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Original poster

About my parents anniversary

16 replies

FlyingDandelions · 04/10/2021 23:03

Growing up my parents never mentioned their wedding, there were no photos of it or anything like that. They also never celebrated their anniversary or mentioned the date.

My siblings and I are now adults, and recently my parents got upset because apparently it was a 'round number'/'big' anniversary and none of us did or said anything. Because none of us had a clue.

I suppose I could have asked them their anniversary at some point during the years but it never occurred to me to do so, they never so much as bought each other a card that we knew of, so I guess we just assumed that it wasn't a big deal to them.

We've always made a fuss of them for birthdays/mothers and fathers day etc, so I hope they don't feel generally neglected.

They didn't mention/do anything for my wedding anniversaries, and nor would I have expected them to (the only person who I would expect to remember is DH!).

Aibu for thinking if you want family to celebrate your anniversary you should mention the date to them? Or should adult children be expected to find out your anniversary even if you don't tell them?

OP posts:
SinoohXaenaHide · 04/10/2021 23:06

Yanbu - and when it's a big number, the couple arrange the party themselves, they don't expect others to do if for them. My parents started planning their big anniversary bash 2 years before the date in question.

IsDaveThere · 04/10/2021 23:09

I find it a bit odd that you don't know when your parents got married. I would have asked at some point of my life, failing that I would have looked it up on the internet just to make sure that they were actually married!

Original poster
FlyingDandelions · 04/10/2021 23:20

@IsDaveThere

I find it a bit odd that you don't know when your parents got married. I would have asked at some point of my life, failing that I would have looked it up on the internet just to make sure that they were actually married!
Well, I guess that's part of why I'm posting, really. Is it odd? It didn't seem odd to us because that was our normal!

You say you 'would' have asked, so presumably you didn't need to as they told you. I just can't imagine it suddenly popping into my head, 'hm, better check when my parents got married'. When would that have seemed relevant? Can you even look up marriages on the internet without having the date?

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 04/10/2021 23:30

It's a bit strange that you have never been shown any pictures or there have never been any stories about it. Not odd that you didn't organize anything as you had no idea. I think I would have assumed that they weren't actually married.

poullou · 04/10/2021 23:47

YANBU. DH's family don't celebrate anything except Christmas.

When we got together, I convinced him to acknowledge his parents birthdays. We did it for 3 years even though his parents never reciprocated on our birthdays so we figured they weren't into it and stopped. His parents got the hump with us when we didn't give FIL a present for his next birthday. We still don't do birthdays with his family.

I don't mean to be rude but is it possible your mum was pregnant when they got married and didn't want to highlight the date of their wedding if it was 4 or 5 months before their oldest child's birth. Wouldn't matter now obviously but 40/50 years ago might have been a bit of a scandal.

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/10/2021 23:52

@poullou

YANBU. DH's family don't celebrate anything except Christmas.

When we got together, I convinced him to acknowledge his parents birthdays. We did it for 3 years even though his parents never reciprocated on our birthdays so we figured they weren't into it and stopped. His parents got the hump with us when we didn't give FIL a present for his next birthday. We still don't do birthdays with his family.

I don't mean to be rude but is it possible your mum was pregnant when they got married and didn't want to highlight the date of their wedding if it was 4 or 5 months before their oldest child's birth. Wouldn't matter now obviously but 40/50 years ago might have been a bit of a scandal.

Oh you could be on to something. I have my great granny's wedding band inscribed with the date of her wedding...about 6 months before my granny was born.
YourFinestPantaloons · 04/10/2021 23:56

I have to say I never understood why other people - especially those who weren't even born on the wedding day - have to give two fucks about someone else's wedding anniversary. Let's all make a collective effort to do away with that nonsense. It's for a couple to enjoy not outsiders.

5foot5 · 05/10/2021 00:02

I do find it very hard to believe you had no idea at all of your parents wedding day. The fact that they are a bit upset you didn't notice it was a big number suggests to me that they have not kept it secret as such but have not made a big deal of it before. And you and your siblings have been to self absorbed to ever notice or give it any thought.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/10/2021 00:03

My Mother was marrued twice - same day for both weddings,
When I was about 14/15 she made a huge fuss of wanting to celebrate her silver wedding (to the first husband)
After my father died, found the wedding certificate and discovered my parents actually married a year later than they'd always claimed Hmm

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 05/10/2021 00:04

I think it's a bit weird it didn't come up at the point that you got married, even if it hadn't before!

Original poster
FlyingDandelions · 05/10/2021 00:17

It definitely isn't a 'big secret', and oldest sibling was born a year and a half later as it turns out.

I certainly never thought they were lying about being husband and wife! Do you suspect that of every couple whose wedding date you don't know?!

Thinking about it they never celebrated Valentine's Day either, so I think I just got the impression that they just didn't 'do' coupley celebrations.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyingDandelions · 05/10/2021 00:34

@PolkadotsAndMoonbeams

I think it's a bit weird it didn't come up at the point that you got married, even if it hadn't before!
Oh no, now I'm worried my whole family is odd! I can't imagine how that would have brought up the date at all?

"Hi, mum we've picked 7th November for our wedding date!"
"Wonderful darling, by the way I married your father on the 22nd March 1971..."

I just can't picture it. My mum did mention they got married in a church at my grandparents insistence, which surprised me as I always assumed it was a registry office wedding (my parents are staunch atheists).

OP posts:
CourgetteGlutTony · 05/10/2021 00:39

Only my late parents ever remembered my wedding anniversary; DH & I never do (although DH has it as his memorable date on his internet banking, he can never remember which year).
I don’t think my adult children know when it is, and I’d never expect them to send a card or arrange anything to mark the occasion

Allywill · 05/10/2021 01:01

A big anniversary like 50 or 60 years I would expect to be a family celebration and wouldn’t really expect the couple to arrange something by themselves I mean they could well be quite old at that point. My husband and I had our 25th anniversary in 2019 and organised that ourselves but we are in our 50s. If we get to a diamond we will be 86 and we married relatively young by today’s standards. Also agree it does seem odd it never came up even in a “how old were you when you got married” sort of a question.

YourFinestPantaloons · 05/10/2021 01:04

"Hi, mum we've picked 7th November for our wedding date!""
Wonderful darling, by the way I married your father on the 22nd March 1971..."

Lol! I was thinking exactly the same, why on earth would they mention their anniversary when you were planning your wedding Confused never knew my parents' anniversary, either when they were together or when they remarried other people.

Graphista · 05/10/2021 01:18

My parents "fudged" on the year then when a milestone one hit when I was a teen it all came out!

Reason? You can probably guess! Me basically Grin cos I was born less than 9 months after they married! And they didn't want to advertise that

But I always knew the date - day and month I find it odd you wouldn't at least know that

But yea if they've massively downplayed they can't really moan that you're not all psychic!

Funnily enough it recently transpired dd had no idea when her dad and I married!

Some of my friends that married the same year have been celebrating their milestone anniversaries and there's been stuff on Facebook, much Mickey taking of old photos etc and so she noticed and it led to a conversation. I though she knew but then we've been divorced since before she formed real memories so not that surprising. But it then occurred to her she couldn't remember his anniversary with step mum and she'd been at that wedding as an older bridesmaid! She could remember the wedding, that it was quite a chilly day so she figured autumn but she couldn't remember the date. Weirdly I did mainly as it was a faff to organise her being there to be bridesmaid!

My mum always remembers my old anniversary as by pure chance we'd chosen the date that was her beloved grans birthday (a great gran I never knew) just a funny coincidence.

But yea considering how they've played it they're being weird

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