To want a bit of fuss?

[floofycroissant]

It was our wedding anniversary last week, and I can't help feeling uncared for. No card, no gift and he slept in until late morning so actually my mum and several friends actually wished me a happy anniversary before my own husband.

DH did insist we go out for dinner, but he positioned it more as a box ticking exercise than something he wanted to do; "we should go out otherwise you'll hold it against me" - charming. Then he suggested his favourite restaurant, I love trying new things which doesn't come naturally to him so I suggested an alternative which he was cool with. What that actually meant was I booked the table, the train and navigated us around for the evening, all felt like a bit of a chore in the end

I don't want to sound grabby, it's not really about the THINGS it's more the thought. The evening ended up on the couch watching News Night like he always does, honestly Im not sure why I bothered.

i think you should probably communicate your feelings to him )in words) otherwise he won't know what you want.

YANBU but I noticed you did not mention whether you get him a card or gift??? My DH and I usually get each other something and we jointly plan something. Small for regular years like a dinner or day out and big for milestone years. (For example went to Alhambra in Granada for our 20th).

I’m not sure how long you are married, but anniversaries are worthy of a bit of fuss. Perhaps talk to him?

I did Plan, it was something related to his hobby, it's actually going back as it's too small but he did say he loved it and it was very thoughtful. But I knew from his reaction that he hadn't even considered reciprocating.

Thing is, I love gifting, but DH uses that against me "oh you're so good at it, I'll just get it wrong" or uses his job/busyness as a reason why he doesn't have time. A bunch of flowers from the supermarket isn't rocket science or particularly taxing.

I find it ridiculous that I have to tell him, and tbh if I spell it out for him that's not thoughtful of him is it? It's just following orders.

We were talking about having children soon and I quite bluntly said I don't see how they fit with his lifestyle/work, his reply was that you just have to prioritise what's important and I think that sums everything up really doesn't it.

What was he like before you got married?

I’m so sorry @floofycroissant it really does sound to me that he is taking you for granted. Some spouses do this after marriage, they think they have you locked in forever so they stop being actively loving.

His head needs a wobble. You could suggest couples counselling and bring this up, as it is a form of neglect in my opinion.

He wasn't as bad as this before marriage, no. But also I am a terrible people pleaser, so would also tend to take the lead on special occasions and think of others before myself. I'm actively trying not to do so as much as I get older.

Thing is Plan he is loving but it's all on his terms. He's a very affectionate person, loves a cuddle/hugs and is always telling me he loves me or I look good. Recently I just find he tells me the same things so often they lose all meaning, why wouldn't you want to make someone you love feel special or put some time and effort into the relationship? I just feel like he gets his needs met and I'm left wanting on an emotional level.

For example he thinks we spend LOADS of time together since the pandemic, what's he means is we both work from home. I don't count passing each other in the kitchen a few times a day as quality time, but that's seemingly enough for him. We don't eat together, he works really long hours, we don't do anything on weekends and we don't share a lot of similar likes either. Yet he's perfectly fine as we are.

Genuine question. Why did you marry him?

Not that it's particularly relevant, but how long have you been married? Because if this is your first wedding anniversary, I think that's bloody appalling!

No for our first I planned a city break, but we're still below the 5y marker.

I married him because I thought we made a good team and I enjoyed spending time with him. We are both quite driven but tbh I've found myself less career motivated esp in the last few years whereas he is very much still defined by his work.

We don't eat together, he works really long hours, we don't do anything on weekends and we don't share a lot of similar likes either.

So where are the good parts of your marriage?
Is any of it living up to what you envisaged married life to be?

Yet he's perfectly fine as we are.

But you are not.
Have you told him this - plainly, calmly, delivered as a specific message?

This reminds me of two things:

The saying that “Women marry men hoping they can change them, and men marry women hoping the woman won’t change. Both are disappointed.”

The other thing is the book about the Five Love Languages. It’s interesting and talks about how people show their love isn’t necessarily how we want it to be shown.

Other than that, doing nothing at all for a wedding anniversary is pretty shit.

Yeah we're totally opposite love languages Shag. I tried to get him to do the quiz and he thought it was stupid. We DID go for a meal, I just found his comments soured the experience. Like it was a chore for him or I was honoured to have his precious time.

Good to hear I'm not grabby by wanting a bit of an effort on the day.

OK. This is not about the anniversary.

This is about whether you are still arevteam who make each other happy