I’m so unhappy and don’t know who I am anymore

[Whoami4]

I don’t really know if this is the right place in posting this. I’m just so so down and feel so unhappy. I don’t know whether I am ungreatful,selfish or what I am I just don’t know anymore. I gave birth to my 2 kids at the 17 and 19 years old, i of course don’t regret a thing they are the best thing that happened to me, I got married young ( I’m Muslim but nobody forced me into anything) ever since I’ve got married and had children I’ve just been a house wife, my kids are 6 and 4 now and both in full time school . I’m only 23 but I feel so happy, I’m just at home all the time,cleaning, cooking repeat. My husband never looks after the kids or helps me, he’s always working. ( he says I don’t need to work) don’t get me wrong he works really hard and gives me everything and the children, but he emotionally and has physically abused me. About 3 and a half years ago something changed in him. We had a major argument about something and ever since then he’s changed ( he’s always had a bit of a temper issue) I’ve done everything I can for him and tried so hard, he’s called me all the names under the sun, hit me, mentally abused me. But I’ve kept getting up in the morning trying to go on because I don’t want to be the woman who breaks up the family ( cultural and religious issues) even in my darkest days I still got up and did everything for him and the children. His brother moved in last year and I basically waited on him hand and foot to and when I was getting so physically and mentally exhausted I told my husband and he fractured my hand. Some times he can be the most nice person there is, expecially during intimate times. And then he can just switch and be so horrible. I don’t feel anything for him anymore, when he tries to touch me I feel nothing, feel nothing during sex, feel nothing for him at all after everything he’s said and how much he’s hit me. I only stay because of the kids because I don’t want to ruin their lives because of the religion and cultural I don’t want it to effect them like that. I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t even speak properly nice to my own children anymore because I’ve finally hit the bottom and I’m so sad that I feel I can’t even go on anymore. It’s hard to get up in the mornings,I feel exhausted all the time. I feel no happiness and look forward to nothing anymore. I can’t leave him, I just know I can’t. I’m scared to be alone, I even question my religious beliefs now because I just don’t know who I am anymore, Muslim, non Muslim. I don’t know who I am or who I want to be. I’m only 23 and i feel ive seen nothing of life or experienced anything of life, I wanted this life but I didn’t think I would marry someone who would treat me like this. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

oh op.

You need to leave. You are not ‘breaking up the family’. He did this with his awful, criminal behaviour. Think of it this way- do you want your children to think this is what a normal, loving relationship looks like? I don’t know if your children are girls or boys, but would you want them to follow this path and repeat what they’ve seen at home, as either victim or abuser?

Speak to women’s aid perhaps, and see if they can help you make a plan to leave and move on so you and your children can have a life free from his violence.

There will certainly be groups or charities for Muslim women who've been through this. They, or women's aid, have the expertise to support you.

You must also speak to your GP. You're suffering from depression and while that continues you won't feel you have the strength to take control of the situation.

for you.

You must leave this man. He is abusing you.

You won't have broken up the family. He's already doing that right now.

I’m so sorry OP

This sounds so awful. It’s so sad to read what you’ve been through, and what you are continuing to go through. This is really very serious abuse. Your children will be feeling this. Soaking it all in. They will be scared. They will grow up thinking that this is normal; this is how women should be treated. I’m sure that’s not the future you want for either of them.

If you’re not able or ready to leave him right now, can you talk to someone and get some support? There are charities who support women from your community - like this one. www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/issuesstep2.php?id=14 There are also likely to be similar organisations local to you. You don’t have to go through this alone. You are braver than you realise, and there is another path for you.

Sending you strength to do the right thing for you and the children and leave this abusive man. It sounds like a very difficult situation.

Do you have friends or family you csn talk to?

You might want to report this thread ask MN HQ to move it to Relationships, they have so much advice and support.

You are not nothing. You are a brave, strong woman who is standing up for herself.

You are a woman who recognises she is in an abusive relationship and wants better for herself.

You are a mother who wants more for children.

There is lots if support out there for you. It may seem hard to start with but you are only 23. You have so many better experiences in front of you.

Also I'm proud of you that you have made the first step by acknowledging what is happening is wrong. You deserve more.

Women's Aid is a good place to start but can you say where you are? Not exactly where but which area or county?

We can then signpost you to support in your area. There are lots of Muslim women who have been in your place, they have got out and want to support you

Please leave this abusive man before he kills you, because I fear one day he will.

Echo the above posters, contact women’s aid, or a Muslim women dedicated charity if you have to, but you really need to get yourself and your children away from this despicable man ASAP. Very worried for you.

Do you have anyone, anyone at all that you could confide in IRL?

OP, any culture or religion that pushes a women to stay in a marriage where she is being physically assaulted and in grave danger, is not a culture or religion worth having.

This is not normal behaviour in a loving and supportive relationship, please don’t think it is.

You are feeling the way you do because of how your husband treats you. He should not treat you in this way and it will be affecting your children.
Southall Black Sisters can help. The staff are mainly South Asian and Muslim or Hindu, so they do understand the religious and cultural pressures you are facing.
Both you and your children deserve better than this.

southallblacksisters.org.uk/contact-us/

This isn’t right OP. You deserve a happy life with your children, free of abuse. You’ve tried to stay in your marriage but your husband is not a good man. You need to plan how to end the marriage, even if you’re not able to actually leave right now. His behaviour is causing the breakup of your family, not you. Woman’s Aid and the link that Bancha posted would be a good place to start. Think first about how to approach these organisations safely, not leaving a history on your phone etc, so that you’re not at more risk from your husband. Can you also contact your GP as you may need treatment for depression too. You are so young and you have a life ahead of you and you can be happy again. Sending you strength.

There is a world out there for you that is safe for you, and safe for you to practise or not practise your religion to whatever degree you are comfortable.

This is not what life is about and women do not have to live like this any more, whatever their culture.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this.

Firstly, you can and should leave him. This abuse is not right and you’ve done nothing wrong at all. He is a vile man and you and your children deserve SO much better. What is happening will also be damaging to your children. As PP said you don’t want town growing up thinking this is okay!

I understand the cultural/religious aspect of leaving because I too am Muslim. My sister got married young at 17 years old and had her children really young too (2 boys). At 25ish she divorced her husband as she fell out of love with him. My family at first couldn’t come to terms with it, however she pressed ahead and she is now the happiest she has ever been and has met and fell in love and married someone else. Your children deserve to see you happy. Do you have family you can talk to? If you explained what’s been happening, would they understand your reasons to leave?

If not, report this to the police, you can also apply for a non molestation order so he can’t come anywhere near you, and get in touch with women’s aid so they can help you plan to leave.

I know there may be fear of losing family members, and it may be tough to start with but they WILL come around (I’ve seen a lot of it nowadays in our religion). If you do this now, I’m 2 years time you will thank yourself.

Please please please reach out and get help and report this, it will be tough at first but it is so worth it. You are stronger than you could ever imagine!

And if you ever need someone to talk to please message me directly. X

OP, perhaps you already know that the Prophet ordered men to stop any abusive behaviour towards women. “How does any one of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then sleeps with her at night?” he once asked. Your husband is violating his religion.

The Muslim Womens Network can help you

www.mwnuk.co.uk/Helpline_181_c.php

You could also try Southall Black Sisters. Despite the name, they help all BAME women.

southallblacksisters.org.uk/

I’m not Muslim, but I am Asian background so I do understand how much social pressure there is …

• but he has literally broken your bones! He’s not a man, and you are so young : you and your children deserve so much more. Times have also changed and people understand that this isn’t way to live/you would be right to leave

The charities are a good point, but is there anyone who would help & support you to leave (older sister/cousin/aunt/friends)

Can you talk to your mum & move back to your parents with the kids?

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You’re not happy because your husband has been physically abusive to you. You do not deserve this.

I know you’re worried about leaving for cultural and religious reasons, but your children deserve a mother who is happy and feels good about yourself. Think about what they are seeing and knowing that their mother is hurting.

I urge you to at least speak to someone about this and see what options you have. I would not stay with a man who abused me. You have to understand that no matter your beliefs, that no one has any right to put their hands on you.

So I think you should reach out to get some advice and think about leaving. You and your children deserve better.

Can you carry on like this for another 50 years? Or more? You have to get out and the sooner the better. Life is short. Don't waste it. As a pp has said, there are groups to support Muslim women.

Please find support outside of the home.

Your children are watching and learning that this behaviour is acceptable. They will allow others to treat them this way or treat people like this. Is that what you want for them? By staying you are giving permission in their eyes.

Please please please contact the Muslim Womens Network helpline - 0800 999 5786 www.mwnuk.co.uk/. Even if it’s just to open up and share with others who understand the cultural issues you face.

He is not a good husband. He is not a good role model. I worry his behaviour will escalate to the point that broken bones and injuries aren’t one odds but weekly or daily occurrences.

OP, it’s very easy for me to say leave because I don’t have that cultural aspect in my life but look at it like this, would you want your children to stay in a marriage like this just to keep the status quo? Please have a look at what @RobertaFirmino said.

OP how are you today?

I want to give you a big hug. You're not ungrateful. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. You deserve to be respected.

Hello Whoami4. You have many 'yet to be known' friends, allies and fellow brave warriors out there who will understand your unfair, claustrophobic world more than you realise. I would recommend, when you have a quiet moment, calling the 'Samaritans' on 116 123. It's a free helpline that is absolutely confidential, and will listen with understanding. There is an email option too. They will help you find the right help for YOU. Stay strong.