To refuse to visit parents

[Winterbobble]

AIBU to refuse to visit my parents anymore when they make no effort to come and visit us 20 minutes away? We have a big house and DD has all her toys here. My parents in contrast are complete hoarders and I have a small child, who would not be safe to roam in their tiny but dangerous living room.

I feel so envious when I hear of doting grandparents taking their grandchildren out for the day/providing childcare. I have had zero help from my mother and it hurts. We have always had a very strained relationship ever since I was a child. Needed to get this off my chest. Anyone else feel this way? I think having a child has bought this into sharp focus.

Have you asked if they want to take her out?

Maybe you make your parents feel inadequate with all this talk of your big and their tiny house?

Have you invited them round?

Not easy. I never had help just had to manage. Can they drive could they call over. I always had call to mine.

You need to lower your expectations. There are many people who have parents who never help out with childcare - why would they when they have raised their own children? It would be nice if they came to your house instead of you going to theirs. How often do you invite them over and what excuses do they give not to come?

Maybe they don't want to impose and put further strain on an already strained relationship.
They may worry that they will get in the way and you won't want to see them anymore or allow them the little relationship with your dd that they have now if they overstep.
I think I'd ask them if they'd come over to spend time with you one day or invite them for lunch. See if it makes them feel more wanted.
If they don't take up your on offer then at least you've tried.
Do you have a partner who maybe they don't feel comfortable being around?

If their house isn’t safe for your child then definitely go there.

How often have you been seeing them? Do they ever phone, FaceTime? Or is it all on you and if you never got in touch you’d never hear from them?

If you want to maintain some contact could you meet at a park or a coffee shop?

@Helendee

Maybe you make your parents feel inadequate with all this talk of your big and their tiny house?

Helpful

Never had help from my DD’s grandparents and don’t hold that against them but we do both make the effort to see each other in each other’s homes and they very clearly love dd.