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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband referred to old girlfriend when asked about most daring sex

26 replies

TemptingTess · 08/10/2021 11:17

So DH and I have been together nearly 30 years. We are now nearly in our fifties.
Normal relationship in that it has ups and downs, but generally good and supportive.
We have a good sex life, nothing too wild but not prudish either.
Going to bed last night I was watching a video on my phone and it was celebrities being asked their most daring sex experiences. I didn't ask him or involve him. He was just getting ready for bed in the room. He asked, what's yours? Whilst I was thinking about it he said that his was with an old girlfriend and mentioned the details.
Then he said, my second would be with another and then told me the details of that too. Bearing in mind these were nearly 30 years ago I'm surprised he remembered so much detail and so quickly. It felt so disrespectful to me. Both of them were teenage stuff and not very exciting. I got really upset and turned over and went to sleep. Woke up and he had gone to work but I'm still really stinging from this. It's not like him at all to talk like this. He has been working out a lot recently and has lost weight and is feeling quite good about himself. I've been very supportive of this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Summersun2020 · 08/10/2021 11:22

I mean this kindly but I think you’re being a bit over sensitive and unreasonable. In a healthy relationship you should be able to talk openly about past experiences without jealousy and insecurity. Your 30 years together means much more than a teenage shag, and you obviously mean a lot to him to be in such as long relationship. Flowers

LetsGoDoDoDo · 08/10/2021 11:24

Mid life crisis? Is he trying to reconnect with his youth?

I would try to ignore it (whilst privately feeling a bit hurt). Sex in a loving and committed relationship is much better than all of the teenage experimentation IMO. It's almost like a right of passage whilst you figure out what you actually like. It's meaningless!

girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 11:28

I don't want to hear about my husband's past sexual exploits to be honest. I'd tell him that. It's weird for him to just come out with it but maybe he felt it was justified as you were watching an equally weird video.

Original poster
TemptingTess · 08/10/2021 11:32

Thanks, you're all probably right. It just came on demand out of left field and it made me insecure. He is normally a good egg. Haven't seen him today as he left early and he hasn't phoned, think he's feeling guilty about it as he left a note saying he'll bring dinner home tonight.

OP posts:
maofteens · 08/10/2021 11:32

Goodness it may have been his most daring at the time it happened and I certainly remember my early sexual experiences from three decades ago!
He obviously feels very comfortable talking about it and as you say they weren't all that, but as a teenager they may have been something great.
Take a step back and take it for exactly what it is- a long ago memory. If you don't want to listen to details just say so next time.

Mistressofnone · 08/10/2021 11:37

He probably wanted to hear more about what you got up to in your youth!

I remember at my hen do playing Mr & Mrs and it sounded like DH and I had the most dull sex life. Truth is we've never had to have sex in weird places as we always have a perfectly nice home or holiday place. Whereas teenagers have to work around parents, thin walls etc. End up doing it in cars, alleys, golf courses etc. Makes a good story but not always as fun as it sounds.

Tal45 · 08/10/2021 11:42

OH knows a few daring places I've had sex with previous people when I was young - it's not a biggie is it? Does he want to repeat those experiences with you?? I know I don't with my OH!
I don't think you getting upset and turning over and him not saying anything is a good way to communicate though - why not just say 'I feel uncomfortable and upset by you bragging about the wild sex you had with other people when you were young - what exactly are you hoping to achieve by telling me about it?'

CookPassBabtridge · 08/10/2021 11:44

Can you articulate exactly what upsets you about it?

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 08/10/2021 11:45

It wasn't doing it, standing up in a hammock was it?

I think we've all tried that one...Hmm

QuestionNumberOne · 08/10/2021 11:48

It’s obvious isn’t it? He was glorying in the memory of sex with different women in an excitable way. This combined with him losing weight and being more appearance oriented recently is a recipe for his partner feeling insecure.

He was a dickhead to do that to you OP. We all have pasts but it’s how you talk about it. Waxing lyrical about amazing sex with other people is a step too far to be sensitive.

Original poster
TemptingTess · 08/10/2021 11:55

@CookPassBabtridge I think @QuestionNumberOne has summed it up pretty accurately

OP posts:
Janey3090 · 08/10/2021 12:01

I don't think you were being unreasonable to be a bit shocked/upset at all OP. We all have a past and while it's best to be open in a relationship, it wasn't YOU who asked the question, it was him. And then with no encouragement, he just came out with the details. If it was you who asked then that's a different scenario.

Well done you though for not kicking off and just going to sleep, as it allowed him time to think about it and meant you didn't say anything you might later regret. Sounds like he's just got a big confidence boost at the moment/reliving his younger days but I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you. By the sounds of it he is trying to make it up to you too. Let him have the opportunity to do that, as it sounds like you have a lovely marriage aside from this, and 30 years together is amazing! xx

neededafart · 08/10/2021 12:41

I think a lot of our daring experiences happened with first/second partners.

Would i have sex in a field/ car/ woods ect now i am in my 30's - no.
Did i do that with my first boyfriend - yup, many times

I dont need to be daring now, but when i was living with parents, we had to be creative.

Thesearmsofmine · 08/10/2021 12:48

I think it was unfair of him, you didn’t ask him, he just came out with the information. I would try not to worry about it though, I had my most wild sex before I met DH and I had a great time but the idea of doing those things now in my 30’s is not so appealing!

Weirdwonders · 08/10/2021 12:54

Thinking that scenario through in my head, it does sound quite hurtful. I can’t imagine doing that to my partner without knowing it would sting a bit. Do you think he might have been trying to get a reaction out of you, or was he just being thoughtless?

ThreeYearsPastBestByDate · 08/10/2021 13:07

I'd be quite upset about that, too, OP. It does seem disrespectful, and combined with his recent attention to fitness, it might make me feel somewhat insecure, too.

Not all couples are "tell-all" about past relationships. Some think that no good comes of discussing in detail what they did with past partners. No matter how long you've been with someone, it's never pleasant to hear that someone from their past was more exciting or adventurous, even if it's the truth.

Champersandchocolate · 08/10/2021 13:10

Don't get mad, get even!! Make your sex life more daring than he's had before. My partner is 47 and we are very active together. I'm pregnant right now and we are having more sex than before 😂 although not very adventurous at the moment...

Kittykat93 · 08/10/2021 13:14

Yeah I'd be hurt by that. It's not like you asked him..he just came out with it. Some things your partner just doesn't need to know, and I think details of past wild sex experiences with other people is one of those things best kept in your head.

Ariela · 08/10/2021 13:37

Well if he's bringing dinner home...if it floats your boat..I'd be planning your most daring sex exploits for afters...

Whiteswans74 · 08/10/2021 13:44

You asked him a question, he told you the answer. If you wanted him to talk about your relationship you should have said.

KimDeals · 08/10/2021 13:50

@Whiteswans74

You asked him a question, he told you the answer. If you wanted him to talk about your relationship you should have said.
She didn’t though. He asked her and then volunteered his answer while she was thinking.

I’d be hurt too OP and a bit annoyed at the lack of just plain old being sensitive! I’d say it to him, that it was basically a dick move, and then move on.

Newusernamelalala · 08/10/2021 13:53

It sounds like he almost forgot who he was talking to you when he mentioned it to you! As if you’re a friend rather than a wife of 30 years. Coupled with the attempts to keep fit etc he could be thinking about his youth/not wanting to get old/feeling nostalgic, and this program just brought back some memories. As so many pps have said, adventurous, daring, teenage/youthful sex isn’t necessarily the best - he may just have been having a nostalgic chuckle to himself

Original poster
TemptingTess · 08/10/2021 14:00

He phoned at lunch and is apologetic. Said he doesn't know where it came from and has assured me that the only person he wants to have new fantasies about is me. I'll leave it there, thanks for your your advice!

OP posts:
Whiteswans74 · 08/10/2021 14:00

Thank you @KimDeals and sorry I misread op.

TedMullins · 08/10/2021 14:19

Really wouldn’t bother me at all. Most people have a past. I’m not sure what there is to be upset about.

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