I just went to grieve!!!!

[Jinnybean]

I’m so fu**ed off.

My dad died 10 days ago. I’m 31 and now have no parents. I have not had chance to grieve. I swear my husband thinks I should be over it. I can’t remember the last time he proper hugged me. My kids are still bickering, I’m still having to do two school runs a day, cook dinner, baths, snd put the youngest to bed every night. On top of they were bought a long waited puppy home the day he was rushed to hospital. I have so much on my mind.

I’m on medication for BPD which blocks out a lot of my emotions, so I struggle to cry. But my brain is hurting from all the pain. But I can’t let it out, and I don’t have anyone to let it out to. No one has really asked me how I am. I feel so fucking alone,

And to top it off my mental mother in law has just dropped loads of crap from her dads house that she can’t be arsed to sort out (like an old video player, 5 remote controls etc) so wants us to.

I feel like I’m in a dream, snd it’s not real. I’m going to go and see him on Saturday just to make me realise this is real.

I just want to be looked after. I’m sick of looking after everyone else.

I’m so sorry to hear this and I really remember that feeling from when I was grieving and trying to look after little kids too. My only advice would be to sit your DH down tonight when your kids are in bed and just tell him all this. You might look like you are coping to him and he doesn’t want to bring it up and upset you. Just tell him exactly what you want - hug, cup of tea, lie in tomorrow or he makes dinner. Whatever would make you feel better.

Also is there anyone else you can call who is more distanced from the situation? A friend who you can offload to a bit?

Sending love

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father, and for the situation you're in where no one is prioritising your needs.

Is your husband usually unsupportive? Can you talk to him and tell him that he's letting you down?

I am so sorry you are enduring this.

My DM died in a July. I am absolutely not over it yet. Not at all. 10 days is nothing. You need time to grieve and you need space for that. Physical and emotional space. I am really sorry you are not getting it.

I do not know what the answer is. But you have a hand hold from me. And, if it’s helpful, you are in my prayers/thoughts.

He’s normally really good, but he doesn’t cope well with his emotions so closes off and shuts down. Iv tried telling him how I feel, but it makes no difference.

Have you tried @Drivingmisspotty idea of telling him what practical specific things would help you? So asking him to do the school runs, dinner, bath and bedtimes for a few days?

Do you have any support for your BPD beyond the medication? Counsellor or similar? Could you reach out to them as someone you could talk to about the situation?

Hi Jinnybean,

We're just getting in touch as we saw your recent post on site, and we wanted to say how very sorry we are to hear about your Dad.

We can see that Mumsnetters have offered you support on the forums, but we also just wanted to let you know about some organisations just in case they may be of use to you:

Cruse Bereavement Care offer support with grief, including an online chat service www.cruse.org.uk/
The Good Grief Trust also offer support and advice - www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/
Again, we are very sorry about your loss, and we do hope that your fellow Mumsnetters can offer you some comfort.

With very best wishes,
MNHQ

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ask your h to do practical things for you so you have the chance to think, go for a walk, breathe.

Can you call a friend? Do you have anyone else to talk to if h isn't any good with emotions?

I'm so sorry to hear this and it's the hardest thing. I don't think you over get over it - you just learn to build your life around it. I think you should tell your DH what you need from him. 10 days is nothing and you need time to process this. It must be such a shock.

I'm so sorry for your loss. And for having lost your mum too. It's very young to have lost both your parents and it's not something you get over in 10 days. Perhaps you could reach out to Samaritans or a grief support charity? Your local church might also have help on offer (I'm not Christian but know churches fill many roles these days).

You deserve to be looked after and I hope your husband can step up and do this - even if he struggles with emotions he can do the practical stuff and give you a break.

Take care

Put all your MILs crap in black bags and chuck in the garage/shed or wherever, your DH can sort it out later.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think because you are 'managing' 'getting by' he's assuming you are ok. You are not showing your distress in the way some people would expect, so you have to show it in another way.

You could tell your husband he needs to do all child related tasks, for example.

You could stay in bed, and take time to process what has happened.
You could take to the sofa with a blanket and hot water bottle and ignore everyone.

In an ideal world, he'd understand how you feel and behave accordingly. He doesn't so you need to find a way to tell him. Words may not do it, actions may work better.

Sorry for your loss

I lost my mum 10 days ago, and am a bit all over the place. It is really hard

Be kind to yourself, especially if nobody else is, and take shortcuts where you can (frozen TV dinners, or just cheese toastjes. Kids can bathe themselves or DH can do it, or they can skip bath time every now and then. Random crap from MIL can wait.

Also tell your DH to step it up with the care towards house, puppy and kids for a bit

It’s hard

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and yours Marlene

I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

so sorry for your loss. It's so important to take care of yourself as pp have said and allow yourself as much time to grieve for your Dad as you need to. CRUSE can be a great source of support if they are in your area.

This may not help, but I remember really clearly howling at my husband that I was an orphan and I couldn't do normal anymore and he should just take care of the kids. I then spent the next couple of hours sobbing in a ball in bed. Was round about the ten day mark, dh had no clue about how to support in grief, by I think he just went downstairs and googled, he got much better.

Your whole world shifts on its axis, and yes to some extent routine tasks and caring for others works to a certain extent, but the early weeks and months are just a roller coaster.

How are you today OP?

Im so sorry to read this...

you need to speak up ... make your voice be heard ...

let yourself grieve 🌸

Good luck for tomorrow @Jinnybean thoughts are with you and a hand hold.

It's tough when you lose your parents whatever age you are, but losing both when you're so young and off the back of the pandemic, is extra tough.

I've been there and you do get through it in the end. Take all the help you can get, what's flagged by MNHQ, the local church, whatever's available, they won't mind if you're not religious, just people in the community who will listen will help.

DH needs to pick up the routine stuff and the puppy chores at the very least and you need quiet time and to cuddle your little ones.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, sweetheart. I lost both my parents young, too. It's so hard when you have small children and have too keep up with the daily grind but just want to curl up in bed and have someone smooth your hair. I'm sorry your husband isn't doing that for you. Mine didn't. I left him.

Just wanted to send hugs. I'm a decade older than you and lost my mum nearly 2 years ago and that's still nowhere near enough time to grieve (and my kids are older).
Be kind to yourself and really clearly explain to your dh what you need. It's shit if he doesn't automatically get it but that's not important right now, you are.
Take care