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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think my friend is being stalked

25 replies

Suzanne999 · 03/10/2021 13:53

Apologies if this is in the wrong place. I’m at the end of my tether & don’t know what to do.
Long story short, friend ( divorced) had an affair with a married man for several years. Eventually he said he’d left his wife and moved in with her, with just a few bags of stuff. Exactly a week later she came home from work to find him and his stuff gone, he’d gone back to his wife, claiming she was ill and needed him.
That was 18 months ago and since then he’s bombarded her with texts and last week appeared in her garden with power tools and just started cutting branches of an overhanging tree. She was in the middle of a business Zoom meeting so told him to go and not come to her house uninvited ever again. Since then he’s done nothing but text all hours.
I’ve told her to block his number but she won’t as she says she knows what the repercussions will be. She suspects he also goes to her house when she’s at work. She knows that at one time he was tracking her phone.
I know he’s the very jealous type, possessive of her and I cannot imagine his wife knows what is going on and puts up with this. When I asked my friend why she didn’t just block his number she became tearful and said she knows what will happen if she does, she has to just keep the peace (?)
Do I leave alone, none of my business?
Go to his house and tell him to do one? Tell his wife?
Any ideas and opinions welcome.
To me he has stalker-like behaviour and that’s never a good sign.

OP posts:
altforvarmt · 03/10/2021 13:55

You should not be thinking about speaking with him. She needs to involve the police.

Sapphire387 · 03/10/2021 13:57

She should contact the police. You're right- this is stalking.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2021 13:58

Your friend needs the help of the police before something very tragic happens.

FlorenceWintle · 03/10/2021 13:58

You should encourage her to contact the police.

Looubylou · 03/10/2021 14:00

YANBU to be concerned for your friend, but she has to want to take action herself - you will risk your friendship if you interfere, and that would be a source of support, for your friend, gone. You can advice and express concerns, signpost to agencies that can help and be there for your friend. Frustrating I know.

Penistoe · 03/10/2021 14:01

Police is the only way forward. I hope she feels shame for the affair as well.

Looubylou · 03/10/2021 14:02

Advise!

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 03/10/2021 14:05

If she won't go to the police maybe women's aid might be of assistance.

Baileyscheesecake · 03/10/2021 14:08

She needs to change the locks if he still has keys to her home.

PartyStory · 03/10/2021 14:14

Tell her to call the police and if she won’t contact them yourself and ask for advice.

waybill · 03/10/2021 14:33

Wouldn't surprise me if the wife hasn't kicked him out, and he's looking to move back in with your friend.

He sounds volatile, and I'd be concerned for your friend too.

BlankTimes · 03/10/2021 14:50

She needs to change the locks if he still has keys to her home
Absolutely agree.

Hope these links help.

www.suzylamplugh.org/stalking-help-and-advice

www.suzylamplugh.org/am-i-being-stalked-tool

www.gov.uk/report-stalker

CoraPirbright · 03/10/2021 15:22

One of these is an easy fix - change the locks!! I am Confused that this has not been done already, frankly, given that she worries he is coming into the house.

Re: the rest, I agree with pp’s try to encourage her to see the gravity of the situation and encourage her to get the police involved. If they can visit this turd and warn him to back off, can you organise a rota of mates for her to stay with or to stay with her so that she feels less vulnerable in her own home?

3scape · 03/10/2021 15:27

It'd be great if she changed the locks. Has she said more about what will happen or keeping the peace? That's very disturbing. Unfortunately someone who has obviously been intimidated for so long generally thinks they're keeping the situation calm, but they're just feeding into the psychology that the person is entitled to behave this way, that there is an understanding between them etc.

Very gently she needs to realise how dangerous a position she is in.

Ijustdontcare · 03/10/2021 15:36

On top of changing the locks. She needs to change all her online passwords and reset the permissions of who can see her location in find my friends if she has an iPhone

WithMyEncyclopedia · 03/10/2021 15:39

Had she had any contact in the 18 months between affair ending and this starting up?

JustLyra · 03/10/2021 15:41

She sounds extremely scared.

Talk to her, without judging for the affair, and ask her to let you help with practicalities - changing locks, ring doorbell, fitting an alarm, changing passwords and making sure her phone isn’t being tracked.

I can understand that it’s frustrating, but saying she knows what the repercussions would be is quite chilling. Keep in mind that making your escape from an abusive man is the most dangerous point and your friend likely knows that.

Shitapillar · 03/10/2021 15:50

@Penistoe

Police is the only way forward. I hope she feels shame for the affair as well.
No mention of him feeling shame then? You know, him, the married one!
Motherofalittledragon · 03/10/2021 15:53

Definitely the police, and it would be a good idea to request a Claire's Law. Who knows what he's been up to in his past.

MzHz · 03/10/2021 16:29

She can’t fight this alone, and even if she doesn’t rock the boat now, stalkers won’t be happy with the status quo and he will escalate

Ring doorbell, change locks, new phone and contract and leave old phone at home so he can’t track her, speak to network provider

Suzy lamplugh trust is a great suggestion

Suzanne999 · 03/10/2021 17:47

Many thanks for all your replies. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not going OTT in the behaviour I see in him. Unfortunately she won’t do anything, won’t change the locks, won’t report him to the police. Won’t even tell him to stop texting. This has gone on night and day since the day he went back to his wife. I’d have no qualms telling him to p off and block his number ( or get mine changed) but she seems to think she has to comply with him. I think it’s a dangerous situation that could escalate and I think she does too— hence the keeping the peace.
I’ll start reading through the Suzi Lamplugh Trust site and see if there’s anything else I can do.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 03/10/2021 17:52

Has your friend responded to him at all on the texts? Why don’t she change the locks. What exactly does he have on her to make her so submissive? Images?

Cervicalflop · 03/10/2021 17:56

Please do not challenge this man yourself. I tried to step-in when my friend was being stalked by her ex and he ended up with him attacking her physically and then almost destroying my professional reputation and my private life as part of his grudge and need to get "revenge" on my friend.
We had to involve the police but I would suggest if she is unwilling to go to the police then at least she should invest in a very good CCTV and alarm system and ensure that her door and windows are secured.

HollowTalk · 03/10/2021 18:00

At the very least she should get a Ring doorbell and some CCTV within the house, too. That is easily done and could be invaluable if things escalate.

I wonder whether she's been a victim of domestic violence with him - she does seem very scared of repercussions.

WhatAShilohPitt · 03/10/2021 18:31

Good advice already. I’d advise her to keep a diary of incidents as if this escalates the police can match dates and times.

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