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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd being left out and is upset

30 replies

ShepherdMoons · 08/10/2021 12:48

my dd is in a very small class at school, there are 10 children. 5 girls and 5 boys. There were 9 up to last May when a new girl started and up to that point dd was best friends with another girl in the class.

Over the past few months my dd has played with her best friend and the new girl as a group of three which seemed to be working. In the summer I had the girls over (both girls) to play as I didn't feel it would be fair to leave someone out and they do play as a three.

Over the past few weeks dd has been upset because her best friend and the new girl now have started to leave her out at play times and ignore her. This last week it has really affected her confidence and every night has cried about it and has been quite withdrawn. Every days she says I hope x and y don't leave me out today.

It's really hard for me because there aren't other friends to play with in her class. She has played with the boys in the past but she wants to play with the girls. She doesn't really gel with the other girls in the class (there are only a few to choose from!!).

Yesterday I did the school pick up and dd's best friend's mum and the new girl's mum were stood with me talking openly about the playdate that they had arranged for them. I am really upset for dd because they have not invited dd. I walked away in the end because I didn't want to get cross about it.

AIBU to feel so annoyed and upset?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 08/10/2021 12:50

That sounds very difficult, OP, and is one of the downsides of very small classes, unfortunately. Can you ask the class teacher to help in any way?

Babymamamama · 08/10/2021 12:51

That’s super hard but I would work on supporting your DD to find more in common or “gel” with others in the class. You can’t rely on just one other child that’s too much pressure on them.

rivertoskateaway · 08/10/2021 12:53

I’m in the same position, although there are others that my son could play with. He still adamantly wants to play with his two friends though and it breaks my heart that they’ve stopped including him xx

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2021 12:56

How old is DD?

Original poster
ShepherdMoons · 08/10/2021 12:59

My dd is 8 now x sorry I forgot to mention that

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 08/10/2021 13:01

Definitely talk to the teacher - they can keep an eye on things. It really helped my dd when she was having friendship issues and her teacher paired her up with some different dc in the class (including some boys).

Go back to 1:1 playdates. It is easier to build friendships that way. Have something fun to do on the playdate (e.g. cake decorating) as a shared activity can ease friendships along.

I personally discourage too much "best friend" talk as it can be a framework for excluding people. Encourage your dc to have multiple friends, and to recognise their friends can play with others.

Snowdropsandbluebells · 08/10/2021 13:02

This is very very difficult. My sons best friend chnged schools and he finds it so difficult to make friends.
All we can do is encourage what we can outside of school eg my son made a friend through a local club

TinaYouFatLard · 08/10/2021 13:04

I’m sorry to say it but these kinds of issues will be repeated time and again for the next few years. Your best approach is to not make a big deal, arrange play dates 1:1 for your daughter and try not to stress too much - she’ll pick up on your worry. Next week/month your DD will probably be back in favour and another girl will be feeling left out.

Original poster
ShepherdMoons · 08/10/2021 13:10

I work shifts so sometimes it's very difficult for me to arrange playdates.I'm also a single parent so my parents help a lot with childcare. Although they don't mind doing the odd playdate they are getting a bit old to copy with lots x

OP posts:
Original poster
ShepherdMoons · 08/10/2021 13:10

*cope

OP posts:
Snowdropsandbluebells · 08/10/2021 13:11

Are there any clubs eg. Sat morning things in your area

Original poster
ShepherdMoons · 08/10/2021 13:12

dd goes swimming once a week on Sat, she's also started music lessons recently. I'm hoping it helps her confidence and might introduce her to some new friends

OP posts:
mumonthehill · 08/10/2021 13:19

We had this with ds and it is so hard when the class size is so small as there are so few options to make other friends. All I can say is do speak to the school and see if that helps. It may be that with some school support they can all become friends again. Also ride it out a bit and step back, I found it very upsetting but friendships do go up and down and it may resolve itself. When ds went to secondary school he really found a good friendship group and none of his primary school friends are a major part of it. He found his tribe.

LittleOwl153 · 08/10/2021 13:23

Assuming it is a small school and not just an abnormally small class the school will have plenty of experience of this kind of thing. Ask the teacher for help. But yes widen you dds Outlook as being dependant t on 1 child is tough all around.

Berthatydfil · 08/10/2021 13:30

Swimming and music lessons aren’t great activities for making friends.
Have you got a local brownies, dance gymnastics athletics or team sports which do activities in groups ?

HarebrightCedarmoon · 08/10/2021 13:31

A group of three is always difficult. It happened to my DD at the same age when they mixed the classes up. DD1 had been best friends with L since they were three. Z, whose best friend had been placed in another class then got friendly with both of them which worked at first, but then Z tried to separate them and split them up by being all friendly with one and excluding the other, and then doing the same with DD1 one week and L the other week. I used to organise play dates with them all together and got on well with the other two mums.

It ended with Z making other friends in the class (but there were at least more girls to choose from, must be very difficult with so many children) and not being so friendly with DD1 and L, but no dramatic fall-out at least.

Then Z went to a different secondary school and DD1 and L got in the same one. Each have different and overlapping friendship groups but they are still best friends, now aged 16.

DD2's best friend is a school year older than her- quite useful as this means they also have different friendship groups each as well.

SingingGoldfinch · 08/10/2021 13:38

A very similar thing happened to my dd at the same age. She was sad for a while but she moved on to new friendships and didn't look back. The old best friend and the new girl are still very close (aged 15) so they obviously just genuinely clicked and it's hard to argue with that or engineer relationships around it. I know how hard it is to watch but you dd will be fine. I appreciate it's probably trickier given that it's such a small class so probably worth having a chat with teacher so they can keep an eye out but I'm sure it will all work out ok for your dd - and she might even end up happier.

Beamur · 08/10/2021 13:43

This is often a problem with small schools. It is upsetting when you're DD is the left out one. She needs to have a wider group of friends - friends outside school are incredibly useful for self esteem when you feel a bit sidelined at school. Something sociable like Brownies or Drama maybe? Unfortunately the other girls might just get on better with each other. Plus, if their Mums are also friends they're more likely to hang out outside of school. They won't be deliberately leaving your DD out, it might not register to include her.

MsTSwift · 08/10/2021 13:56

You potentially have years of this ahead (two young teen girls).

Teach her to be tough and down play it whilst not being dismissive of her feelings - not easy

Try to build other friendships - shame about small class no way would I send a girl to a school with fewer than 12 other girls in the class - bitter experience

Try to instill lack of neediness and the strength to “walk away” if she’s being frozen out or mistreated she’ll get more respect rather than being a puppy hanging around for scraps when she’s not wanted. Dd2 would hang out with the boys or read her book in the library when her “friends” were being bitchy

Invite one of the other kids over.

Maray1967 · 08/10/2021 14:17

Yes, if you can manage to have a play date with one of them at the weekend of both, that might help.
I had this with DS1 in a class with 18 boys in. One boy was an orphan and school let him sit with his choice of friend - who happened to be DS best friend. We had tears every morning for weeks in year 2. Finally the class teacher dealt with it by letting DS sit with the friend and making the other child sit with other children that he was fine with. Her view was that it had gone on long enough and she didn’t agree with head teacher’s view that the child could get his way in everything.
I also invited friend round and not the other boy some times. Other times I invited several round including friend and other boy. It might sound cruel to have sometimes left him out but friends mum said her son also wanted a break from the other boy.
DS and friend remain good friends now, 15 years on.

Noodella18 · 08/10/2021 14:29

Would it be worth chatting to original friend's mum about it? Get the lie of the land from friend's perspective?

BlueStargazer · 08/10/2021 16:49

I've been through this and it's awful. You have my sympathies. However, if they don't want to play, you need to find a way around it. My best advice is to do clubs outside school lilies netball. Also read a book called the Friendship Maze. It helped really me navigate the situation. I'd consider moving her to a bigger school if things don't improve soon. I xx

Comedycook · 08/10/2021 16:52

It's really tough. I think the main issue is actually that there are not many other friendship options due to the class size. Maybe you could try to invite one of the other two girls who aren't in this trio round for a playdate?

Comedycook · 08/10/2021 16:55

shame about small class no way would I send a girl to a school with fewer than 12 other girls in the class - bitter experience

My dd is in a class of 30 but only 9 girls. Thankfully she is good friends with a couple of the girls...but all in all being in a boy heavy class has been awful quite frankly

SD1978 · 08/10/2021 17:13

There is nothing the school can do, but instead of trying to always be inclusive, maybe invite over the girls independently? Three way friendships often suck for one of the kids, I wouldn't be trying to ensure 'fairness' outside of school, just have one to one time

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