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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My BIL makes me feel awkward.

18 replies

morecheeseplz · 08/10/2021 18:00

Ever since I came into the family he's just been really weird never really bothered to get to know me or anything.

OH told him we was having another baby and that we had finally booked the wedding, he didn't say congrats to me or anything just came into the house and walked past me.

He barely greets me never says bye? Our wedding is in December and I just feel so awkward having him there.

I just can't even explain the way he makes me feel it's odd.

OH's family just brush it off and say oh that's just ..... that's what he's like.

How can I get over the feeling of being uncomfortable around him? I don't know how im going to feel on my wedding day, It's just so bloody awkward.

OP posts:
GermioneHranger · 08/10/2021 18:11

"I don't know how im going to feel on my wedding day, It's just so bloody awkward"

I can say on your wedding day you will probably be too busy enjoying yourself to even notice him! Smile He might not like you, to be honest as long as he isn't being actively horrid to you I think it's a non issue. He's your partners brother, and assuming his family know him well then it may very well just be what he's like! I'd just try to not give it any space in your mind.

Holly60 · 08/10/2021 18:21

Yeah I think just don’t give him any head space. Just accept that it really is just what he is like and get on with your own business.

SoniaFouler · 08/10/2021 18:25

But by your own admission he’s not making you feel anything because he’s not doing anything to you except not paying you attention. He may not like you. Not everyone has to like everyone else. I wouldn’t want to invite someone that I thought didn’t like me to my wedding but what it being your brother-in-law and the ructions it would cause on your partners side of the family, it’s just something you’ll have to put up with.

Original poster
morecheeseplz · 08/10/2021 18:29

Their has been a few situations that has made me think maybe he just doesn't like me. BLM last year he had a lot to say about it, was upsetting for me to read as I am black.

Also me and OH had an argument few days after I had DD this was years ago now I was breastfeeding and I didn't want him to just take DD to his mums. OH told his brother that I wouldn't let him take her and he said "what an effing joke after everything you've done for her" I don't know what he meant by that.

I think the fact that we're having a small wedding as well is making it worse in my head as I am forced to be around him.

OP posts:
CommanderBurnham · 08/10/2021 18:31

He sounds like a nasty man. My BIL can be like this. He's just an asshole. In his case it's plain misogyny and arrogance. Yours sounds a little bit more personal. He can just fuck off.

LitCrit · 08/10/2021 18:32

I think he's a racist tosspot who doesn't deserve your concern. Zone him out, stop trying to please him or accommodate him in any way. You're worth a hundred of him.

Porcupineintherough · 08/10/2021 18:34

My BiL was a bit like this and used to make me feel really wrong footed when I first knew him as he just didnt react the way I expected and I felt he didnt like me very much- he was diagnosed w autism at the age of 45. Over time Ive got to know him and got used to him and now I really like him. He just doesnt do normal social small talk (but can monologue for England if you get him on the right topic) but if you ask him for help he'll give it to you and if he says he'll do something then he's 100% reliable. And he's kind. But yes, it was hard when I took it personally when he'd blank me or move to another room whilst his wife welcomed me in.

Porcupineintherough · 08/10/2021 18:35

Sorry it took so long for me to type that it cross posted with your last. Maybe it is racism in his case. Sad

Dillydollydingdong · 08/10/2021 18:37

Is he like that with everybody? If so, then it's his problem, not yours. Maybe he's got some sort of personality disorder. If it's only you he's unpleasant to, then he obviously just doesn't like you. No need for him to be rude though. Can't someone have a word with him? Maybe your OH, or their dm?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 08/10/2021 18:37

Blank him back

Original poster
morecheeseplz · 08/10/2021 18:41

But then I think in my head surely he can't be racist none of OH's family are he grew up in a diverse area same as OH but then he hated everything about BLM. Someone challenged him on his Facebook about his status and he said I have no problems with black people my brothers girlfriend is black. However he has never muttered a sentence to me 🤣

It's seems to be only me but then I am only around him with the rest of his family.

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 08/10/2021 18:45

If it's your and your DP's home he's walking in and out of without even acknowledging you, that's extremely rude! I'd be inclined to step out into his path on arrival and greet him by name so he has to respond. And when he's leaving, say something like, "Don't leave without saying goodbye, please, Name."

If he isn't abashed and polite at that, have a word with your DP who can tell him to shape up if he wants to visit. He can't be welcomed in the home of someone he pretends doesn't exist!

NewlyGranny · 08/10/2021 18:47

And he has the cheek to use you as camouflage for his racist views! That comment you just made to us really belongs on his FB post... But perhaps better not. Your OH could, though!

TopCatsTopHat · 08/10/2021 18:49

Don't know his motives or whether he is like this to many or just you. But I do know that if I had a relative who didn't give basic polite civil niceties to my dh that person would not be welcomed in my house. I might maintain basic minimum relative for the sake of family harmony but if stand shoulder to shoulder with dh and anyone blanking him would find themselves blanked by me on my territory.

Snoken · 08/10/2021 19:04

I am getting Love Actually vibes.

whynotwhatknot · 08/10/2021 22:58

sounds racist and rude-tbh though your partner shold be saying something to him not acting like its just him when hes not like that with others

ChargingBuck · 08/10/2021 23:07

Someone challenged him on his Facebook about his status and he said I have no problems with black people my brothers girlfriend is black. However he has never muttered a sentence to me

So ...racist AF then.
Like anyone who trots out the "but I passed a black person in a supermarket once, so I'm not racist ..."

As he doesn't even bother speaking to you, claiming that knowing you = him being Not Racist is just using you as a beard. Charming.

Either blank him totally or ... if you feel up to it - call him out in the moment. So next he shoves past you without acknowledgement into your own home, challenge him! !
"Oi - you don't barge into my house without giving me the time of day" -
It depends what you think you can be arsed with. It's not your job to educate him or teach him manners.

Where is DH in all this? - does he notice? Speak out?

FangsForTheMemory · 08/10/2021 23:16

Promise yourself that on your wedding day, you’ll give all your attention to the people who matter. He’s not one of them.

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