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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH phoning to chat in the day

49 replies

LittleBipper · 05/10/2021 16:15

DH works part time out of the house, I WFH part time and home educate DS.

We're also working on a new business that should eventually replace what we each do at the moment.

DH doesn't like his job and phones me when he gets the opportunity to talk about whatever's on his mind.

He also moans that I don't do enough housework, the cats don't get played with enough, and the new business isn't progressing fast enough.

AIBU to say that if you don't like it just stick to quick phone calls to ask me to do urgent tasks, not long chats?

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 05/10/2021 17:29

Driving a HGV while using his phone would concern me. Isnt he a danger to other road users at that point?

But if youre certain he isnt controlling, and he is in fact just bored, what would happen if you didnt answer the phone?

icedcoffees · 05/10/2021 17:33

He can't do any of those, he's an HGV driver. It's podcasts, Radio 4 or phoning me basically!

He shouldn't be on the phone at all if he's driving - hands-free or not, it's dangerous.

Tell him to buy himself an Audible subscription and listen to some books instead. And stop making excuses for him and answering the phone.

The more you post, the worse he sounds.

Original poster
LittleBipper · 05/10/2021 17:39

@suspiria777

Would you be happy if you sent your child to school and his teacher was having long phone calls with their spouse during class time? No? Then stop taking your husband's calls when you're simultaneously working from home, teaching your child, setting up another business and doing all the housework -- what sounds like the equivalent of TWO full time workloads.
(Finally worked out quoting)

TBF I've told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms when he's phoned in the time DS is sitting at the table doing academic stuff (routine is 9-12 DS gets undivided attention) but he thinks before and after is fair game.

I have no idea if it's reasonable to expect to chat to your partner during the day. I'm quite pleased that the consensus on this thread is that it's not, but DH would say I'm the controlling one because I expect to know what myself and DS are doing at (for example) 2pm.

I don't do all the housework, far from it, but if there's 45 minutes to do to keep the place sanitary then that's the first thing I fuck off if he's been bending my ear for 45 minutes.

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 05/10/2021 17:46

DH would say I'm the controlling one because I expect to know what myself and DS are doing at (for example) 2pm
He says you ate controlling because you expect to know what you are doing at any given time? I dont get that at all. Sounds like a nonsense way to divert you attention away from his behaviour.

If you didnt answer the phone tomorrow, what would he do?

Original poster
LittleBipper · 05/10/2021 17:51

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

DH would say I'm the controlling one because I expect to know what myself and DS are doing at (for example) 2pm He says you ate controlling because you expect to know what you are doing at any given time? I dont get that at all. Sounds like a nonsense way to divert you attention away from his behaviour.

If you didnt answer the phone tomorrow, what would he do?

He'd be all sad 🙄
OP posts:
Original poster
LittleBipper · 05/10/2021 17:55

I've worked in an office with other people for about nine months tops and I'm 40, he never has so I don't think any of us knows what's normal.

OP posts:
Thatsjustwhatithink · 05/10/2021 17:58

He sounds like a complete fruitcake

icedcoffees · 05/10/2021 18:04

@LittleBipper

I've worked in an office with other people for about nine months tops and I'm 40, he never has so I don't think any of us knows what's normal.
I've never worked in an office either, and neither has DH.

We still both manage to understand that you don't ring from work and complain to your partner that they're not doing enough housework Hmm

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 05/10/2021 18:07

He doesn't need to ring you every day and talk to you for ages. If you find his phone calls overly long, upsetting or annoying just text him back "busy can't talk" if you want to reply. I ignore calls when I'm busy unless it's an emergency

You're working at home, looking after DC and home educating them. It's not your job to entertain DH who is at work as well nor act as a home PA to him.

LannieDuck · 05/10/2021 18:19

You work PT and do 100% homeschooling and 50% housework.
He works PT and does 50% housework.

How is that fair?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/10/2021 18:21

My ex used to do this. I think he wanted to know what I was doing all the time. It was annoying and controlling

Rainbowsew · 05/10/2021 18:23

Ignore the phone ...

Locametive · 05/10/2021 18:29

Against the grain here but I don't see how it's controlling.

He's bored while he drives and fancies offloading onto you to make his day less boring. He's also got time to overthink, so that's why the crap about the cats and his frustration about your project comes out. I'd find this really negative and annoying!

Let him be sad - tell him you can't talk in the day, you're busy!

Original poster
LittleBipper · 05/10/2021 18:32

@LannieDuck

You work PT and do 100% homeschooling and 50% housework. He works PT and does 50% housework.

How is that fair?

Housework is 50:50 Home ed 75% me, 25% him Paid work is 75% him 25% me

DH is supposed to be teaching himself the skills I have, hence the part time work, but he's noodling a bit. On his days off I have DS in the morning and him in the afternoon

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icedcoffees · 05/10/2021 18:36

Against the grain here but I don't see how it's controlling.

Because it's an easy way for him to check up on them. If she doesn't answer, he can "sulk" and make her feel guilty so she answers the next time he rings.

MinesAPintOfTea · 05/10/2021 18:42

Is he ringing you while driving? Or while sat waiting? If the former I would be far more concerned about safety than intrusion!

He shouldn’t be on his phone being the wheel of a vehicle. Audiobooks if he needs something to stop him being bored.

LannieDuck · 05/10/2021 19:04

Housework is 50:50
Home ed 75% me, 25% him
Paid work is 75% him 25% me

Fair enough thumbs up

Original poster
LittleBipper · 05/10/2021 19:36

@MinesAPintOfTea

Is he ringing you while driving? Or while sat waiting? If the former I would be far more concerned about safety than intrusion!

He shouldn’t be on his phone being the wheel of a vehicle. Audiobooks if he needs something to stop him being bored.

Both, I would have thought hands free is fine but I don't drive.

The cats (6 month kittens) are up the bloody curtains, I think he thinks they wouldn't do it if they were rousted about more (to my mind they get plenty of interaction, they insist on it)

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 05/10/2021 19:38

Put him on speak phone and carry on with what you are doing? That's what I do with my mother who thinks I need to entertain her.

Can you have set hours that you work as well as homeschool? And include in that time anything you can't do whilst tlaking to him.

mistermagpie · 05/10/2021 20:02

My DH is very chatty and often phoned me during the day if he's driving. It got to the point where I ended up being out and out rude because I was so fed up ('what do you want now?!' type of thing). I don't know why I didn't just tell him to stop...

Then I did. And he did.

Can't you do that? Actually tell him how it makes you feel?

Or, on the other hand, just ignore the phone?

Skyla2005 · 05/10/2021 20:10

Don't answer the phone

MinesAPintOfTea · 05/10/2021 20:19

Not a hgv driver, but for my company it’sa disciplinary offence to be on the phone while driving. Statistically about four times more likely to have a crash while on hands free. He needs to concentrate on the road...

Original poster
LittleBipper · 05/10/2021 20:20

I do tell him, and he backs off for a few months then it gradually creeps back again. We had an argument earlier because he said I was rude and I said he was bloody rude and I've got better things to do than entertain him

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Original poster
LittleBipper · 05/10/2021 20:23

Well if it's dangerous even on hands free that's even more reason for me to tell him to back off. He needs to take calls from his boss, but he's not musing on his dinner or Brexit and infinitum to him!

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