How to stop it triggering me

[Joslynn]

Hi. I’m not sure why I’m posting really but here goes. I’m a mum to 2dc, dd age 16 and my ds age 10. My ds is autistic and can often have a lot of meltdowns displaying challenging and aggressive behaviour. I’ve been a sahm for a few years since ds started to struggle at school and when he started to be excluded on a regular basis it made it impossible to stay in my job. Anyway fast forward a few years and I’m a shell of my former self.

I was diagnosed with adhd a few months ago and I have anxiety and ptsd. My dh has been amazing and so supportive but I’m struggling and one of the things i’m struggling with is when my ds is aggressive with me. He can hit out shout scream throw things break things around the house etc. Some days I can cope with it fine but other days it’s to much. I never let it show and I always keep my cool as losing my temper won’t do my ds any good but when he’s like this with me it makes me anxious and at times when he’s gone to hit out or throw something I’ve flinched.

When I was a child my df was abusive towards my dm. He hit her on many occasions and also did the same to me and my dsis. I was a stubborn little madam but compared to how my ds can be I was an angel yet I was still treated badly. I thought I’d dealt with it all and had moved past what happened or at least managed to push it to the back of my mind but when my ds is aggressive it brings it all back. Don’t get me wrong I love my ds to bits and i don’t blame him for feeling overwhelmed due to a lot of his difficulties but I wish I could get some help to reduce the aggression. He isn’t aggressive all the time as in hitting out but at least once daily he shouts screams at me and I feel like I’m walking on egg shells.

Is he still out of education? Are you with him all day? Does he have an EHCP? My heart goes out to you.

No he’s at a specialist school now but it’s not the right place for him. He got lumped in an EBD school and whilst I can’t deny his does have these behaviours it’s not the right kind of school for an autistic child. He has picked up bad language from the other kids in class and copies a lot of behaviours which he brings home with him. To get him out of there I’d need to find a school willing to take him then take my local authority to tribunal.

Hmm yes that sounds v tough. What about SEMH type settings?

Aside from that and as you say, the inevitable tribunal, does he have a social worker? He’s entitled to a s17 (I think) assessment as a child with a disability is automatically a Child in Need. You could also have your own assessment as his carer.

Hi. No he doesn’t have a social worker. We’ve never had any involvement with ss before. A few years back I was asked if I wanted to be referee so that we could get some support but SS came back with my ds isn’t a child in need. They more or less stated he has a loving stable environment at home and they didn’t have any concerns. Well that’s what the professional who referred us said. Not sure if she should’ve shared that with us but I’m glad she did. My local authority have put me through hell in the past denying support my son needed in mainstream school then refusing the specialist school I wanted which was perfect for my son. We had meetings were they sat opposite and bare faced lied fo me and denied things agreed in emails even when I presented them with written evidence. So yeah the less involvement I have with them the better.

I truly truly hear you. I do.

He absolutely is a CIN, the SW is misinformed. Social Care is a different set up to SEN team and they might (and should) be more helpful. Council for Disabled Children had a leaflet on this, I’ll see can I find it. Social care should be able to offer respite as required as well as other support.

Yeah I looked into respite but it says on the council website that they’re continuing to assess for direct payments but aren’t currently accepting referrals for respite except for emergency referrals.

See p20 onwards here

councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk/sites/default/files/uploads/files/socialcare_implementationofcfa2014_online.pdf

Just that statement alone is a blanket policy and is unlawful. In the first instance I’d be minded to email that directly to the director of children’s services and then try and get additional support elsewhere such as IPSEA - but obviously you have to be up for the journey that brings. I think you’ll end up at this point anyway though.

Thank you. I’ll have a good read through it tonight once my ds has gone to bed.

I had emdr for ptsd and it changed my life. Is this something you could consider? I had 20 sessions on the NHS.

Sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry about the things that happened to you in the past. I hope things get easier for you soon.

Is that like therapy? Yeah I’d be open to that. I started on sertraline a few weeks ago after years of refusing to take anything. I felt ok at first taking it it but the last few days I feel rotten.

I can't advise on your son's needs and it seems like there are some very informative posts on here anyway.
Re the triggering though, CBT for trauma can really really help with that. EMDR is also useful but not widely available - pp who had 20 sessions very lucky. If you search NHS talking therapies online your local providers will come up.

Are you on the correct meds for adhd.

Cin plans are more about getting the right tailored support for your child. Ensuring all professionals talk and agree what's needed. Often these can be accessed quicker.
Respite care is hard but not impossible to get if that's what you feel might be appropriate.
After an assessment It will help ensure your son gets the right support especially with SW involvement. If he's in the wrong place it's going to be effecting him.
SW aren't there to judge but try and help.

I never let it show and I always keep my cool as losing my temper won’t do my ds any good but when he’s like this with me it makes me anxious and at times when he’s gone to hit out or throw something I’ve flinched.

It’s a wholly human response to flinch when someone acts like they’re going to hit or throw something - rather than being triggered if you see what I mean. You’re living in an unpredictable, frightening set of circumstances - I hear how much you live your DC, and it’s hard when their behaviour is fear inducing but what you describe in your reaction sounds normal. I don’t know many folks who wouldn’t flinch when faced with aggression and violence.

Have a google of EMDR, maybe have a look on YouTube. It uses eye movement like you have in your sleep to help you process memories rather than getting stuck in them. The therapist explained to me that most memories are like cars moving down a motorway at different speeds but a traumatic memory that has caused PTSD is like a broken down car. EMDR helps us to process the memory whenever it pops up and keep it moving on to the next thing rather than going over it in our minds.