Is it awful to stop buying presents for DNs?

[PressieFatigue]

Name change for obvious reasons. Very controversial issue but I'd appreciate some advice.

SIL has 4 DC and is expecting her 5th. For the last decade she has had a baby every couple of years like clockwork. It feels like the gift giving parade never ceases; it's always someone's birthday or it's Christmas. They're very well spread out!

I used to pitch in with sorting cards and gifts but had to step away as we have been struggling to conceive for years and it's all just very upsetting for me.

DP is disorganised. He's like a headless chicken with these presents and cards. He doesn't want to give the eldest ones cash in a card because he wants to make an effort. Which is one of the things I love about him, but he always leaves things to the last minute and it's usually fine - but his luck has run out.

He just had a bit of a falling out with SIL because he missed one child's birthday. She has accused him of being selfish and not caring about her DC, etc.

We stopped doing adult presents a couple of years ago because it was just token gifts being exchanged. I was wondering if it would be awful to stop sending presents to the nieces and nephews too? The DC never go without, BIL and SIL spoil them rotten at every opportunity and of course the grandparents do too.

I'm probably being unreasonable, but just wanted to run this past the MN panel before broaching the issue with DP. I'm so sick of the stress and the aggro.

TIA x

[GetDrunkWithMe]

I'd just send cards.
It's different if you actually see them on the day of their birthday or Christmas you could get a small token gift.
£50 is ridiculous.

[Pythonista]

@TheTeenageYears

SIL didn't handle the situation well however she was probably just reacting to the disappointment of her child if they were of an age when they are aware of all their siblings getting gifts from their Uncle & Aunt. I completely understand why you have stepped away from this and now DH needs to find a system which works. Maybe he could sit down at the beginning of the year and write out all the birthday cards, put stamps on them and to one side with post it's of date to post. If they have bank accounts he could put an amount in to cover Christmas and birthday every year (would suggest a max of £20 per child per occasion) and then not have to think about it. With 5 DC there can't be much call for new things other than for the eldest so it would take a huge amount of mental strain for him to be able to buy something without direction from SIL, especially as you don't see much of them. The alternative would be an annual day out with the children but it doesn't sound like that would be an option at the moment.

If it was that (which I doubt - sounds like the kids get plenty of stuff), then ideal time to explain how expecting gifts is rude.

[Pythonista]

And even pre-planning requires a certain amount of effort. Give yourselves a break and leave them to it

[Christmas1988]

I’d be buying a bulk lot of cards at the beginning of the year and sticking £20 in each. No huge postage cost, no faffing but just a kind token thought.

[SpiderinaWingMirror]

Yanbu to delegate to dh. I did that when we had dd. Effectively that was very much that.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

I have (soon to be) three children. My cousin only has one.
I spend £20-30 on her child’s birthday and she spends £10 on mine. She usually gets them a joint Christmas present like a game to play together or a baking kit.
I think this is a reasonable compromise.

[Bargoed]

Expecting gifts off your uncle/brother who has always gifter your siblings/child is not rude ffs - it's family.

Not giving because they have kids and you don't is frankly selfish and horrid

Giving a smaller amount ie £10 per child because they have loads of kids and you have a budgets is very reasonable

[Cadent]

Yeah there’s no way you’re getting presents when you have kids. 🤣

Just do selection boxes or equivalent at the most with a card.

[VestaTilley]

Your SIL sounds grabby and demanding - but I think this would be mean to the children.

Unless the children don’t say thank you or are rude and ungrateful then I wouldn’t stop giving a gift, but make sure it’s not expensive if you can’t afford it, and leave it all to your DH - they’re his family, you don’t need to worry about it.

[Viviennemary]

After her tantrum I would certainly stop presents. I think its better to stop presents altogether than to give tat.

[blushmint]

Stop it.

Me and my dh were spending £50 on each child on his sisters kids birthday (5 of them) then 2 more came after we got married.. so another £100 spent.. then every time we visit/they visit. It's cultural to buy gifts.

Then I had my first child.
Suddenly SIL decided she didn't want to celebrate birthdays anymore, and started using religion excuses. Baring in mind after her, the only other sibling to have a child was my dh and me!

I was pissed off for a while because she secretly celebrates the other siblings birthdays but will ignore my dh.

Arseholes lot of them!

[Wilkolampshade]

This all makes me a bit sad, OP, you've been amazing to sort it out so far but a card and a tenner is fine, honestly.
FWIW, DH's extremely, and I mean EXTREMELY wealthy brother (even by MN standards) with whom he apparently has a normal relationship, sent birthday and Xmas cards rarely and presents even less often. One year my kids were so excited to get a parcel.. it contained two crappy bobble hats, one of which was too small. My kids noticed. It mattered. They don't think of him with any warmth now.
And it wasn't the lack of £££ spent. It was the lack of effort.

[aSofaNearYou]

Why do you need to officially stop it? Can't you just continue to let your DH (however dubiosly) sort it? Nothing wrong with that...

[Cadent]

@blushmint

Stop it.

Me and my dh were spending £50 on each child on his sisters kids birthday (5 of them) then 2 more came after we got married.. so another £100 spent.. then every time we visit/they visit. It's cultural to buy gifts.

Then I had my first child.
Suddenly SIL decided she didn't want to celebrate birthdays anymore, and started using religion excuses. Baring in mind after her, the only other sibling to have a child was my dh and me!

I was pissed off for a while because she secretly celebrates the other siblings birthdays but will ignore my dh.

Arseholes lot of them!

Guaranteed this will happen to OP.

People who complain about lack of presents aren’t forthcoming with presents themselves.

[aSofaNearYou]

Just to add though, definitely fine and sensible to spend less on them now there's lots of them, something small is fine.

[Dancingonmoonlight]

cynical me suspects a similar outcome here. I can't imagine they'll be allocating much of a budget for us when they have so many of their own to buy for. Assuming that we ever do actually have a child

I forgot to mention that after I had children (who were completely ignored), the family in question, moved to my childfree sister and started inviting her to their children’s big events! Both of us live 2-3 hours away from the family with kids. They couldn’t have been more obvious if they had tried!

[takingmytimeonmyride]

@Dancingonmoonlight

cynical me suspects a similar outcome here. I can't imagine they'll be allocating much of a budget for us when they have so many of their own to buy for. Assuming that we ever do actually have a child

I forgot to mention that after I had children (who were completely ignored), the family in question, moved to my childfree sister and started inviting her to their children’s big events! Both of us live 2-3 hours away from the family with kids. They couldn’t have been more obvious if they had tried!

My ILs also excluded my kids from family events too. Once their kids were over 18 the family meals out became for over 18s only. Once my oldest was 18 it was over 21s (except for BILs son who's a year younger than my oldest)

They'd have birthday and Christmas family get togethers, without us.

They wanted to do a family get together this summer but only 2 of my 5 wanted to go. Covid stopped it happening but I won't be making them if it happens next year (although most of them are adults now so I couldn't make them if I wanted to!)

[Mary46]

Hi op I have 8 nieces nephews. Kinda constant and sick of it. Nov has 5 birthdays. But I agree with posts bit mean to stop them. My son is 19 and working I told his aunts he doesnt expect anything but sure it keeps going!! Where does it end though..

[WhereIsMumHiding3]

I couldn't be doing with all this faff as you don't live near snd don't see your nieces and nephews much. I'd take a present if I was seeing them near their birthdays or a big birthday but otherwise , I'd do minimal fuss presents for birthdays to acknowledge them until they were 18. (And then a one off special 21st pressie)

Get your DH to put all their birthdays into his outlook calendar in his mobile and set up yearly reminders for the week before,

then he sends each child an Amazon gift card / voucher via SILs email address of £5 or £10 that says Dear Childsname Happy birthday love from Uncle and Auntie PressieFatigue

Voila = budget cut
Voila = no niece or nephew is forgotten
Voila = SIL can choose with the child what they'd like to use their gift voucher for

IME once DCs are 10, they always have their eye on something and prefer to buy their own or put it towards a bigger item.

If what they want isn't on Amazon, SIL can use it herself and give them the cash that she would have spent. But you can get pretty much everything on Amazon even sweeties boxes and chocolates.

[Pythonista]

And if you do presents for children only then Those without children are left forking out for everyone else's kids and they get Jack shit!

[Eralos]

Yabu

[Clovacloud]

My SIL has a similar number of children, and we stopped when she insisted we buy presents for her children, their boyfriends/girlfriends and then their children as well. Strangely I didn’t want to buy Christmas and Birthday presents for 15 people we never saw and never once thanked us or reciprocated. I don’t blame you for ending thing now at all. Send a card and have done.

[waterwaterwine]

I am planning on buying my 3 nieces until they are 21 after that I feel they will be making their own money. Mind you I don't even buy anything I send money in a card and they can buy whatever they like as they are teenagers now.

[woodhill]

We stop at 18 in our family, maybe then a token at 21

[LittleOwl153]

You can set up Amazon gift cards to send up to a year in advance. I appreciate he doesn't think that's personal but if he wants the kids to continue getting a present then maybe that's the answer you can find similar services such as "postable" for cards.

But I definitely think the budget can be reigned in...