Is it awful to stop buying presents for DNs?

[PressieFatigue]

Name change for obvious reasons. Very controversial issue but I'd appreciate some advice.

SIL has 4 DC and is expecting her 5th. For the last decade she has had a baby every couple of years like clockwork. It feels like the gift giving parade never ceases; it's always someone's birthday or it's Christmas. They're very well spread out!

I used to pitch in with sorting cards and gifts but had to step away as we have been struggling to conceive for years and it's all just very upsetting for me.

DP is disorganised. He's like a headless chicken with these presents and cards. He doesn't want to give the eldest ones cash in a card because he wants to make an effort. Which is one of the things I love about him, but he always leaves things to the last minute and it's usually fine - but his luck has run out.

He just had a bit of a falling out with SIL because he missed one child's birthday. She has accused him of being selfish and not caring about her DC, etc.

We stopped doing adult presents a couple of years ago because it was just token gifts being exchanged. I was wondering if it would be awful to stop sending presents to the nieces and nephews too? The DC never go without, BIL and SIL spoil them rotten at every opportunity and of course the grandparents do too.

I'm probably being unreasonable, but just wanted to run this past the MN panel before broaching the issue with DP. I'm so sick of the stress and the aggro.

TIA x

[1forAll74]

It can get all out of hand buying presents for lots of nephews and nieces. the parents of them, should not expect you to spend money all the time, and I expect all the children have more than enough already.

[ShipOfTheseus]

Your DH should buy for his own family if he wants to. But it’s odd to me to buy presents for nephews and nieces. My family and DH’s family have both never done that. Presents for children generally only come from their parents and grandparents.

[MimiDaisy11]

Why are you buying cards and gifts for your DH family?

She isn’t anymore: “I used to pitch in with sorting cards and gifts but had to step away”

[FluffyWhiteBird]

She's still carrying the emotional load though and needs to step away from that too.

[SudokuWillNotSaveYou]

I’ve just seen your follow-up. £300-400 per year?!? That’s an entire Christmas for a family! That DEFINITELY needs reining in, and if you’re not even close to them and don’t see them, then you’re not going to be able to give them some kind of special present that speaks to a personal connection. If you think DH will struggle to completely cut off, £20 voucher each for their birthdays which is very generous from a far away uncle providing for four nieces and nephews (NOT the baby - the baby does not need anything; so that’s £80), and then Christmas is a family board game bought during the year when it’s on sale and kept for Christmas and a nice chocolate advent calendar for them to share. That’s IT. The year should cost £100 tops. That’s still more than almost anyone I know would spend on their nieces and nephews but it will be a huge load off of what you’ve been doing so far. Good grief, no wonder you’re burned out. I’d be a bit miffed spending £400 a year on children I don’t even see or know!!!! That’s MADNESS.

[SudokuWillNotSaveYou]

And if he’s spending that much because his sister emotionally blackmails him… that needs reining in, too.

[BunnytheFriendlyDragon]

I don't think you're being unreasonable but you also don't need to spend so much. You could spend £20 or just give them money in a card since postage is an issue.

[Tilltheend99]

Spend less money on presents. Presents are not about the money spent. If you barely see them then acknowledging their birthdays is the most basic form of keeping in touch. I found it sad, especially moving into adulthood, knowing little about my uncles/aunts/cousins who lived to far away to have a proper relationship with. I have an uncle on the other side who lived far but always made the effort. Ultimately, not about money or presents but how close a relationship you want with your nieces. I think your difficulty conceiving (sorry about this ) had clouded your judgment of the whole issue.

[BritWifeInUSA]

I understand how you feel. We are childless-not-by-choice and at 47 and after over 20 years of all sorts of fertility treatment I have come to acceptance that it will never happen. We have 23 nieces and nephews (husband is one of 9 children and I am one of 5). It is upsetting but I wouldn’t stop buying gifts for them because I can’t have children. It’s not their fault. I enjoy giving them gifts and seeing their delight when they open them. I do it for the children, not our siblings.

You are not unreasonable to feel upset. You are not unreasonable to stop the gifts if you can no longer afford to buy for so many children. But you are unreasonable to stop buying gifts just because it upsets you that you don’t have children of because your SIL is greedy and selfish. Do it for the children.

[Tilltheend99]

I agree that a joint family Christmas present would be a good way to go.

[ElleEmDee]

Buy 5 cards , one for each child. Write inside then pop a 20 quid note in each one. Put a date a week before their birthday in small writing top right of envelope. Buy some stamps. Whenever that date comes round put a stamp over where you’ve written the date and post it.
Then maybe for Xmas a joint game for the whole family and chocolates like a PP suggested.

[TheLovelinessOfDemons]

@BurntO

So you just wouldn’t acknowledge their birthdays? Or you would just send a card? Seems a bit mean spirited, I can’t understand why you would do that. Because they had more children

It's not mean-spirited if you can't afford it.

[HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend]

It stops becoming a gift when it’s expected, for this reasons I’d stop and did so with my sisters daughters (nieces)

[ACNHMAMA]

@Northernlurker

Yes I think it's awful. The older children have had gifts for years and you want to pull the plug because their uncle, an adult, cannot keep track of dates and their aunt, an adult, finds other people's children upsetting. That's not really on is it?

If the situation was reversed would you honestly be chill with it?

This.

It's not hard FOR HIM to write the dates on a calendar on his phone and send a card out with a £10 voucher for the Entertainer, is it?!

DH and I have 8 siblings between us and 14 DN. Who on earth do we cope?!

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

Your DH should set up birthday reminders on a site like Moonpig or funky pidgin and send cards through that - that way he won't forget. Dial the presents down to token ones that he can pick from the same site if he's left it to the last minute. His sister is his responsibility and you really shouldn't be the one running around - if he sets up the reminders he's no reason for strategic incompetence not being able to do enough to mark their birthdays with a card and small token.

[ACNHMAMA]

**how

[RoseMartha]

For a long time my now exh and I couldn't have children while my sibling had many and would even apologise with a laugh when she got pregnant.
It was very painful and a pain I personally felt I could not show to others. Every time someone I knew got pregnant there was this pain. And while I was happy for them it took me some time to just get used to the idea and accept it.

I have a great relationship with my nephews and nieces and they are a big part of my life.

I want to give them gifts. I understand this is your husbands side of the family so slightly different to me. Growing up I had childless Aunties and Uncles and apart from asking my parents why and getting a brief but honest answer back we didnt dwell on it. It didnt matter to us, we loved them for who they were.

You have given the responsibility to your husband to help relieve that painful pressure. You could encourage him to put the dates on his phone calendar a week or so in advance and drop a verbal hint.

If money is an issue drop the amount you spend.

I since went on to have children (not in the conventional way), who are now teens.

There came a time when I came to terms with infertility but I also realised you never get over it. And they are two separate things.

When you are in the middle of it, its all you can think about. I know. I have been there. Take a breath and a moment and just think about how your husband and you want to be a part of their lives as they grow up.

It is not all about the gifts but it would be a shame to stop while they are children and teens.

[Upsielazy]

A card and a voucher is a good shout for birthdays, he can just write it on the calendar or set an alarm on his phone for the week before and post them. For Christmas you could get a joint gift, like a board game or a craft activity if you don't want to spend too much.

[Hardybloodyhar]

I have three DC and childless (or childfree) siblings. I do not expect gifts for my DC! Your SIL is grabby and setting a bad example for her DC by carrying on about this.
Get them a a bulk pack of funsize Mars bars and divvy it up. They should be grateful for what they get.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

With that many I’d just send a card for birthdays and some token chocolate at Christmas.

[MsTSwift]

I would be tempted to get them a board game or a big treat like a salmon or big cake for Christmas they can all share but not individual presents. Personally don’t think any more than two children are justifiable appreciate an unpopular view.

[londonrach]

Presents till 16 or 18 I'm afraid op. Put £5 in a card. Yabu re presents for neices and nephews...sending you lots of baby dust x

[farnworth]

If you feel you have to get gifts to keep the peace……

Card and Amazon voucher for birthdays, up to £20 - say you wanted them to have the fun of choosing something themselves. (If you don’t see them often, it’s very hard to work out what they actually might like. Or send £20 book tokens, can again buy in bulk. Say you want them to know the magic of reading real books…)
Get DH to buy them in bulk so he has a stash in house. Get him to even write cards in advance and put voucher inside, or preorder Amazon voucher to go on specific date.

Christmas send a joint fun gift for all the kids to share (but could send individual Christmas cards to each child) - such as popcorn maker or waffle maker or board game with sweet hamper. Will work out much cheaper and far less hassle.
And /or send cafod world gift - such as ‘The goat that gives’ (£28) or ‘Teach someone to read’ (£10) - again you can get the cards in advance. Maybe this type of gift might make the gift giving feel more meaningful and less of an expected commercial transaction!!

[25yearsnhsworker]

I would do a present between them such as a cinema voucher, board game or chocolate hamper (those choc bars on sticks look good)

[girlmom21]

Just stop spending so much. You don't need to spend £50 per child. £20 is more than enough for a good gift.