I don’t feel at home in my own home

[Tuby]

I moved 200 miles away from my home town 7 years ago.
I lived in rented accommodation until 3 years ago, when me and my partner bought this house.
Ever since we moved in I haven’t felt at ‘home’ here. It’s not homely to me.
I grew up in a southern town, in a terraced house with garden, you came in through the front door to a hallway, then the first room on the left hand side was the living room/lounge, the next room was the dining room then the kitchen, conservatory and garden. Upstairs (stairs leading up from front door and hallway) bathroom, then three bedrooms.
I grew up in this house and it was very cosy and homely to me,

The house I’m in now is a terrace in a northern market town. It’s in quite a rural setting, but the actual set up of the house doesn’t feel like home at all.
You walk in through the front door, straight into the living room/main room, there’s a tiny area to hang coats and shoes etc, then you walk straight through to the kitchen, there’s no hallway.
The stairs lead up from the kitchen onto the first floor (its a tall and thin house) which has the large master bedroom and next door to that is the bathroom, then you go up another flight of stairs and it’s the attic conversion rooms, our son’s room and the spare room.
The house is old (Victorian) so is cold and echoey. I hate the set up of it. I want all the bedrooms to be on one level, and i’d like to have a hallway and maybe a dining room or big kitchen.

I know I’m lucky that we have a mortgage, we can’t move as we’re not in a financial situation to do so at the moment.

It all feels so bleak and I hate it here. I cry regularly.

Genuine question, why did you buy this house OP? You obviously knew the layout before you bought it.

Sounds the same layout as my house. I bought it expecting the no-hallway to really irritate me but it doesn’t bother me anywhere near as much as I thought it would.

If it really makes you so miserable that you cry regularly, and your financial situation isn’t likely to change anytime soon, then it’s time to explore things which you can do in your current financial situation. You could downsize: if you have a spare room then you don’t necessarily need all the room you have. You could relocate to somewhere cheaper where the style of house you want is more affordable. Or, you could get onto Pinterest etc and look at clever ways of arranging furniture, using room dividers and so on to create a layout which feels more like home.

Or, are you sure the house isn’t just a red herring here, and other issues in your life (such as your poor financial circumstances and what causes them) aren’t actually the reasons you so upset? I can’t imagine a person with a a satisfactory life and other parts of their life in order would cry regularly because their bedrooms aren’t all on the same level.

I can't understand why you bought this house

However, I do agree with PP that it may well be that there is something else wrong, and it's less uncomfortable for you to blame everything on the house.

Lots of people fail to live in a house they absolutely love, but they aren't crying about it on a daily basis. What else is going on OP?

Harsh responses here, when the OP was possibly expecting empathy? Maybe this house was the only one in her price range?

I think where we live can really affect our emotions and the house we grew up influences where we would like to live ourselves. Personally, for example, I would hate to live in a new build, but would love to live in an Edwardian house (we can all dream). We ended up in a derelict Victorian terrace which needed extensive renovations, but which is home now.

All I can say is to make the house you are living in as your own. Your decor, your personal pieces such as pictures etc, your colour schemes. Eventually, when you move you will find you take it all with you, not physically, but the decor etc that defines who you are.

Four years ago I lived in a beautiful five bedroom detached house surrounded by huge gardens in a rural hamlet with my three children and dog. Now I live in a top floor council flat (which I adore), mostly by myself. I'm absolutely fine, my children moved away for uni, stuff happened, I built a new life, got a degree and a whole new career and things are on the up. A bit of a rambly way of saying the house isn't the problem here I don't think, it matters not a jot that the layout is different! What's really bothering you?

It sounds like to an extent you simply don't have as large a home as the one you grew up in, at this stage. It's hard to accept that.

It's also quite common for our generation, because housing has become less affordable - not enough new homes built and our parents generation have lived longer and continue to occupying larger homes. The wealth divide in the UK also means more people are simply worse off.

DH grew up in a huge house with a massive garden. Its taken him a while to get used to & accept our much smaller standard 80s estate house.

Ps I find it helps me to feel "at home" knowing that our house is the kids "home home" and that makes it feel like where I am supposed to be.

Op wouldn’t the kind of house you want cost more than you could afford ? Hallway, big kitchen/diner, rooms all on one level?

Well you could make it more homely and less bleak but your unusual level of distress sounds like there might be something else going on. Do you think you might be depressed? Is it the house that's the problem or the fact you miss your home town? You mention the south twice but the style of house you describe is found all over the place.

Most terraces in my southern town are like this. Lots if people build a front porch and use that for coats and shoes. Have you got scope to do that?

It's really hard moving away from a town that was “home”, and it can take a long time to get properly settled. Is it just the house that you don't like, or the entire area?

I've lived in a house I didn't like and it is hard. We decorated etc but it still never felt 'right' so I can sympathise. It does sound like you miss your home town / area. If you really really can't move then are there things you can change to make it more 'yours'? Build a porch so you've somewhere for coats and shoes and then you're not stepping straight into your living room. Or reframe how you think about it, does your DC like it, like their loft conversion bedroom? If they do then maybe it feels like their home and that could help your thinking.

Is it more to do with the fact you're living up north ?

Don't despair OP there are things you can do to make it more homely and make it more yours! Why not post a couple of pics and get some ideas off us to help?

Op was your rental accommodation bigger than your current home? Did you cry there too or is it since you moved to this house?

Crying regularly and feeling bleak could be a sign of mental illness, depression for example, I would maybe advise speaking to your gp. It could also be a sign something else is wrong and your focusing on the house, when generally you’re just very unhappy with your life.

Build a porch at the front so you have a barrier between the outside and the living room, or build an interior vestibule. I agree move coats etc to the rear of the house.
Decorate bright and cheerful and get in with living in it until you can sell and get what you really want.
That said, it does sound like it's more than the house bothering you.

You don't know what a house will be like til you've moved in. It's just luck if some people find something that suits at first try.

Just try to find something else

It's a vendor's market at the moment, why don't you sell and look for the sort of terrace you grew up in. They do exist in the North too, you might need to move to a different town.