To feel like my own issues now influence how I feel about my dc?

[Squashedkoosh]

I feel like a failure and have for as long as I can remember. Possibly because I AM a failure 🤔
I feel the same about my children. I can’t be bothered to try and get them to do anything academically because I just think their lives aren’t going to be great and they’ll never achieve anything. Dc1 is reasonably bright but has some SEN so is always going to struggle. Dc2 hasn’t any SEN but is very low ability.
All my friends have good jobs...then there’s me. They all have smart children who effortlessly make friends and achieve...then there’s my children.
Comparison is the thief of joy and all, especially if everyone else is always better than you.

I do think your issues are influencing how you feel about DC. if you don’t encourage them and try to get them to do anything then there is a real chance their lives won’t be great.

You sound pretty down tbh. Have you spoken to the Dr? Have you tried CBT? It really would be worth speaking to someone about how you are feeling, and how you view your life, as it will be impacting on your DC & their future. You can learn to change how you think so things don’t seem so negative. I read something on MN quite recently. Instead of saying “I’ve got to” change it to “I get to”.

Instead of I’ve got to go to work, change it to I get to go to work and finish early because I’m part time.

I’ve got to help with homework-I get to help X and see how neat his writing is/good his drawing is /much his maths is improving etc.

It takes practice, we are hardwired to see negatives.

You aren’t a failure
I have a friend who bought a 3/4 million house, I earn less in a year than she earns in a couple of months. Do I envy her lovely clothes, holidays & lifestyle? Sure, but it doesn’t make me feel a failure that my job isn’t high level & that I’m not super intelligent.

Do you have any friends or family who can mentor your children?

Sorry, but I'm pretty shocked by your attitude: your children can't be allowed to suffer because of your attitude. It might be too late for you, but it's your responsibility to find help for your children if you can't support them.

You chose to have them, they didn't choose you as a mother.

Everyone's issues effect how they parent.

A silly one for me is growing up we never ate out. We'd be the family standing at the side of the road in freezing rain eating nasty sandwiches.
Consequence is I love eating out and will almost always choose that rather than packed meals, even when it's a bit of a hassle. One of my siblings does exactly the same as my parents, the other is more of a mixture.

But with "everyone else's children are brilliant and mine aren't" just remember that what you're seeing is the public face they want you to see. One of my siblings used to put on fb:
"Lovely morning painting with the dc. They did some fantastic artwork. Never knew they were so artistic. So proud. Can't wait to do it again soon. #makingmemories #mummytime #lovemychildren"

Then I'd speak to them and they'd say "This morning was dreadful. I thought we'd do some craft. Mia refused to come out from under the table, then I found she'd taken the glue and stuck all the bits from the craft pack to the bottom of the table, and I had to take a chisel to get some of it off and I've taken a chunk out of the table. While I was doing that Ethan took the blue paint and painted the cat, which ran off and the whole house is covered with blue paint. When I got them both sitting down they had an argument and both went off in a sulk. Never doing that again."