To ask those that have separated- what do you wish

[Dejasue]

AIBU to ask those that have separated /divorced what they wish they’d done differently in the lead up or during the separation divorce?

Think my mind is made up my husband and I need to go out separate ways

I’m debating toughing it out till after exams, it’s a big exam year for my son.

What things do you wish you’d done? Preparations you wish you’d made? Discussions you wish you’d had? Any words of wisdom you have for me during this time

Protect your finances before the split.

If you can wait it out please do. MIL left FIL just before DH'S a levels and sisters o levels.

It's a well used phrase but - the man you married isnt the man you divorce. Assume nothing about him being honest or decent about finances I've met one man in my 40 odd years on this planet who has been fair.

Really had full on no holds barred conversations with a good counsellor.

There's s book on Amazon called Ladies Who leave, you can get it for the Kindle. It's written by an ex divorce lawyer and covers a lot of the things you need to know and do and what you can do yourself rather than need a solicitor for

sold the family home and got it done with

ExG lives in it and it's painful

Sort realistic finances and child visitation

Wish I’d done it a lot sooner , he instigated it and I hoped he’d change his mind , now I look at him like a total stranger and regret the years of my life I wasted on him

Save some money to fall back on. My sister left her husband (a high flying banker) and went from having a lavish lifestyle to now being dependent on benefits and begging and borrowing. The ExH managed to hide his money in offshore accounts so my sister couldn't get her hands on it. He didn't give a damn about their 3 kids and wanted to punish her so much because she left this abusive man. She trusted him so much during their 15 years together and didn't think to have her own finances. She's now paying the price for her naivety.

Yup another here for the running away fund.
Be realistic about the cost of raising your children as the resident parent and base your CM on that.

Set firm boundaries. We had an amicable split but it has since become clear what an actual dickhead he is and that I don’t want him involved in my life. But five years post-split he still turns up at my house whenever he feels like it, walks on without knocking and tells me what to do in my own house! Sometimes I feel like we’re still married but in separate houses.

I was v well advised by a lovely wise relative.

The one piece of advice she gave that I stupidly ignored was that he was no longer a friend!

I told/showed him certain thoughts/emotions I now regret

Wish I'd been quicker to ask her for advice! By the time I did he'd already emptied the joint accounts, taken the car without my agreement and taken certain valuables from the home when I was out!

But that was all less than a week after I kicked him out and my head was spinning.

Thanks everyone, that’s all really helpful! finanicially I earn more than him now but he has a much better pension we’ve always planned on relying on , children are 16 and 20 and will both be at school/ uni probably for a while.