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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask ex dh to join us for family games night

26 replies

Hopelesslystuck · 04/10/2021 10:04

Separated from DH early this year, my choice. Mostly an amicable split although we’ve had our moments. No dramatic history, no cheating or anything like that, we had just grown apart and I was no longer happy.

2 DC’s, eldest is 6 and they are both adapting to our new set up. Ex DH has the children 2 nights per week and every other weekend.

My eldest DC has asked a few times now if we can have a “family games day” with both me and ex there.

I am willing to do this if it helps the children adapt and I would like them to see that we can still get along. I’ve been telling them that we are still a family, just a different kind of family, and I feel like this would reinforce this message.

Eldest also wants to show his dad his new room etc in our new house.

I’m not particularly keen on any of this for obvious reasons but if it will help the children I’m more than willing to suck it up.

Ex is not.

Is this an unreasonable request? To spend half an hour to an hour in each other’s company with the children?

Eldest DC says the hardest part of the separation has been not seeing us both at the same time.

I really don’t know if this is a totally ridiculous suggestion but just want to prioritise the children. As a child of a horrible divorce myself I want to get this right for them.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 04/10/2021 10:05

I can see why your ex doesn’t want to
You’re not all still a family; he’s their family and you are but you’re not your ex’s family anymore. It’s better to be separate

Noogar · 04/10/2021 10:06

It's not unreasonable but it's not unreasonable of your ex to not want to either. He might think it will confuse things or give hope to them of you reconciling.

Noogar · 04/10/2021 10:07

I’ve been telling them that we are still a family, just a different kind of family, and I feel like this would reinforce this message. I think this might be a bit confusing as you and your ex are no longer family. You're nothing to each other now. Other than civil for the children.

Doomscrolling · 04/10/2021 10:09

It’s not unreasonable to ask him, but it is unreasonable not to respect his boundaries.

I guess perhaps from his perspective you dumped him and now want him to play happy families? If he’d left you, would you want to go to his new house and play games? Obviously it’s more than half an hour, and he’d be expected to act like he’s having fun or obviously the games wouldn’t happen.

Your children will get used to their new living situation. It’s normal for them to want to recreate a family environment they miss, but it will pass.

seaandsandcastles · 04/10/2021 10:10

It’s okay for you to ask. It’s okay for him to say no.

Aprilx · 04/10/2021 10:11

You could be confusing your children not helping them, giving false hope maybe. You need to stop telling them you are a family, even a different kind of family, you are no longer a family. The children have two families now, one with him and one with you.

Clymene · 04/10/2021 10:13

@Noogar

Yes, I'm afraid I agree with this. I think what you're trying to do is too nuanced for a six year old to understand. He is still their dad. But you're not a family. They're now effectively part of two families.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 04/10/2021 10:14

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. My ex wanted to spend time as a family but I didn’t want to, we are not a family anymore. So I had to say no.

Original poster

Hopelesslystuck · 04/10/2021 10:24

Thanks all. This is reinforcing my own thoughts, I didn’t think either of us were being unreasonable.

It’s tough when it’s me being asked this by DC, and not him.

I get the points about calling ourselves a family confusing the children.

It’s hard to know how best to deal with it. It’s an awful pressure to get it right.

OP posts:

HunkyPunk · 04/10/2021 10:48

Some people can manage what you’re proposing - I’ve known it happen rarely, but only when both parties are on board from the outset, and usually if it was a mutual decision to part. And it’s never presented as ‘we are all still a family’, but rather ‘we are still friends’.

It was your choice to separate, you say, so was your ex hurt/bitter/bemused? If he was stung by your decision, it’s unlikely he will be able to overcome this, even for the children. It’s always easier to be the bigger person, when you’ve essentially already got the outcome you want!

Original poster

Hopelesslystuck · 04/10/2021 11:13

“ It was your choice to separate, you say, so was your ex hurt/bitter/bemused?”

Very fair point. He was shocked I finally called time although I don’t know how as it had been discussed many many times.

I think maybe we need to agree a clear strategy so we can both respect each other’s boundaries and make sure the children are also clear on how things will be.

If anyone can recommend any advice / good reading on the subject I’d be very grateful!

OP posts:

Annasgirl · 04/10/2021 11:37

OP, look at this from 5 years down the line. My friend was very accommodating when herself and her ex split and did all the "family events" together. I advised against this as I said "what about when you meet someone else?".

Well, it did not end well. When one or both of you has a new partner, then there really is no possibility of "happy family events" so please, do not start something that you will have to end at a time of even greater change for your DC (when either you or your ex introduce someone new).

HunkyPunk · 04/10/2021 13:19

Do you think he would be willing to attend, let’s say, parents’ evenings, school productions, sports days and the like with the two of you there supporting your children, even if he can’t bring himself to set foot in your family home? It’s a shame that he won’t agree to looking at your ds’s new room. I think you’re trying to do a really good thing for your children, but you (and the children) may need to scale down your expectations a bit, as your ex obviously hasn’t yet (may never?) reached a place where that level of friendliness, faked for the children or otherwise, would seem acceptable, whereas you have.

Something very similar happened to a friend of mine, only the other way round. They’d had difficulties and he was the one who called time, (and had a new partner soon after) and that felt to her like it was out of the blue and a punch to the gut. I suppose some people assume that things will just drag on in a ‘same old…’ kind of way. It took a huge effort on her part to act normal for her ds and she could often be seen sitting with her ex at school functions and ‘small-talking’ with him, just to present a united front for her son. Some parents will try anything to preserve their children’s emotional well-being when things go awry, even at their own expense, and others draw a line. I hope you find a balance that works for you all, op.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/10/2021 14:57

You’re not unreasonable, but I was told by a counsellor helping my Dd with feelings over the divorce that it was best not to do this, and to keep parents separate. Hard as it may be for kids, it can give them false hope of you getting together again.

Original poster

Hopelesslystuck · 04/10/2021 15:30

Thank you for that lovely comment @HunkyPunk

I think you’re absolutely right, he thought we just trudge on and I don’t believe he ever took me seriously. A large part of the root problem really.

I would really hope he will be willing to attend the type of things you mention, as I mentioned my own parents had a horrific divorce and even publicly fell out on my wedding day.

I think that’s why im so keen to still appear to be getting along for our children and why I’ve bit my tongue so much over the last few months it’s almost bitten off!

OP posts:

JovialNickname · 04/10/2021 16:16

I think it's a bit much expecting him to play happy families, when you broke up with him! I'm sure it was the right choice to split up and no one judges you for that, but I'm sure your children are more hurt/affected by their parents splitting up (your choice) than the lack of a half hour card game(his choice!) This is what you decided you wanted, when you ended the marriage. No he doesn't have to trot over to play rummy to assuage your guilt..... sorry.

LadyGAgain · 04/10/2021 16:19

My dad would sit and have a meal that mum prepared with my sibling and I. He definitely did not want a divorce. At no point over the 12 years mum did this (until we were adults) were we ever confused. It made a huge huge positive difference for us to have parents who could rise above their own personal feelings for us children for a short period of time. ExDH is being unreasonable.

BornIn78 · 04/10/2021 16:30

It hasn’t even been a year yet, you’ve had longer than him to come to terms with the separation as you knew it was coming, you say it was your choice and came as a shock to him.

Being civil and putting on a show of “togetherness” for parents evening, sports day, children’s birthdays and weddings is very different to asking him to come over for a family games day. I wouldn’t do it and I don’t blame him for saying no.

Macncheeseballs · 04/10/2021 16:32

It might not be as amicable as you think

SouthSideSally · 04/10/2021 16:41

It's maybe a bit soon for him.

It's important for your children to feel like they are still part of a family and there is nothing wrong with telling them that you are a family who don't live together.

There isn't anything you can do to control how your ex is feeling and at the moment it is more important to preserve your good co-parenting relationship with him than to push him into something he finds hard and might cause conflict.

Maybe in a while you can approach this again but start maybe with extending handover time at the park with kids for 10 mins. So that the children can see their parents are ok with each other.

anon12345678901 · 04/10/2021 16:45

My ex asked me to do this when we split, although our child didn't ask, I refused. We aren't a family anymore, so doing family time would blur the separation lines. Sorry but I agree with your Ex.

icedcoffees · 04/10/2021 16:52

You ended the relationship - so I think, emotionally, you're going to be much further "along" than he is, if that makes sense?

He may be more comfortable doing things together further down the line, but it's very early days yet. Of course it's sad for your DC but unfortunately that's the reality of divorce for many people.

puffyisgood · 04/10/2021 16:59

He could certainly come over for a cup of tea, your kids could fairly quickly show him round the new house, etc.

You variously allude to a "games day", "games night", and "half an hour to an hour in each other’s company with the children" - I'm not sure if these are different or the same ideas. I suppose I'm inclined to think that a quick game of snakes and ladders as part of a half hour visit might be a good idea.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/10/2021 17:01

Of course your dc want you back together, but unless you are planning on reconciliation then this would just be confusing for the dc. You aren't a single family any more.

Nowthisisme · 04/10/2021 17:01

I see where you are coming from but I think it could give the children false hope. Your eldest could be trying to manufacture a situation where you might reconcile. My DSD fantasises about her mum and dad getting back together and she doesn’t even remember them together. (They split 7 odd years ago when she was under one.)
The strength of her desire and endurance of her optimism is surprising.

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