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AIBU?

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Original poster

Anyone watch Maid on Netflix?

51 replies

Anonymice1 · 07/10/2021 14:49

I have (luckily) little experience of homelessness, abuse or even poverty for that matter. For some reason as a parent it really struck a chord with me. I think Andie MacDowell did a fantastic job at playing the grandmother (and I did not know the main character was her real daughter). The main character Alex made so many stupid decisions, but I guess that too is very realistic and not to be judged.

However, I searched for Maid online just to see what other people thought about the series, and found it a bit shocking how many people are supporting Sean and the father, and basically reducing Alex to a bullshit victim.

Are people taking the piss, or do so many people actually think abusers, even emotional abusers, are right?

(No spoilers please!)

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Sunshinealligator · 08/10/2021 03:41

Excellent series. I have binged it. The main character did make some stupid decisions, but she's young, and lost. I cried at a lot of points, she was fucked over by the system, by everyone who shoildve supported her.
It showed exactly how abuse isn't always as we hear about it. Sometimes it's more nuanced. He stripped her piece by piece.

A great series, but no one else around cares to watch it.

leavesthataregreen · 08/10/2021 08:27

@Pinkbonbon

And the very fact that this show has made you think 'can they change?' highlights EXACTLY why I think it's a toxic portrayal. And why it made me uncomfortable with the way they presented him.

The vast majority of abusers bloody well are evil. And the vast majority of the ones who 'only get abusive when they drink' do so because they PLAN to use the drink as an excuse. Not because it makes them into a monster, but because they want to pretend it does.

There could be women who have been abused watching it now and thinking 'oh, but Sean wasn't all bad, he was just going through some shit...maybe it's the same for my ex'. Which is really worrying.

I read that differently. Her father had allegedly 'changed' by keeping off the drink and finding Jesus but he refused to stand up for her when she was being bullied at the dinner table, he didn't honour her wish not to see him. Both men were manipulative when sober. Sean's speech at Tania's marriage was aimed at Alex not Tania: good women devote their lives to mending their broken men. Meanwhile Alex is off printing out her college application.

And 'he's only bad when he drinks' isn't much of a redemptive quality. I think the writers know that. He chose to get drunk instead of care for his child, chose to bring home beer instead of food when they were broke. But he is human, a product of his own upbringing. I don't think it's bad to show he's not just a monster. It's easier to be sucked back in by someone who genuinely wants to change than someone who is just manipulative. He believes his own stories when he weaves them.

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Anonymice1 · 08/10/2021 09:20

I very recently found out that a childhood friend of mine was emotionally (bording on physically) abused by her childrens father for years. She is the strongest person I know, and I can’t believe she stayed. One night she took her children and a bin bag with some stuff and left, she had been able to rent a flat in secret. She has so many friends and supporting parents nearby, but never told anyone for years because she was ashamed. It sounds crazy. I did get a better understanding after watching this.

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Theoldprospector · 08/10/2021 09:29

It was an excellent depiction of abuse. The underlying reason for abuse is a desire to control, which Sean and her father had throughout. People with the desire to control rarely change.

Theoldprospector · 08/10/2021 09:34

‘Sean's speech at Tania's marriage was aimed at Alex not Tania: good women devote their lives to mending their broken men.’

This is key. It really doesn’t matter if Sean had good points (helping her with her mum), reasons for being abusive (drinking problem, bad upbringing) or comes across as likeable (abusers usually do), women cannot and should not damage their own or their children’s lives to try and fix broken men.

funinthesun19 · 08/10/2021 09:40

I currently have this on at the moment. It’s making me feel really uneasy as I just want her to succeed for her and her daughter.
Her husband is a typical abuser. He’s a gaslighting, violent alcoholic. That’s the impression I’ve got from the first episode.

ScreamToTheSky · 08/10/2021 09:41

Signing in, I have this on my list and will make it my next watch.

Obviously don’t know the story yet but it is shocking in real life how victim blamey society can be :(

Herecomesspring1 · 08/10/2021 10:16

@Mumofsend @Anonymice1

Thanks both - I might brave it then.

FirewomanSam · 08/10/2021 12:18

There could be women who have been abused watching it now and thinking 'oh, but Sean wasn't all bad, he was just going through some shit...maybe it's the same for my ex'. Which is really worrying.

@Pinkbonbon I do totally see where you’re coming from, but my reaction was the exact opposite. I though Sean was brilliantly portrayed, and as a survivor of emotional abuse myself it was the first time I’ve actually recognised my own abuser in any on-screen depictions of abusive men. I think if all you ever see are the 100% awful, violent -all-the-time assholes with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, then you look at your own partner and think ‘well he’s not like that, he’s nice sometimes, so he can’t really be abusive.’ I loved that Maid showed the full cycle of abuse, including those moments where Sean was helpful and loving towards Alex, because in reality that’s what many abuse victims’ lives look like. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach when Alex told the social worker ‘I don’t want to take a spot away from someone who’s being abused for real’ because that is EXACTLY how I felt too. Like I was a fraud because my partner didn’t hit me, and he’d made me a lovely birthday dinner a few weeks ago, and a ‘real’ abuser just wouldn’t do that.

I thought the show did a good job of showing that Sean was battling his own demons and trauma without suggesting that made the abuse OK or that Alex should accept it.

I know we all bring our own experiences to our viewing though and everyone will identify with different aspects of it, and have different interpretations. That’s just how I felt watching it and I found it hugely cathartic and validating of my own experience.

Original poster
Anonymice1 · 08/10/2021 12:35

It made me want to buy a cashmere cardigan.

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Original poster
Anonymice1 · 08/10/2021 12:39

@FirewomanSam My reaction was also the exact opposite. I found it hard not to feel for Sean though.

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FirewomanSam · 08/10/2021 12:58

I think it’s totally valid for feel for Sean. His childhood sounded heartbreaking and he was battling some terrible addictions. What the show did well, though (at least I thought so) was showing that none of that was Alex’s job to ‘fix’, that she didn’t owe him anything, and that she absolutely did not have any responsibility to endure his abuse because of all his own troubles.

I’ll preface this next bit with a SPOILER ALERT even though I’ll try to speak in vague terms… skip this if you haven’t watched to the end though!

HERE BE SPOILERS HERE BE SPOILERS HERE BE SPOILERS

I think what the ending showed was that any true capacity Sean had for growth and change could only happen without Alex. He was never going to be able to make any genuine changes in himself if he was only ever doing it ‘for’ Alex and Maddy, because then he would invariably slip back into his old self whenever he started to feel comfortable again. In order to actually get better he would have to fully accept that Alex was gone and work on himself, for himself. It was never Alex’s job to make him better and equally he could never get better for her.

END SPOILERS

Sunshinealligator · 08/10/2021 13:09

Something I really liked about this series was the way it portrayed its characters, it showed people as they really are.

It showed people as neither all bad, or all good.
I particularly liked that it did show Sean in some of his more vulnerable moments, it showed some of the reasons he was that way.

I really hope that this series will reach women in DV situations who will watch and realise, that no their partner may not be all bad. But that they are abusers and that behaviour escalates and escalates.

No one person in this world is entirely bad, but if they're hurting you, it will get worse. And to leave, even if it isn't the 1st or second or even third time.

TheBestForLast · 09/10/2021 00:32

I binged on this and thought it was such a good series. Didn't realise until season 7 or 8 they are mother and daughter in real life. I agree the little girl is adorable and such a good actress.

fargo123 · 12/10/2021 04:27

I've just finished watching this and thought the writing and acting were brilliant.

The US welfare system though.... my god. Does it need an overhaul or what?!

I had no idea the mother and daughter were really mother and daughter in real life until I read it here. But now that I know, the physical similarities are glaringly obvious.

SaskiaRembrandt · 12/10/2021 06:17

@Pinkbonbon

I don't like the portrayal of the abuser at all tbh. They've gone for the old troupe of 'he is only bad when he drinks' bullshit.

I'd much rather that insread of trying to make him some tortured soul who has 'layers' that they showed gaslighting, fake niceness and general manipulations.

I thought it was a more accurate portrayal than the typical one of an abuser as almost a pantomime villain, which inevitably feeds into the narrative that abusers can be easily identified, and therefore the people they abuse could avoid them if they wanted to.
Werehamster · 12/10/2021 06:49

I didn't think Sean only was abusive when he was drunk. He was clearly manipulative and controlling even when sober. For example the financial abuse and the gaslighting. It showed that his violence and aggression escalated when he was drunk though. I thought he was an interesting character and very well acted. I also agree that showing him as sometimes nice and helpful and caring was very real. The cycle of abuse is a well-documented thing, but just because someone isn't bad all the time, doesn't mean it's ok and i thought it showed clearly that while he could be great support for Alex, it wasn't ok for her to stay in that situation.

Dazedandconfused28 · 12/10/2021 06:55

I thought it was a genius series - and was brilliant in that it was so restrained in its telling of domestic abuse.

The fact that Sean was so loveable at times made it all the better for me, and helped explain why she was repeatedly drawn to him. I'm not trying to justify the abuse, but it showed the complexity of situations that many women find themselves in.

I thought the generational patterns of abuse were portrayed brilliantly. It was nuanced, restrained & heartbreaking

Original poster
Anonymice1 · 12/10/2021 13:04

For me it really is a series that has stayed with me, or rather the characters. I’m glad Paula made the choice she did in the end, for Alex’s sake.

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Wroxie · 12/10/2021 13:06

Has anyone else read the book, and if so, how does it compare?

Kiduknot · 12/10/2021 13:24

I thought it was a great series too. You really felt for all the characters. They were all fighting their own personal demons.

starrynight87 · 12/10/2021 13:36

I read the book, and found it very sad.

Original poster
Anonymice1 · 12/10/2021 14:22

@starrynight87 did you also watch the series?

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motherheroic · 12/10/2021 14:32

@Pinkbonbon

I don't like the portrayal of the abuser at all tbh. They've gone for the old troupe of 'he is only bad when he drinks' bullshit.

I'd much rather that insread of trying to make him some tortured soul who has 'layers' that they showed gaslighting, fake niceness and general manipulations.

Well it's based on a true story and if that's what the authors abuser was like then that's that.
ConstanceGracy · 12/10/2021 14:57

The whole point of Maid was that people think emotional abuse isn’t actually abuse at all and I disagree that she made many shit decisions, I think she just did what a lot of women do in that situation.