Is it awful to stop buying presents for DNs?

[PressieFatigue]

Name change for obvious reasons. Very controversial issue but I'd appreciate some advice.

SIL has 4 DC and is expecting her 5th. For the last decade she has had a baby every couple of years like clockwork. It feels like the gift giving parade never ceases; it's always someone's birthday or it's Christmas. They're very well spread out!

I used to pitch in with sorting cards and gifts but had to step away as we have been struggling to conceive for years and it's all just very upsetting for me.

DP is disorganised. He's like a headless chicken with these presents and cards. He doesn't want to give the eldest ones cash in a card because he wants to make an effort. Which is one of the things I love about him, but he always leaves things to the last minute and it's usually fine - but his luck has run out.

He just had a bit of a falling out with SIL because he missed one child's birthday. She has accused him of being selfish and not caring about her DC, etc.

We stopped doing adult presents a couple of years ago because it was just token gifts being exchanged. I was wondering if it would be awful to stop sending presents to the nieces and nephews too? The DC never go without, BIL and SIL spoil them rotten at every opportunity and of course the grandparents do too.

I'm probably being unreasonable, but just wanted to run this past the MN panel before broaching the issue with DP. I'm so sick of the stress and the aggro.

TIA x

[PermanentTemporary]

I would just do cash or vouchers in a card. I think stopping a token of affection to your DNs is quite cold, it's not their fault that this is such a strained interaction. Tbh I absolutely loved getting cash from my uncles and aunts as a child!

[rainraim]

I can't believe she had the audacity to have a go at her db for forgetting.
I think all this making a big deal of birthdays is ridiculous, so it for your own children, but the need to do it for everyone else is just too much.
I can't ever see myself be so entitled to have a fall out with my siblings if they don't gift my child on their birthday, it's not that big of a deal, I don't think it's anyone else's responsibility to spoil my kids on their special day. Especially when there's so many nephews and nieces it becomes too much. I would just stick to milestones.

[Mrgrinch]

I think she was very unreasonable to kick off about a forgotten gift.

Equally I think you'd be unreasonable to stop buying for them. £10 each is fine for a birthday and something a bit nicer for Christmas. Your comment about her having the babies like clockwork was mean and unnecessary.

[Brefugee]

Your DPs sister? let him take over. (There's another thread about wifework, here's a good example of how to pass it over)

He can buy the cards and bung a tenner (or whatever) in and that's it done. But I think for your own sanity you need to try to divide the never ending cycle of presents for your nieces/nephews from your ability to conceive. It is doubtful the SIL is doing this to get one over on you again and again just because she's mean. even though that is what it may feel like to you.

And whatever the outcome, that is just how it is.

[Sally872]

If you can't afford the presents reduce the budget per gift. If your dh can't be organised in time he has to accept cash in an card is ok sometimes. (Definitely better than nothing!)

I buy my 7 nieces and nephews gifts because acknowledging their birthday is important to me (my own sister's and my sister in laws children are equal to me).

Not buying gifts you can afford because there are too many children, or because you suspect they may not do the same for your child is not a good reason to me.

[Chocolatefreak]

Agree with @farnworth. A nice card - you can make one if you really want to show effort - and a book voucher, or perhaps even more usefully, a small transfer into their bank account? Doesn't have to be more than 10 or 20 quid but it all adds up. I think the relentless present buying is expensive, time consuming and wasteful - we all have enough stuff and I think it raises unrealistic expectations amongst children to have a continual stream of gifts.

[GoWalkabout]

Yes, I think it would be awful for hjm to stop acknowledging niece and nephew birthdays at all just because their mum has been rude and he forgot one time. But the key word is him. You are still taking the emotional load by being worried /cross /unsure about this and posting about it. He can set a moonpig reminder or something (don't actually have to use them) and send book tokens toy shop tokens or cash. This is for them, not sil. They don't need stuff or money they need to not be overlooked or not feel special because in a big family.

[Naunet]

Well on another thread this morning, there’s a man who is shit at getting birthday cards etc for his nephews and nieces, and on that thread people are saying it’s fine, some people just don’t do birthdays, aren’t bothered by them etc. So applying the same logic, yes, it’s fine for you to stop.

[Justilou1]

Time to do the Christmas and birthday charity present - Oxfam goat or something. They’ll soon get very sick of you.

[WeepySheepy]

@Justilou1

Time to do the Christmas and birthday charity present - Oxfam goat or something. They’ll soon get very sick of you.

Ooh twin the family loo for Xmas!

[Tal45]

Spending £50 a time on someone else's 5 children is completely unreasonable, my own don't get much more than that on their birthday!

DH needs to tell SIL he can't afford it anymore. Does he have a good relationship with the children? If he doesn't even see them or really know them and is just a cash cow then I'd see the falling out with SIL as a good way to put a stop to it all. If he does see then I'd put £10 or £20 in a card and take it round.

[takingmytimeonmyride]

I have 5 kids. My ILs, who all insisted presents for their kids till they were 18 decided to stop buying presents for my kids when the oldest was around 12 or 13.

I never expected them to spend loads of money, a shared box of chocolates at Christmas would make my kids very happy! But they stopped and didn't even bother with birthday cards or anything.

They would not have been happy if I'd done the same to them!

My kids don't really see them now. The lack of interest from what is really their only family is sad to me. (my sibling died when oldest was a toddler, my parents are dead. I have an aunt who lives 150 miles away who always sends them a card and a fiver though, which they are very grateful for)

[takingmytimeonmyride]

I have 5 kids. My ILs, who all insisted presents for their kids till they were 18 decided to stop buying presents for my kids when the oldest was around 12 or 13.

I never expected them to spend loads of money, a shared box of chocolates at Christmas would make my kids very happy! But they stopped and didn't even bother with birthday cards or anything.

They would not have been happy if I'd done the same to them!

My kids don't really see them now. The lack of interest from what is really their only family is sad to me. (my sibling died when oldest was a toddler, my parents are dead. I have an aunt who lives 150 miles away who always sends them a card and a fiver though, which they are very grateful for)

[WeepySheepy]

My ILs, who all insisted presents for their kids till they were 18 anyone who insisted on presents for their kids would get a box of biscuits to share on Xmas day and thats it.

[NailsNeedDoing]

I don’t think you should be obliged to get presents for every birthday when sil has chosen to have such a big family. It must be almost constant having to choose a card and a present and make sure it’s posted off in time, and all this for children who you barely see and who already have everything they could want.

I prefer to give the children in my family presents and treats when I actually see them.

[Nsky]

I have eight nieces/ nephews, one step nephew and one step niece, all 20/30s, £10 birthday, token amount!
No Christmas tho.
Along with cards for yours this seems reasonable, and affordable.

[girlmom21]

My ILs, who all insisted presents for their kids till they were 18 decided to stop buying presents for my kids when the oldest was around 12 or 13.

Funnily enough I have aunties and uncles who insisted on presents for their kids until they were 18 then stopped buying for my sister and I as soon as our brother was 18, but carried on for our much younger siblings.
People are weird

[montysma1]

I don't EXPECT gifts for my children from anybody.
When we recieve them we are greatful and delighted. But it's nobody else's job to provide gifts to my children. They are my children, not the responsibility of somebody else to buy stuff for.

[itsdrivingmecrazy]

I stopped buying for my sister children's birthdays. She has 3 dc, I have one. Her youngest is 3 years older than mine.
I bought generously for all of hers for every birthday and Christmas. She bought my dc a present for his first birthday and that was it.
She ignored the second (my dc's birthday is first in the year)
I gave her the benefit of the doubt and still bought for her 3.
The next year nothing again so I stopped.
She even asked them what they wanted and
Still didn't even send a card. So that was that for us.

Apologies for the essay. I felt my reason was valid. If you feel yours in then go ahead and do it, but I think you are being a little unfair. I understand your pain at not being able to conceive. I'm in the same boat and it's very painful, but it's not those children's fault.

[prettyteapotsplease]

In the next Christmas card you could write something like "let's just exchange cards rather than presents to lighten the load for us all. It sounds highly likely that she'll take offence but you must be firm on this and your DP must co-operate.
I did this with two relatives - one agreed as she's got a lot of cousins and was probably pleased but second acknowledged the request but has ignored it which is her choice which I find a little awkward.

[Pythonista]

That's a mad amount of money to be spending on them! You aren't responsible for their parents' choice to have a big family, especially as you are struggling at the moment.

There's every chance they will grow up grabby, given their mother's attitude. Time to stop this now.

[SylvanasWindrunner]

I never expect gifts for DD. Lovely when we get them but I'd certainly never be so rude about a missed card or present. Tbh I'm not sure I would notice the absence!

[80sMum]

We came to an agreement that we would stop buying presents for the adults and only buy for the children until they were 18.

That worked well for us and helped to keep costs manageable. I guess if you have a large extended family, it might be difficult.

[Bicnod]

You don't have to spend loads on them. Packet of sweets and a book will cost less than a fiver? Or literally just send a card with a bar of chocolate? It's just having a little something to open on their birthday/Christmas morning that says auntie and uncle are thinking of them/care about them.

[TheTeenageYears]

SIL didn't handle the situation well however she was probably just reacting to the disappointment of her child if they were of an age when they are aware of all their siblings getting gifts from their Uncle & Aunt. I completely understand why you have stepped away from this and now DH needs to find a system which works. Maybe he could sit down at the beginning of the year and write out all the birthday cards, put stamps on them and to one side with post it's of date to post. If they have bank accounts he could put an amount in to cover Christmas and birthday every year (would suggest a max of £20 per child per occasion) and then not have to think about it. With 5 DC there can't be much call for new things other than for the eldest so it would take a huge amount of mental strain for him to be able to buy something without direction from SIL, especially as you don't see much of them. The alternative would be an annual day out with the children but it doesn't sound like that would be an option at the moment.