Depressed husband

Transcent · 2021-10-06T15:01:07+00:00

I work full time, it's a very physical job with long shifts. My DH hasn't worked for about 5 years, (he left a stressful job during a very stressful, horrible time of our lives as we struggled with infertility) and I'd say is now depressed. I keep hoping he'll get better and be himself again :( He has low energy and no motivation. There's lots that needs doing in the house but he always has a reason he hasn't had time/energy to do them - and frankly I'm too knackered from work to start DIY. I do 90% of the cooking and 80% of other chores. I do all the life admin as DH struggles with organisation, much more so recently. He refuses to see a Dr, and says he just needs me. He has no friends or hobbies; he sticks to me like glue when I'm home, wants to do whatever I'm doing. I know depression is bloody awful and I'm always patient and encouraging with him, he's a good, kind, loving man. But I'm suffocating and I don't know what more I can do to help him get out of the hole he's in? Has anyone been through similar? AIBU to think I can't be his only support or am I being selfish wanting space and him to try to do more?

Teacupsandtoast · 06/10/2021 16:03

He either sorts himself out or you leave. 5 years?? 5 years of doing EVERYTHING while he mopes at home? Book him a doctors phone appointment for a day you are off and tell him he HAS to speak to the doctor because this cannot continue

Original poster

Transcent · 06/10/2021 16:10

@Teacupsandtoast

He either sorts himself out or you leave. 5 years?? 5 years of doing EVERYTHING while he mopes at home? Book him a doctors phone appointment for a day you are off and tell him he HAS to speak to the doctor because this cannot continue

Thank you for your post - logically I know you're right and I could do that.

I'm just so worried I'll push him deeper into the hole he's in by forcing him to the GP, and a friend who worked in MH told me once that he needs to be the one to reach out for support as it's important he makes that first step himself. :(

I dread coming home now.

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 06/10/2021 16:19

Don't sacrifice your own mental and physical health for the sake of his. I can't believe you've tolerated this for 5 years and it sounds like he doesn't want a solution, just to keep the status quo which is a life of riley with no responsibilities for him. Not so much for you

Teacupsandtoast · 06/10/2021 16:20

But you've waited 5 years.....if he hasn't deemed it important enough to sort after 5 years, he never will. He needs the shove - and it it pushes him down a hole, that's not your responsibility. If he wants to miserable forever, fine, but your life shouldn't be ruined in the process

BlueSuffragette · 06/10/2021 16:23

You can't change him, he has to want to change. You can change your own actions to make some improvements for you. He needs to understand that the current situation and doing nothing to help improve his situation is no longer an option. Good luck OP xx

Original poster

Transcent · 06/10/2021 16:23

@Justcallmebebes

Don't sacrifice your own mental and physical health for the sake of his. I can't believe you've tolerated this for 5 years and it sounds like he doesn't want a solution, just to keep the status quo which is a life of riley with no responsibilities for him. Not so much for you

It's my fault for taking all the responsibility off his shoulders - I wish I could turn the clock back and encourage him to do more rather than saying 'I'll handle it, please don't worry'.

My instinct has been to take stress off him but it's caused him to have zero confidence. :(

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Notgettingbetter · 06/10/2021 16:26

I have severe depression and I would never treat my partner like this. He must go see the doctor and get some treatment, otherwise you should go ahead and leave him, completely guilt-free. Good luck!

EnidFrighten · 06/10/2021 16:28

Tell him you can't go on like this.

If he won't go to the doctor, he needs to do all he can to manage depression a bit through lifestyle. Set him goals of going for a walk each day, eating 5 a day, going to bed at a reasonable time etc.

Then make a schedule for handing over bits of the house stuff to him. A chore a day while you are out and build up. If he can't manage to do that then he has to go to the doctor. If he won't do that then you separate.

Tell him he needs to try or your relationship will be over. This is no way to live. Depression is horrible but he is doing nothing to change and it's wasting years of your life. It's wasting years of his life too. You're enabling it.

Original poster

Transcent · 06/10/2021 16:38

@EnidFrighten

Tell him you can't go on like this.

If he won't go to the doctor, he needs to do all he can to manage depression a bit through lifestyle. Set him goals of going for a walk each day, eating 5 a day, going to bed at a reasonable time etc.

Then make a schedule for handing over bits of the house stuff to him. A chore a day while you are out and build up. If he can't manage to do that then he has to go to the doctor. If he won't do that then you separate.

Tell him he needs to try or your relationship will be over. This is no way to live. Depression is horrible but he is doing nothing to change and it's wasting years of your life. It's wasting years of his life too. You're enabling it.

This is true - I am enabling it.

That's so helpful, thank you, I think he'd respond well if I suggested we write some lifestyle tasks/schedule, generally anything I specifically ask him to do, he will do (eventually) - it's just doing anything via his own motivation that's the issue.

He gets overwhelmed easily so I could help him focus, work with him to write a list.

I just know that working again, even part time, would be amazing for him, he'd be able to get out, see others, get his confidence back. Just need to figure out the small steps to help him get there.

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CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/10/2021 16:44

He refuses to see a Dr, and says he just needs me. He has no friends or hobbies; he sticks to me like glue when I'm home, wants to do whatever I'm doing. That aded to the patial advice your friend gave you has added up to you being emotionaly blackmailed into accepting this as your lot.

It is not!

He gets overwhelmed easily so I could help him focus, work with him to write a list No, don't. That's more enabling. He doesn't get overwhelmed easily. Depressed or not he finds it easier to leave it all to you. And you oblige!

As is you sitting down to work out the small steps he needs to take.

Whatver his reasons he needs to do soemthing different and it is absolutely fine for you to tell him so and to demand action.You are nto a GP or a psychologist so, unless you want to add those jobs to you other list, banker, housing officer, chef, PA etc, you can insist he seeks external help - starting with his GP, immediately.

No matter how much you love him you do not owe him your life!

peboh · 06/10/2021 16:53

Oh op. Living with someone with mental illness can be really difficult, however it isn't on you to try and fix them, or take the stresses off them. (I'm speaking as a person with mental illness)
He needs to get help. You are enabling his behaviours by just accepting that he needs you. You are becoming his crutch, and not only is that unhealthy for him, it's massively putting a strain on your own mental health.

You tell him that you cannot continue on like this, and he either gets the help he needs or you will leave him.

Justcallmebebes · 06/10/2021 16:58

I'm really sorry OP but your solution is to enable him more and take on the mental strain again by organising chores, compiling lists for him etc. Yoy need to give him an ultimatum to seek help and then back off. If he values you and your relationship he'll step up. If not he's not worthy of you

Tal45 · 06/10/2021 17:00

Could he do some volunteering to get his confidence back? So much less stressful than paid work I think.

Bluekangaroo123 · 06/10/2021 17:01

I’m sorry you are dealing with this OP. As others have said I would avoid organising him as this will just play in to the narrative that he isn’t capable. He needs to see the GP. If he receives treatment whether that is medication/ CBT or both he will be more likely to be able to take proactive steps himself.

FillyerBoots · 06/10/2021 17:27

You can't live his life for him.

My husband left work as he basically had a nervous breakdown. He spent a year out of work. The run up to that had worn me down. I got counselling (through work) to help me.

I was very clear with him that if he didn't get help and do all the things that help with depression I couldn't stay with him.

He went to the GP, he exercised, he stopped drinking (he didn't drink much but gave up completely), he made himself leave the house once a week to go and see a friend.

I loved that evening to myself.

I so resented having to do all the cleaning, shopping etc. But he just couldn't.

There was many times I thought of leaving, but I didn't because he was trying to do the right thing.

You can't let your life be taken over completely if he wont' do anything to change.

ChunkyMonkey17 · 06/10/2021 17:36

I have been there with my DH. I felt bad for him but am not willing to live in misery. I was happy for him to leave his stressful job but he had to have a plan to help himself to get better. He had counselling, went to doctor and was put on medication. He has gone back to work part time and is also working on a project that might lead to a better job situation. It’s not easy, he still gets depressed which is not his fault but he is trying. I work FT and sometimes resent the fact he doesn’t but he does do majority of housework/ child care. I sometimes wish we had more money but his mental health is more important.

However if he hadn’t been willing to make the effort I don’t think I would stay with him.

TimeForTeaAndG · 06/10/2021 17:55

Is he depressed or is it lethargy from doing nothing? Either way you cannot be his only support because that's not fair on you. He can't dictate that you are it.

Sit him down and tell him that things have to change because your mental health will suffer and neither of you will be functioning.

But don't do it for him. Be part of the process but he writes the list of tasks, you're not his secretary, and he decides the timeframes for their completion.

dutchessmom · 11/10/2021 23:02

You're right, you can't be his only support for one thing. Also, you need support as well, caregivers (emotional or physical ones) need support as much (or even more) the person they care for. I recently realized that I was dealing with something too, and my dh has been trying to help me for months, more than a year! Now that I am finally starting my journey, I see that he needs help too. In our case, he went to counseling before me ( I wasn't accepting I needed help nor that I have a problem). Sending you hugs and positive energy dear!

Doremisofarsogood · 11/10/2021 23:10

Ive been there with my DH (although he has worked throughout). It is so, so draining! Ultimately they do have to be the one to do something about it, but its more than fair for you to insist on it too. It's your life as well! I've got to the point where I was prepared to leave as DH just wasn't taking any action to even try to get better, I told him it's not fair on him, me or the kids. To be fair to him he made a big effort and has been better since. I've accepted that I need to tell him which house jobs need doing and he will happily do them (OK I didn't really want to be giving him instructions but if I don't, he doesn't do it). It works for us that way.
Don't forget that your DH has a responsibility to his family as well as himself, to at least try to get better. If he isn't prepared to do that then that's a difficult conversation to have but it needs to happen.
As other posters have said, please take care of yourself too. It takes a lot out of you, the constant worry, not knowing what mood he will be in, tiptoeing around, taking on the full mental load etc etc. Take time for you so that you can recharge. Hopefully your DH will get on board and start recovering. Look after yourself x