To want to start my life again at age 50? Leave DP, start new career, move 200 miles…

[CherryBlossomWinter]

My life has not turned out how I hoped. I have two wonderful sons, both with SN the youngest severe. Although they are fantastic sons I’ve spent the last 10 years totally dedicated to them, the youngest especially. He needs intensive support, and I put my previous career in the NHS on the back burner. But now I’m out so long it’s nearly impossible for me to get back in.

I also met the love of my life 12 years ago, I moved 200 miles to live in his country rural area, surrounded by his family. He was, I thought, an amazing guy. Kind, interesting, really good job that I admired, funny. We were to get married but it kept getting delayed. I was so happy really and even though I gave up a lot in terms of my friends, family and job I was sure we could make it work.

Fast forward on and now I find myself at age 50 with two kids, unmarried, stuck at home without a car, in a rural area, surrounded mainly by DPs family who completely ignore me. I find them overbearing. They try to override my parenting.

DP slowly started to devalue me. I wasn’t allowed to change anything in the house, which now is clearly his home. We were going to pay the mortgage together but he then changed his mind, and I ended up paying rent instead. He didn’t want me to meet his friends or colleagues, and would go out without me. Quite lonely.

As I was dealing with a very needy young child at the time I was too tired mostly so just survived for a few years.Then I found out he’d also been cheating on and off for the whole time.

So here goes - I’m now about to start again! I’m really nervous, I feel worn down and unattractive, unemployable. I’ll have the kids almost full-time (Ex will have them once a month). Any tips or confidence building appreciated!

Anyone actually successfully started again?

Oh good for you! I left ex-DH at 45 and moved away for a new job. My DS was already a young adult and living with his now wife, so it was a bit different, but I think you’ll go through the delightful “this is all mine!” stage in your new home. That in itself will give you a huge boost.

I think getting back in to your career shouldn’t be impossible. What field are you in?

Any tips or confidence building appreciated!
Be proud of yourself. Many at your age stay with a partner they despise and who has no respect for them because they don't have the guts to start again.

You do. Good luck!

It will be fine, if he won't have the kids much then you can move areas to where there are better opportunities for you. You can probably do a return to work course in your previous career if you are qualified in anything essential for the running of the nhs at the moment. Research what benefits you would be entitled to and also take advice from a solicitor about the house situation, if you have been paying him money to live there as an adult occupier then you may have a claim for an equitable interest in the property even though it isn't in your name and you're not married. Best of luck, life is out there go and get it.

No words of wisdom I am afraid but this made my day reading this. Wish you all the luck - go grab life by the balls and be happy :) x

Go for it. At least you won't be saddled with a man that sounds absolutely horrendous. Don't waste another 12 years on him. Set yourself free. It may not be easy initially but in the long run you will be free to live life your way and a lot happier. Good luck xx

Yes definitely go for it! I have a couple of friends that left unhappy longterm marriages in their 50s. Honestly to see them now, they sort of look different...i guess relieved with added shine! They have both said best decision they had ever made! Whilst things weren't easy starting again and there were ups and downs...eventually it all panned out right! One is happily single, the other has a lovely partner 😊

No words of wisdom but you sound amazing and brave, good luck x

Blimey , good for you , I wish I was as brave

Yup. Divorced at 49. Both XDH and I are happily remarried (to other people) and my marriage is so much healthier as well as genuinely happy. It is so much easier to make a good choice second time round.

Enjoy!

Thanks so much your words of encouragement are making me feel better already. I’ve already engaged a solicitor.

We have agreed informally that I will move back to nearer jobs/family, even though it’s miles away. Of course really I’d love more shared parenting, it’s tough with smaller son, but I’ve always done 95% and that’s just not going to change. ExDP was going to try and get 50/50 custody, mainly I think because he didn’t want to admit to abandoning his disabled son. But in reality he works and socialises so much and would not cut back on this, but had a plan instead to get his sister to look after our son. She hates me, doesn’t ‘get’ our son or safeguard him (puts him with a nephew who just bullies him). Staying here, cut off from work, from family, with a bullying SIL as a co parent was just about my worst nightmare. And my son would regress.

So it would be truly on my own. But at least it would be without conflict.

I do have some skills and am taking some exams in another related medical field. And also looking into research - I might be the oldest person going for these jobs! However some of these are more flexible so I could look after the kids too.

You'll be amazing Op - go for it! Good luck and stay strong!

How old are the DC? Are they in school? Are they OK in childcare while you work or would your family be able to do that for you?
If so, fantastic. 100% go for it.

You may want to look at beneficial interest if you feel you have contributed to your detriment to ex's property england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_cohabiting_sole_homeowners/occupation_rights_if_one_partner_is_the_sole_owner

Please do it. The first half of life is for learning. The second for truly living x

I wouldnt walk away from the family home/family assets until you have spoken to a solicitor. He can't just wash his hands of 2 disabled kids.

@Yummypumpkin

Please do it. The first half of life is for learning. The second for truly living x

I've never heard this before. I love it!

Please OP go do it. You sound fantastic. Best of luck to you x

Just do it. You will probably find new area has greater opportunities for both your kids as they grow up too.

Yes, a very close friend. Married five times and finally happier than ever at 50 something. It is possible at your age. I wish you all the best.

You won't be on your own for long. New area will allow you to build friendships on your own terms, join groups, pursue interests and above all be happy. He and his family's don't deserve you one minute longer.

My youngest is 7 years old. Oldest late teens. I’ve very little claim on the house unfortunately, according to my solicitor. ExDP is fighting/minimising maintenance. Refusing to agree for even 50% share of youngest therapies as that would be ‘an open chequebook’.

Youngest can’t really go to childminders/family - or he could be honestly it’s such specialist care he needs I’d end up spending a fortune. However I really feel that I can do this - I had a lot of skills and I’m a really hard worker. There will be more opportunities when I move, so I will juggle it and work around him. I also have a lot of wonderful friends who will give me moral support.

My kids and me have a great relationship, and I know that youngest is thriving, even Ex would concede that I”m a good mum, so they will be OK, as long as I keep costs down we can live in a small place at first. Love might have to wait a bit! If I ever get that again. However just being out of an atmosphere where I feel like I’m disliked and the kids don’t have security, will be a million times better I think. I just hope I don’t get ill or anything as I need to be 100% for them!

@Yummypumpkin

Please do it. The first half of life is for learning. The second for truly living x

I love this.

Go for it, OP. I'm in a similar situation myself and wish you all the luck

Gosh your STBX is a cunt. You're well rid.