Am I being judged as a bad parent?

[mag2305]

I'm really struggling with my 3 year old son's behaviour. He's quite boisterous, not great at sharing, has tantrums, kicks out sometimes, refuses to follow instructions. I am trying to socialise him more with other children as he missed out on doing so since the pandemic and with me being pregnant. His pre school teacher told me this morning that he lashed out at other children over sharing. I feel absolutely awful, like I'm failing him and now it's having an impact on others. I'm worried that other parents will judge me as a bad parent at playgroups and similarly with the pre school staff. My ds and I stand our ground with ds and have a consistent approach to his behaviour. Don't give in, explain what we want from him, use positive reinforcement, use calming down time, etc but I don't know where to go from here. It feels like things are getting worse, not better. The pre school teacher even said to me this morning, you must find him so difficult at home. And we do.
AIBU to feel like it's my fault as a parent? Blaming myself.
P. S. He only turned 3 last week.

He's 3!!

Why not ask for a meeting with the pre-school teacher, explaining that you and your husband try to make sure you're consistent, and perhaps it would be useful to meet and make sure you can be consistent between home and pre-school. S/he may have additional ideas for strategies, or may be glad to know what you do at home (although obviously some strategies are not possible when you're managing a larger group of children).

Other parents may well understand. I used to run a toddler group, and there were some children who were a handful but you could see that their parent was doing all the right things. What was more worrying was when we could see that a parent was panicked by "what must other people think of me" into over-reacting.

Sounds like a normal 3 yr old. Don’t be so hard on yourself. He will learn to share. But again.. he’s 3.

Adults should really learn to try to look at the world thru the eyes of a child sometimes.

There are so many things that are new to your son. How can he be an expert at sharing when he only recently has ever had to?

Think of childhood like being on a prolonged holiday.. you see all these new sites, eat new exciting food, make a few cultural faux pas. This entire world is new for your son. He’s observing and learning.. he’s the tourist stopping to admire that building that the locals (adults) take for granted because we have seen it so much.

Kids are new to the world. He will learn to share. He sounds like a very normal and healthy 3 year old. So don’t worry. Anyone who has ever been around a 3 yr old boy will tell you, this is perfectly in line with someone who has only been in the world for 36 months.

You are doing all the right things. A nursery worker told me DS was the most stubborn child she had ever met. I could have snogged her. Yes! Yes he is! Finally, some validation! Yes I deserved a medal. It's not you it's him. Just persevere. Hold firm. Keep your shit together. You've been dealt a tough card. And you are, frankly, acing it. He will get there. Anyone who judges you hasn't parented him. Lucky them, they don't understand.

keep up the good work. He will probably be delightful by five.

I put yabu to think it's your fault. But yanbu. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong. He might improve as he gets older. If he doesn't and the school struggle with him you could ask for help

Hi OP, my DS is 4 and let me tell you there are some WILD kids in his social group.

If I'm honest I do judge pretty much all the parents of DS's friends - and I'm sure they judge me too! I've noticed it as a sort of exhausted mental reflex where you say "I wouldn't do that" to reassure yourself that you're doing ok!

I don't judge them to be "bad parents", much less "bad people". I know some kids are tougher and that it's all about doing the best for your family. I just sort of give myself a mental high-five on tough days that "at least he's not doing X!"

People judge, it's human, but don't sweat it. You're doing great and that's all you can do. Best of luck! This too will pass... and soon we'll be panicking about hormones and internet blockers and where they are at 2am on a Friday night

He is only just 3 and has spent 1.5 years in a pandemic - to be honest I would have only empathy and concern for kids this age. The odd time in these situations I have looked a parent and said "oh your turn today, it was mine yesterday" usually with a wry smile and show solidarity. The majority of parents are just doing their best - he is very young and has had a lot of disruption in a short space of time. Consistency and patience will see you through - this is a phase and it will pass. You are both doing the best for him, time will help. Mind yourself.

Summerhouse my dd2 is also sooo stubborn.
Today went in dress down day with both a knitted jumper and sweater on.

Also i would bear in mind that sometimes preschools/schools are nit watching them closely and the other kids are snatching or saying mean stuff which them ends up with impulsive kids reacting and the one doing stuff not getting in trouble

It all sounds pretty normal.

My now 5 year old Dd is a completely different child to her 3 year old self..

With my Dd, her behaviour stemed from the fact she struggled with speech and people would find it difficult to understand her. She is fine now and has her group of friends at school and is much happier.

Honestly, there will be more people looking at you with understanding than judgement. Most have been there.
Youre not failing, not at all. Neither is your ds.
Sharing is learned in nursery for a lot of kids and some handle it better than others. They all get there in the end though.
Its hard to take turns or to share when you're having fun. Even as adults sometimes. Now imagine a 3 year old without a firm understanding of sharing, being told they must.

Sharing is not a natural trait, especially in children. Adults want children to share to encourage empathy and “being nice”. What it actually looks like when you’ve just turned 3 is that you have to give up the toy you were really enjoying playing with because someone else wants it. Why are they more important than you? It’s bull crap. Imagine it this way, you’re playing on your phone. DH comes into the room and says he wants a turn. Would you happily hand it to him or would you say “No. I’m using it! You can have it when I’m done”.

Turn taking is much easier for children to understand. Child A has the toy until they’re finished. Child B knows they have to wait until A is done. They have a definite system so they have certainty. A doesn’t feel like they’re being cheated and B knows that they’ll get the toy. Sharing (at this age) is not caring. It’s someone having something taken off them and someone else getting what they wanted because they demanded it. Not really teaching empathy.

3 year olds don’t follow instruction. Make sure you name and discuss his emotions, even the difficult ones. Show him that losing his temper is perfectly normal and not something to be afraid of (when they’re that young and have a meltdown, they can easily get frightened by their reaction as they don’t have the tools to deal with it. They’ve then moved on from whatever caused the meltdown and just need the space and help to get their shit together again. If he’s melting down there won’t be any point in insisting that he stops screaming/kicking etc. That’s not the moment he learns how to behave. He learns how to behave when he’s calm and can take in what you’re saying) and teach how to take turns as that will help when he’s got a baby to play with.

Your not failing, he's only three and going through a big change. He's likely frustrated. He will hopefully pass that phase soon.

Sounds like you're doing everything right. You'll get there in the end but it just takes longer with some children than others.

But don't let them get you down about your DS. He needs you to set and enforce consistent boundaries but he also needs you to be his cheerleader and see all the positives.

I would be concerned if the nursery staff are focusing purely on the negatives. Yes, they should make you aware of any issues but they should also be telling you about what he does well, what he's enjoyed and what makes him tick in their experience.