Baby's 1st Birthday

[SassyPants87]

So in laws have made it very clear they want to spend my baby's first birthday with her. I suggested that they spend the morning with her (my idea in the first place as I didn't want them to feel left out) and then in the afternoon it would be me, hubby and baby.

But they seem to have an issue with this! I've tried to explain that she's my child, I carried her for 9 months, birthed her etc I have a bond with her that nobody else does and it's important for to have my own time with her. Whenever my in laws see her they always take her off me and I never get to spend proper time with her when they are around and I don't want them to take that time from me that I'm never going to get back!

Now hubby is saying maybe we should let them spend the whole day with us!!

AIBU?

No, you're the parent, not them. If they persist they might find that they don't spend any part of the birthday with you at all. People need to respect boundaries and if you let this go now lay the groundwork for them to continue or make things worse.

Whenever my in laws see her they always take her off me and I never get to spend proper time with her when they are around and I don't want them to take that time from me that I'm never going to get back!

How often do they see her? This all sound very dramatic.

Yes how often do they see her?

I can understand what you mean in a way, o think, as I have a 3 month old a d when my DM comes o de she basically grabs him from me when she arrives and doesn't want to put him down until she goes home. But we only see them about once a week for an hour or two and I know she's just an excited grand mother. It bothered me more when he was younger.

It's good for them to see other people too.

Your 1 year old won't know it's their birthday and I don't see why it would be an issue for grandparents to see her but YANBU if you don't want them all day. Maybe get them to come later as of they come early how will you get them to leave?

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon they see her about 2/3 times a week but always turn up to the house unannounced and when we try and organise a set day/time for them to see her they just go rogue and do their own thing (another issue I know). Now that I'm at work by the time I get home I only have 45 mins with her and sometimes they'll just turn up and I'll have spent no time with her at all before she goes to bed

I've tried to be stern about her birthday with them but they've gotten really pissy about it. I know that baby won't know it's her birthday but I just want a few hours with her on my own it's a big milestone the first birthday and I just don't want to share that with others for the entire day

Set your stall out now, OP. We have always had birthdays as immediate family events when they're small and there's nothing wrong with that.

2/3 times a week is very full-on. We had 2/3 times a month at that age and have since moved further away- it's very peaceful!

Where is your husband in all of this? Why hasn't he told his parents that the popping in bullshit has to stop? It's totally unacceptable that they show up uninvited whenever they please.

@Aquamarine1029 don't even get me started! He's been brought up to always be around family and his extended family always popping over to his parents house when he lived there and vice versa. I know it's hard for him to say anything as he's essentially going against how they just do things but honestly it's driving me up the wall. I've told them before to text/ call beforehand so I can let them know when a good time to come is but it just goes over their head!

I'd make it that they come in the afternoon OP. If they come in the morning and don't leave then what are you going to do?

Plus actually I'd make a plan to be out of the house in the morning to have your special time or by the sounds of it they'll just turn up!

You're being completely reasonable, they and your DH are not. Stand your ground.

Yanbu. Just tell them to come another day. This is your child, they had their turn with their child. If they want to be good grandparents they firstly need to respect the child's parents. Not treat the child's own mother like an inconvenience.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and decide on what level of contact you are happy with. And in how you will deal with over bearing behaviour. Then present a united front. They need to know that this is your child and unless they back off and let you be the parent, they will be seeing a lot less of them. As the baby gets older it will get increasingly irritating to have your parenting undermined every time they visit. So just get the boundaries in place now. And your husband needs to prioritize you before his parents

I would be more irritated by them coming round 2 or 3 times a week after work! That would drive anyone potty.

I would flip this on its head. On the birthday, mention to your PIL that you’d like to see them in the morning and then after baby’s nap you’ll be taking her out for a little treat with mummy and daddy. Then on the day of the birthday, UNANNOUNCED and ideally at an annoyingly earlier time than you arranged, turn up at PIL’s house. If your baby wakes early this could be a lovely early time like 8.30am depending on nap schedule. “Surprise! Since you always come to us we thought we would surprise you!” All jolly and merry. When baby starts to get fussy, make your excuses and leave their house so you can put her down for a proper nap at home. And then it’s done with. I’d be surprised if they’d pay you another visit same day but as long as you leave your plans vague (“oh we thought we would take her swimming/to the petting zoo/to soft play/to the toy shop and get a snack in a cafe someplace”) then hopefully they won’t take a chance on you being in again that day. You don’t actually have to go out then... later you can just tell piL that dd was too tired after the morning’s excitement.