.

That book I mentioned upthread has lots of strategies that can be used. Also, toilet regressions are totally normal in small kids in response to big life changes- please don't interpret it as deliberate naughtiness.