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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not facilitate time for DS with my ex-MIL

22 replies

INeedToBuyaZoo · 07/10/2021 16:50

My ex-Mil has never liked me, she has always been horrid to me. Her dog once got in my son's (toddler at the time) face and I wasn't familiar with dogs, so I batted him away, I didn't smack him, I just pushed his face away. I then got texts the next day about smacking her dog and how dare I.

When my ex-husband sexually assaulted me after I asked for a divorce she brushed it under the carpet.

When I got a new partner she told me my son didn't need lots of "uncles" going in and out of his life.

When that didn't work out she was smug. My current partner she refers to some man I have shacked up with.

Recently I was picking my sister up from the other side of the country and so my partner was babysitting my 10 year old for the morning. She knew this as I mentioned it in passing (silly me). She spoke to my ex-husband about it who doesn't have a problem with it. I said to her, look I want you to know that what you say about me behind my back doesn't hurt me anymore. So she laid in to me and said, wouldn't the RSPCA be interested to know how many pets you have. I have a fair few, all well cared for! And what would my landlord think about how many animals I have (who knows I have animals). She makes it sound like I have twenty...

These threats, however empty really distressed me and I just blocked her on whatsapp etc. She is not blocked on DS's phone.

Now, she is threatening to take legal action in order to see DS (she works for a family lawyer). I am assuming she cannot do this? I haven't blocked contact I've said if she wants to see DS she needs to arrange it with his dad aka her son. But apparently I am blocking contact as I live half way between the two of them. I am 45 minutes from ex and 45 minutes from her. For her to drive to him takes her 90 minutes basically.

I just don't want to see her. DS isn't particularly bothered about going to see her and unfortunately he has picked up on the fact that she doesn't like me. We were on ok terms last year but only because I was avoiding any conflict. She just does not like me at all. I faciliated the contact before because I understand its important for grandparents to be in his life but I swear I can't see her face anymore.

She's not my bloody mother so why do I have to drive 45 minutes to pick up my son from hers at the end of a weekend. I don't even want her to come to my house to pick DS up or drop him off. I also think my partner would have a major issue with it as he has seen how upset I get in relation to her.

So, am I being entirely unreasonable refusing to be the facilitator bearing in mind I live closer to her than to my ex husband?

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 07/10/2021 16:53

You are not being unreasonable at all. Do not contact her. She has no legal rights to see your child.

Hadalifeonce · 07/10/2021 16:53

I think it's totally reasonable that your child's father facilitates contact with members of HIS family.

whenthedoveslie · 07/10/2021 16:55

You owe her nothing.

In fact I would block her.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 16:55

Does your ex get contact time with your son? If so then yes she needs to sort it out with him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2021 16:55

You never need to have anything to do with her. Why are you in contact at all? She’s sounds disgusting. She also sounds like someone I’d be protecting my son from. He’s 10, he doesn’t want to see her so why on Earth should he?!

If she wants to see him she can do so on her son’s time.

Ignore her threats. Empower your son to say no to contact with her. Then put her from your mind.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 16:55

And ask her to stop contacting you.

Howshouldibehave · 07/10/2021 16:56

She sounds vile. The good bit about separating is that your in laws are no longer your problem.

She can liaise with her son if she wants to see her grandson.

NumberNineTwo · 07/10/2021 16:57

She has no legal rights. Block her. If she wants to see your son she’ll need to arrange to see him during his dad’s contact time. There’s no reason for her to ever contact you again.

canigooutyet · 07/10/2021 16:57

Carry on ignoring her and let her crack on with it. You didn't have to deal with her for as long as you did. You could have cut ties when you split with her child.

Firstly she will have to get permission from the court to take you to court for access.

SouthsideSally · 07/10/2021 16:58

You have no obligation to facilitate contact. Her son can if he wants to. Bloke and ignore her. Absolutely no contact. If she badmouths you in front of your child tell your ex that this damages your child more than it damages you.

JuneOsborne · 07/10/2021 16:59

I ha e no idea why she knows anything at all about your life, or why she gets to say things to you like about the RSPCA or whatever.

Block,delete, ignore.

She has a son who sees his son. If her son wants her to have a relationship with his mum, that's up to him. Nothing to do with you at all.

Keep on telling yourself this.

kitkatsky · 07/10/2021 17:04

She'd only have a chance of contact if she'd been heavily involved in bringing him up, for example if you'd had a drug issue when he was born. She's bullying you. Let her speak to her son about contact and ignore. It's not your problem

JustLyra · 07/10/2021 17:04

No, she has no legal right to make you facilitate access to your DS

She’ll have read about “grandparents rights” and not be realising that they were brought in to allow grandparents who have a massive role in the GC’s life (many who use that have a parental role) to ask court if they could be considered for access because it would be detrimental to the child to lose the link.

They’re not for weekend Grannies in a huff to get one up on their exDIL.

Original poster

INeedToBuyaZoo · 07/10/2021 17:04

She knows about animals because she will quiz my son about his homelife so he might talk about the dogs for example. Apparently more than 1 dog is too many. So she will then ask him, oh how does your mum keep it clean and being a 10 year old he'll probably say he doesn't know!

She knows about my partner, although she didn't find out about him for a very long time - she heard him in the background when she was facetiming DS. She asked who that was, DS said who it was - so she quizzed DS on whether DS liked my partner.

So its just a massive barrel of shit.

I'm not unblocking her. She asked ex if she can have DS on a weekend in October and hes told her that its his weekend and he wants to spend it with his son so she's getting in a right huff about it.

But good to know she would need to ask the court for permission to even take me to court. I will stop worrying and continue as I am. Which is being relatively happy!

OP posts:

AdaColeman · 07/10/2021 17:12

It is totally the responsibility of your Ex to facilitate contact between his family and your child, it should be done during his own contact time.
No need for you to have any contact with her at all.

NorthSouthcatlady · 07/10/2021 17:12

@JustLyra all this!

I’m not sure where to start with this. She sounds vile! Leave her blocked. Why do you have to run round after her? She can try legal routes and waste money if she wants

DFOD · 07/10/2021 17:17

The apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

The best thing that you can do for your son is role model good boundaries. He needs to know that there are v difficult people in this world and no one needs to tolerate their bad behaviour or be put upon.

Be calm and open with him that his GM is being difficult and disrespectful to you so you have decided to withdraw communication with her. Show him that swerving difficult people is the right way to go in life - with no fear, obligation or guilt - family or not.

These are not good people for him to have in his life. She only gets to see your DS in your xDH but time. That’s for them to negotiate themselves. Know that minimising time with this toxic family is the best thing for your DS.

JuneOsborne · 07/10/2021 17:18

But again, how do you even know all of this? That she's in a right huff?

Notaroadrunner · 07/10/2021 17:38

You shouldn't have maintained contact if she was so disrespectful of you. Since the split you should have left it to your ex to visit her with Ds if he wanted. Keep her blocked. You have no reason to ever set eyes on her again. If your ex wants to facilitate visiting her with Ds on his time then so be it, but you don't have to facilitate as much as a phone call. I'd be wary of her having access to Ds via his phone as god knows what she will say about you.

DFOD · 07/10/2021 17:52

@Notaroadrunner

I would be keeping a very close eye on any texts between them and be ready to intercept if you see her over stepping the mark. Your DS is young and susceptible and should not be exposed to any nonsense.

AdaColeman · 07/10/2021 18:14

Is it your child who is requesting FaceTime calls with the Granny?
If so, I’d be telling them to do that while they are with your Ex.

She sounds as though she is using FaceTime to intrude into your home life. So you need to put a stop to that. Get some boundaries in place, protect your privacy, stop letting her walk all over you, learn to say “no” and mean it.

TopCatsTopHat · 07/10/2021 19:16

If she complains seeing ds is now more difficult, you can just tell her she should have thought about that before she actively deteriorated her relationship with you. She's made her bed now she needs to lie in it.

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