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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I facilitate 1:1 time for ex with each dc, or is it his responsibility to arrange this?

25 replies

IkeaMoon · 04/10/2021 21:58

Trying to thrash out a contact agreement with ex. 4dc, I've offered EOW, he says he can only afford to see them once a month, but he also wants me to facilitate him having 1:1 time with each of them.

We live in different towns, monthly contact would be in his town, but he is suggesting this 1:1 contact in my town and saying he'd come and stay in my town for the weekend for it.

Thing is - he has done this once before and it was awful, I ended up having to call police due to his harassing behaviour. There is a history of DV and I won't have him at or outside my house so I have to take the dc to him (they're too young to make their own way). In order to facilitate 1:1 time for him and each dc I'd have to bring them all along to handover one dc, then bring them all along again to collect/swap over etc several times over the weekend. I know the other dc would be upset by all the upheaval - they find changes to routine quite hard to cope with at the best of times.

I know I need to do what is best for them, but I don't think it would necessarily be best for them and if things went at all like the last time then I'd end up a nervous wreck.

AIBU to say that while I agree 1:1 time would be good it is up to him to arrange it, independently of me?

OP posts:

Knifeandfawkes · 04/10/2021 22:00

Of course it's up to him. Not even a question in my book.

YourFinestPantaloons · 04/10/2021 22:01

Thai is a power move from him. Do not enable it. Especially with the history of DC

If he can't afford to see them more than once a month then he can't afford a hotel every month surely!

When I split with exH I made a clean break - no more wiping his arse, making sure he did everything for the kids properly, checking he has everything he needs etc. I can highly recommend it! If he wants 1:1 time with them, he's a big boy? He can sort it

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 04/10/2021 22:04

Not your problem. Let him sort

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2021 22:06

His responsibility.

MoiraNotRuby · 04/10/2021 22:06

Absolutely not your responsibility to organise. What an absolute arsehole, massive congratulations on breaking free from such a dickhead.

Thatsplentyjack · 04/10/2021 22:08

No way!

PuffinPeter · 04/10/2021 22:08

When's your 1:1 time with each of them?will he facilitate that? Of course not. This is just a way of controlling you and having you at his beck and call for the weekend. He wants 1:1 time he can arrange it in his own time with them, same as you have to.

CrazyAllAroundMe · 04/10/2021 22:08

He has time allocated with his 4 children, he doesn't get to occupy your once a month child free time micro managing his wishes. All this sounds purely about control over you. If he can afford overnight stays near you monthly he can afford eow without accommodation costs 🙄 fricking arse of a man. Good luck yanbu x

Brollywasntneededafterall · 04/10/2021 22:08

Imo your responsibility goes as far as opening the door and shoving the dc out. All of them.
Close door and embrace the peace...

SinoohXaenaHide · 04/10/2021 22:14

Nope. He is not in charge of you. He is trying to make the contact as stressful and upsetting for you as possible, continuing his abuse by whatever means he can access. 1:1 time with each of 4 kids is not easy to arrange for any parent but it's not your job to organise it for him.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/10/2021 22:15

I take it he is a comedian!

Of course he gets to take them all and arrange childcare of he wants 1:1 time. I reckon he's just trying to make sure you never have any time off.

Chloemol · 04/10/2021 22:17

It’s up to him to sort

pianolessons1 · 04/10/2021 22:19

No this is bullshit - so you never get any child free time? If he wants 1:1 time he sorts some childcare for the other kids.

LittleOwl153 · 04/10/2021 22:19

I've watched this play out on the school playground. Dad turns up to collect eldest child (all primary aged) mum and grandma for the other 3. Youngest 2 are happy to see grandma and are fine. Second child is so upset they can't go. The child screams and shouts and grabs hold of dad who says it's mums fault and that she should be controlling the 2nd child. That it was not their turn. Mum now trying to deal with youngest two who are upset by 2nd one being upset. And oldest child is smirking in the background. Dad then gives in and says 2nd can come too. Eldest kicks off, mum says 2nd has nothing with them to stay with dad (dad refuses to provide any clothes etc for the kids when they are at his) which is again mum's fault as she should have known this would happen and packed accordingly....

Does he facilitate you having 1:1 or is it just him with that privilege?

GobletOfIre · 04/10/2021 22:32

He’s trying to control you. Don’t let him.

Ohpulltheotherone · 04/10/2021 22:37

What? No.

Go through the correct channels via mediation and court.
Let him argue it out with Cafcas about why he can’t manage 4 children at once.

If you’re a parent to more than one child then 121 time with each is a rarity - and that’s as a full time parent, suggesting he can do this ONCE A MONTH is just ridiculous.
Seriously this is either about his inability to cope with more than one child at once or it’s about control over you - so that the one time a month you should be able to get a bit of “you” time - you can’t.
As a single parent of 4 children you deserve and need those few precious hours, don’t give in and facilitate his ridiculous demands

Original poster

IkeaMoon · 04/10/2021 22:39

Littleowl - that sounds so very familiar.

OP posts:

Original poster

IkeaMoon · 04/10/2021 22:41

Thank you for all the advice. I will resist this demand

OP posts:

SaltySheepdog · 04/10/2021 22:41

Let him organise it. You do t run around

Cheeseplantboots · 04/10/2021 22:43

He’s being a twat. Why does he need one to one with them. What he really means is he doesn’t want them all at once. Either he has them all or not at all.

Twillow · 04/10/2021 22:58

No no no no. Power play - agreed. Keeping you with a child all the time -agreed. If he can afford to come and stay in your town, he can afford to have them twice a month surely.

BananaPB · 04/10/2021 23:02

That's not how it works.
He needs to take both of them at the same time- especially as it's once a month . Only time there would be one on one is extreme situations like illness or sleepovers.

If you're feeling generous agree to collect from him but you're right about him organizing the time himself. You're not supposed to spend his weekends meeting him every few hours to swap. Not fair on you or the kids.

BungleandGeorge · 05/10/2021 00:03

He can’t afford to have them at his house twice a month but we can afford to have a weekend away once a month? He’s taking the Mickey, he doesn’t want you to have any time alone

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 05/10/2021 00:08

My ex used to try this with me. We have 4 dc together and he would only want them 2 at a time.

He just wanted to make sure I constantly had children with me and he had lots of free time. Its all about control.

RedMarauder · 05/10/2021 05:58

As per @Ohpulltheotherone he will look stupid in front of a judge explaining why he can't have all his 4 children at once.

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