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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling to just let this go?

26 replies

MissingTheMountain · 08/10/2021 13:02

I'm due in a couple of weeks with my first baby.

DH's parents were desperate for grandchildren, but reacted pretty horribly when they found out, and then they became completely overbearing. They have quizzed us on everything, they don't leave you alone until you answer, and then argue with our decisions if they aren't what they want.

The second trimester was particularly bad, and after a week of them constantly phoning and arguing with us over stuff, and turning up unannounced; I told DH I couldn't do it anymore. He talked to them, and they have tried to back off. They appear to have accepted that we're doing this our way, and they've stopped with the constant texts/unexpected visits/questioning our decisions/etc. We're seeing them every fortnight or so, and generally, they ask how the baby is and then ignore it as a topic; so it's been okay.

Last night, MIL messaged DH that she thinks my due date is wrong. I have no idea how, but she's now convinced the baby is due before it is. DH didn't mention it to me, but she called this morning and left a voicemail asking if we needed them to buy anything, and reiterating that she thinks my due date is wrong.

I got a bit upset about it feeling like it's starting again this morning... DH has apologised, and he does feel bad, but he did also say that they're trying and he'll talk to them again if he needs to.

He has, so far, understood that they make me feel very uncomfortable now; and that I can't imagine feeding in front of them, and that MIL's plan of having a spare key and turning up whenever she's free can't happen...

But I'm wondering if it's unreasonable to still be feeling quite resentful that my overwhelming memories of the pregnancy so far are them kicking off about things. I feel really sad that DH was so excited to share this with them, and they've let him down at every turn. And I feel disappointed that what should have been a nice time has mostly been spent worrying about them; and even now, rather than preparing for birth, I'm worried about how insane they're going to go when baby is here.

Is this somewhat normal? Do we just have to go with it for now; and hope it fades in time, or should I be trying to talk to someone about how I feel?

(For the record, this isn't an in-law thing. I have no parents; I am not preferring my own, and before they went crazy, I was excited for my baby to have grandparents who loved them.)

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 08/10/2021 13:05

dont give your MIL a spare key, she will just turn up
you need your DH to have your back as things will get worse once baby is here

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2021 13:05

Have they always been overbearing?

I assume DH is an only child?

ajja2021 · 08/10/2021 13:07

They sound intense Sad

DeadGood · 08/10/2021 13:08

Utterly insane. I’m so sorry!

skatewanker · 08/10/2021 13:10

Do NOT give MIL a spare key. No no no.

HollowTalk · 08/10/2021 13:11

You poor thing. How far away do they live?

Funnyfive · 08/10/2021 13:16

Your reaction is totally normal in my experience, I personally would have put the barriers up to this insane behaviour and whilst I would still have contact like you are, i would have distanced myself from them and not been overly friendly, only civil. It would take me a long time to forgive and forget - not sure you need help with this but I’d just be aware in case of pnd after the birth. All visiting would be on my terms or your dh takes the baby to visit without you, if you are comfortable with that.

Original poster
MissingTheMountain · 08/10/2021 13:18

Yep, DH is an only child.

To be fair, I can't fault how he's handled it, and he's very willing to go and talk to them again today, before anything really happens again, to tell them that we're serious and they need to back off. He's been wonderful.

They live an hour away at the moment. MIL keeps mentioning moving closer, but they've had the same chats for years and never have.

They won't get a spare key. And DH is under no illusions that he needs to be careful with his keys and that if they start just turning up here, I'll move out. I just can't cope with it; I'm not strong enough.

I don't know if it's hormones or if I'm now an awful person; but it's eating me up today how much their behaviour has impacted on the pregnancy.

OP posts:
Snowdropsandbluebells · 08/10/2021 13:19

Dh needs to step up even more now. A feeble 'they are trying' isn't good enough sorry. He needs to completely make it clear this isn't on.

Snowdropsandbluebells · 08/10/2021 13:19

OK cross post. He is going to talk to them today.

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2021 13:32

But is this new behaviour or have they always been a bit intense and demanding of your DH’s time/attention?

DressBitch · 08/10/2021 13:35

What sort of things did they argue about?

Holly60 · 08/10/2021 13:37

So I think you are being totally reasonable and they have gone a bit crazy. However, they will hopefully calm down a bit with time and be the loving GPs you want. They also sound like they will be very involved which whilst utterly irritating now, will be so helpful in years to come. Just see the posts on here from people disappointed the GPs are not more invlolved.

I totally get how upset you must be but try to be as understanding as you can snd let your DH deal with them for now. I think it will all calm down with time.

starskey80 · 08/10/2021 13:49

Awe OP, I'm so sorry they have tainted the pregnancy for you and your dh, but it sounds like he has your back 100%.

I hope that once baby is here they will calm down and be normal grandparents.

And yes, it's totally understandable that this is now eating you up. It would for me.
But try to be selfish, focus on taking it easy till baby arrives.

Fdksyihfd · 08/10/2021 13:54

It sounds awful and very much not normal! My mil can be a bit “much” (overbearing) but does acknowledge when she’s overstepped and will pull back at that point.

Tlollj · 08/10/2021 13:58

How the hell does she know anything about your due date. Surely you just accept what you’re told.
People are fucking weird and you’ve got a live one.
Honestly I’d just tell them to fuck off.

Maray1967 · 08/10/2021 14:08

This is absolutely nuts. How on earth does your MIL think she knows better than you what the date of your last period was and any due date adjustments at your scans?
This is quite ridiculous- and also alarming. If she thinks she knows better than you about this issue she will be a nightmare when it comes to bringing up baby, which she could be said to know about, having done it herself.
I hope your DH deals with this firmly. She must not be allowed to think for one minute that she can overrule you at any time about your baby. If he doesn’t, you will need to leave him in no doubt about the consequences.
The only other explanation is that she is a chronic worrier- and she has fixated on this, and is genuinely worried ( but for no good reason). Either way, DH needs to knock it on the head .

Ionlydomassiveones · 08/10/2021 14:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Crunchymum · 08/10/2021 14:11

The EDD thing is just bizarre. How and why would she think your due date is wrong? She'd have to know information about your LMP and your cycle length?

AlternativePerspective · 08/10/2021 14:16

TBH I would just ignore, ignore ignore, and most definitely don’t give her a key.

When my mum was pregnant with me, her MIL was adamant that she was expecting a boy. She wouldn’t hear it any other way. To the extent that when I was born, she rang the hospital and said “my young daughter in law came in and I’ve been told she had a girl, but I think there’s been a mistake.” 😂.It pretty much went down in memory. Grin

Noodella18 · 08/10/2021 14:20

Echoing pp, set your bou diaries and stick to them. Get husband to handle the negotiations and make it clear to him that he has to support you.
My MIL wasn't as insane as yours but was definitely hysterically excited. I tried to grit my teeth and deal with her repeatedly taking my baby to another room for 45 minutes whilst having dinner, or jumping in to take her back from the health visitor etc. She ended up falling asleep on the sofa with my newborn while I was upstairs recovering from post partum haemorrhage. Needless to say, after that I took my baby back as soon as I wanted and did not leave her alone with her until she could walk.
Something else I found quite useful was when my mum was being a bit pushy about advice, saying we should lie the baby on her front. I calmly said "mum, we have to make these decisions ourselves and we'refollowing medical advice. The thing is, if you made the decision, and she died, that would be a bit awkward, wouldn't it?" She stayed in her box after that.

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2021 14:21

Oh god,that's awful. Sorry op.

Keep your distance,let your partner to all the talking with them.

And when you have the baby,keep them away for a week or two/as long as you need and get to grips with feeding and being comfortable and then let them visit.

Don't let them arrive right after. They need to learn boundaries and waiting til you say it's ok.

I suspect she thinks you'll do this and might be paranoid you've given the wrong date to throw her off.
Crazy lady.

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2021 14:23

Overbearing mother of one son ugh. She'll be all types of jealous and wanting to take control. Hence why she reacted badly at first.

You and your partner really need to stand United on this and keep firm boundaries. Saying 'No' clearly when needed. Mostly from your husband.

Mammma91 · 08/10/2021 14:24

How can your MIL even think the due date is wrong? It is utterly bizzare that she could even assume so. Its not like she monitors when you have sex! Definitely 100% do not give a spare key.

Triffid1 · 08/10/2021 14:27

The EDD thing would actually make me laugh - it's completely crazy. What is she basing this on? Tea leaves and candle light!? Does it help to laugh at how crazy she is?

I'd be interested in hearing what she's been arguing with you about? It seems hard to believe that there's that much to argue about - you're pregnant. I mean, unless she thinks you should be having a pint of Guinness every night or something and is annoyed you aren't?

I think the fact that your DH is on your side is really the important thing to keep in mind here. I had a similar experience with my DH very firmly telling MIL to back off v early on and it set the tone, positively, for things going on from that.