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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would respond with this?

37 replies

MiaMarshmallows · 04/10/2021 21:50

A child of 9 sulking excessively whenever they do not get their own way? For example they will be told they cannot do something and they will sit there with their head down for ages and a moody expression or will walk off and sulk. Or they will be asked to do something but will have to be asked several times before they do it and then they will go back to their room to sulk as soon as they have completed a tiny part of what has been asked. Would you answer change if the child was also acting like this with caregivers outside the family?

OP posts:
NumberNineTwo · 04/10/2021 21:52

It’s awful. That type of behaviour must be learned though. Which adult in their lives is modelling this huffy childish behaviour?

BrownEyedSquirrel · 04/10/2021 21:53

@numberninetwo what a ridiculous assumption!

YourFinestPantaloons · 04/10/2021 21:53

Ah, I see you've met my DD!

SRK16 · 04/10/2021 21:55

I think adults need to try and understand what the child is feeling and why they are behaving that way. And help the child verbalise/calm down.

Ahardyfool · 04/10/2021 21:56

I’d be pleased as punch with the restraint of an internal huff and pout. My own child (autism PDA) was far, far worse.

ghostyslovesheets · 04/10/2021 21:59

stop asking for starters - start requesting they do it

also explain why they can;t do something and ask how they feel about it - they are 9 so quiet young - they need to understand why things are required or not allowed - and ignore the sulking

Idony · 04/10/2021 22:00

Naughty step for X minutes, then an apology. If it continues, loss of treats. Definitely no screen time; it's likely exacerbating the behaviour.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2021 22:03

@NumberNineTwo

It’s awful. That type of behaviour must be learned though. Which adult in their lives is modelling this huffy childish behaviour?
Eh? Confused

Some 9 year olds are sulky and moody because they're...well 9 year olds.

Or they will be asked to do something but will have to be asked several times before they do it and then they will go back to their room to sulk as soon as they have completed a tiny part of what has been asked

I wouldn't stand for them just completing a tiny part and I wouldn't have asked them several times.

Ask once and then start telling them, or there'll be consequences.

Original poster
MiaMarshmallows · 04/10/2021 22:03

She will go into moods very easily, sometimes up to 3 or 4 times in a day. It's always when she doesn't get her own way. Even if it is something simple like leaving a place at a certain time or one of us making a decision about what time to eat for dinner etc.
I have tried to ignore it but it is difficult when she is not responding to my polite but firm requests to go and do something like have a bath or set the table.

OP posts:
Ahardyfool · 04/10/2021 22:06

You could try the ‘choices’ technique perhaps.
So: “would you like to clear the plates now or after you’ve put away your books”

PanicPrevention · 04/10/2021 22:06

Walking off to sulk in their own room is fine.
Jobs not completed means no treats, tv or internet access until chores are done to reasonable standard, if that takes sulky pants all day thats their problem.
Persistent moodiness, dickish behaviour or back chat warrents a stern chat to remind them how good theyve got it and to be grateful, followed by grounding and confiscations if attitude doesn't improve.
I cannot stand sulking but if you want to spend your time sulking do it where I cant see it.
I treated tantrums the same way and its the same kind of manipulation, be consistent and dont stoop to their level.
Im assuming this is a step child?

Stompythedinosaur · 04/10/2021 22:07

@YourFinestPantaloons

Ah, I see you've met my DD!
Grin She might have a twin living at my house!

I tend to opt for ignoring sulking and continuing as if it isn't happening.

Emotional regulation is a skill dc have to learn. Sulking is a more moderate reaction to something not going your way than pitching a tantrum. They will get there with better emotional control in a few years.

MoiraNotRuby · 04/10/2021 22:09

You can insist on certain behaviour but not on what feelings a child has about that. They may feel very sulky about having to set the table. The part that matters to you is that they do the task. They don't have to do it with a smile. (I know its wearing)

Lifeispassingby · 04/10/2021 22:09

9 is old enough for consequences imo. So ask once, then tell with warning ‘if you don’t do x now then this will happen’. If it doesn’t happen then consequence warned kicks in

Summersun2020 · 04/10/2021 22:11

@SRK16

I think adults need to try and understand what the child is feeling and why they are behaving that way. And help the child verbalise/calm down.
🙄 🙄 🙄
Kiwi09 · 04/10/2021 22:13

Sounds like my DS! He wouldn’t do it for other people though, just us. He really wanted some pocket money recently so we said he could have it if he helped with a one-off job that needed doing at home. It took hours and he was great company, so I’m hopeful this is just a phase!!

rrhuth · 04/10/2021 22:14

I would just ignore, unless they didn't do what I was asking. I would try to explain why sulking makes things worse for them and for others, but other than that I wouldn't worry unduly as they are 9.

If ever they did anything in a jolly way I would be very appreciative and be sure to notice.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2021 22:14

I think adults need to try and understand what the child is feeling and why they are behaving that way. And help the child verbalise/calm down.

Yeah, or just set the bloody table 🙄

LizzieSiddal · 04/10/2021 22:17

How long has this been happening? Could it be the beginning of puberty, hormones etc.

I would ask her, when she’s happy, how she feels when she’s going off to her room, why does she do it? Talk about it all with her but you must both be calm at the time.

MushMonster · 04/10/2021 22:17

I think this is one to keep very very firm, or they will never learn to cope with not getting everything they want.
Sulking for not getting a toy/ ice cream.... Ignore. Say they are acting foolish, and do not bat an eyelid.
Refusing to do something they have been asked to do. Yeap, I agree with PP, cange ask for order to do said chore. Remove priviledges if not done. Remove further if huffing and puffing to get it done.
I do not think this is a learnt behaviour at all. I think some children just find more difficult to learn to cope with frustration, to compromise, refusal of something they want. We have to teach them, and it is hard. But if they do not get this wright, it can have really bad impact in their life.
Also, when they are calm, have a chat about how they feel, why they cannot have everything they want, how they make you feel, how it could be improved.
Also, when they get better at it, can introduce negotiation. A great tool to have in one's repertoir! I still need some further skills to get there! But I can see it in the horizon!

LizzieSiddal · 04/10/2021 22:18

Yeah, or just set the bloody table 🙄

The OP has asked for advice. I’m sure she’s tried “Just set the bloody table”

hangrylady · 04/10/2021 22:19

@Idony

Naughty step for X minutes, then an apology. If it continues, loss of treats. Definitely no screen time; it's likely exacerbating the behaviour.
Naughty Step! The child is 9 not 3
thepinknecklace · 04/10/2021 22:20

Kids are fucking hard work, eh?

No advice just one exhausted mum to another 👊🏻

FrozenoutofCostco · 04/10/2021 22:21

My 6yr old DD is like this!! Worse in fact

LizzieSiddal · 04/10/2021 22:22

FFS OP, I know this is a parenting site but don’t follow most of the advice on this thread, it’s bat shit crazy and will not solve your child’s sulking.