How do you break a trauma bond?

[Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy]

Posting here for traffic

OK I'm in some serious need of advice because I cannot continue like this please help!

I am trauma bonded to my ex, and try as I may I can't break it alone. We've been on/off for 5 years, in that time he has screamed at me, called me names, accused me of horrific things to do with my children (none of which are true), threatened to take our child away from me, and would pack his bags and leave almost monthly since 2018 when we had a disagreement/argument. I know deep down that us not being together is for the best but yet Im so bonded I keep begging and pleading and trust me he's loving seeing me in distress even if he says he's not

Anyway he's now trying to move on with someone new and it's literally destroying me, he says he wants me for sex and the majority of my worth is my body but then says he wants us to work but refuses to block the other woman (who he hasn't met) and put his time and effort into me.

I can't keep doing this dance with him, it's a circle il be trapped in forever if I don't break it and i need help to actually do that.

I can't eat, i keep having anxiety attacks, I keep crying, I'm struggling to sleep, I cannot go on like this. What do I have to do??

Where are your kids when all this is going on?

You can break this off so ask yourself why you aren't doing so. Do you place such a low value on yourself that you allow such behaviour?

You are being abused and allowing your children to witness it. If you truly cannot end things then you need help from womens aid and social services.

Say to yourself "i can accept your distorted views about me". Repeat that in your head endlessly.

Ive been where you are and you can break the bond. I left physically but was still trapped for another 18 months psychologically.

Check out michelle le nieves, meredith miller inner integration and lisa romano on youtube. All of them will have videos on how to break this horrible bond.

It is doable but you need to do things that feel counter intuitive at first.

Ie not responding to drama baits. Because if you're thinking "i have to defend myself" then you're On The Hook and your x knows it.

Defend yourself in legal contexts only from now on.

Ps it's Michele lee nieves.
She has a good few videos about the trauma bond so i wanted to get her name right.

One day you will wake up furious at all the horrible things he has done to you and once you realise you can’t unrealise. Try to think how you would feel if it was your daughter treated this way or the advice you would give to a friend going through the same thing. Now, apply that to yourself. You have an equal right to everything in this world. Know that.

Say to yourself "i can accept your distorted views about me". Repeat that in your head endlessly

I really hope that's a typo...

Honestly, you can leave him. It will be hard at first, but in time it will get so much better. Honestly, being in no relationship and the freedom that it brings can be so much better than being in a bad relationship

What age are your children? Do you really want this life for them? Because this is what you are showing them to be normal. And even if you think you are shielding them from it, they'll know more than you think. They'll grow up to accept that kind of behaviour as normal.

This might should like I'm being harsh, but this is the reality that I had to face. And I couldn't let my kids grow up seeing a toxic relationship as normal. That was what got me out.

I wish you well.

@fluffybooboo oh dear....
No it definitely is not a typo because therein freedom lies.

What is the alternative?

Putting herself "in the dock" to defend herself against all of his charges against her?

The key to breaking this bond is through resisting the urge to defend herself. She does not need to.

Freedome programme

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Feminism.

The alternative to accepting his views?

Maybe .. accepting his right to hold them?

Or letting go of any attachment she has to them?

But accepting his views feels like you are saying that his views are ok. They aren't. Imo there are better ways of dealing with it than that. But I accept your right to think that is the best way ahead.

Distance. You need enough distance from them to get a real perspective on what's going on. Sometimes that's just a bit of time apart and head space, other times it's about physically moving away from them. Or getting legal steps in place, like a non molestation order. A lot of women get that through the freedom program and/or learning about this stuff. Others get a wake up call when social services become involved. Many others don't wake up to what's going on until they lose their kids through the courts. Everyone has a different wake up point, a different rock bottom. Many people feel like the limit is if the other person cheats, and some people have affairs just to nail the lid to the coffin so they can finally move on. Others stay with that person for their whole lives at the detriment to everything else in their lives.

I can't tell you what will be your point of no return. For me, I had been educating myself for a long while but was not ready yet. Then one day in just any other argument like we'd had every other day, something in me just snapped and I was like "I'm done now" His words had lost all meaning and from then it was a total switch around in my head about trying to leave. There was nothing left to work on. I was just done. It was like I had woken up from a magic spell and could not make sense of my thinking before, because it had not made sense.

Have a look at the work of Zoe Lodrick. She has done a lot of work on the psychology of why women don't leave, trauma bonds etc. She does still do counselling if that might be accessible to you

I hope the below document may help @Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy

www.iow.gov.uk/azservices/documents/2713-Trauma-Trauma-Bonding-IOW-Zoe-Lodrick.pdf

Zoe is absolutely brilliant, she did a session at a DV conference I attended with work. It was a real eye opener

gamerchick

Where are your kids when all this is going on?

My thoughts exactly! Focus on your children and not your relationship

I've heard Zoe Lodrick too and she us v good. You need time, so if he has left, block him, no contact at all, if he is seeing your child, get someone else to facilitate contact. Going complete NC is what you need, every little bit of contact you have let's the bonds grow back