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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do cry it out at this age?

27 replies

Cheesemeup · 03/10/2021 13:41

My 3.5 year old is a nightmare at bedtime. He sleeps like a dream for everyone but me. He wakes around 3 am, says he wants to get up, wants his tablet, wants a snack. He will not settle down so I end up taking him into my room where I have to pretend to try and put his tablet on whilst he finally falls asleep. I’ve tried leaving him in his room but he will scream and kick his door. He doesn’t listen to me at all. I’ve had a lot on the past year so I’ve just given in to him a lot which is now biting me on the arse.

How do I deal with these night time wakings? I’m exhausted. Everyone keeps telling me to put a baby gate on his door and leave him, but 1) I don’t want to see him upset and 2) he will wake the entire street up with his screams/shouting and door kicking

Please help, i just want to sleep more than 5 hours a night 😭

OP posts:
Rosesareyellow · 03/10/2021 13:50

I’ve had a lot on the past year so I’ve just given in to him a lot which is now biting me on the arse.

Yep. Sorry to hear you’ve had a tough time. But he’s old enough to know bed time is bed time and that the middle of the night is not tablet and snack time. I wouldn’t even call it crying it out at this age - you say no, that’s that and if he throws a tantrum so be it. It won’t be easy but it will work after a couple of nights, ride it out.

Comedycook · 03/10/2021 13:52

Bribery?

SummerHouse · 03/10/2021 13:57

It's hard. Set boundaries in your head and don't give in. The pretending to put his tablet on is making him think that he will get it if he complains enough. That would be a categoric no from me. As would snacks.

I would say that I would sit with him while he goes back to sleep. Explain this is what will happen before he goes to bed. Try a sticker chart for staying in his bed. Maybe a special cuddly toy to come out if he wakes that he can ask for just so he has one small element of control.

Original poster
Cheesemeup · 03/10/2021 14:01

I tried bribery, worked one night then he didn’t care!

Tonight I’ll keep him in his room and pray that he keeps calm. I didn’t realise that me pretending to put his tablet on is prob making it worse so thank you @SummerHouse

I think his crying and tantrums really trigger me. As a child I was taught that crying was bad, so I never know how to deal with it with my son. I just try to prevent it as quick as I can

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Rosesareyellow · 03/10/2021 14:07

I know it’s also not nice to see him upset but crying at three and a half is not the same as crying as young toddler - a young toddler may not understand why you are asking them to do something, so they cry out of confusion and genuine upset and that can be tough to watch. A three year old will cry out of anger and frustration because they are not getting their way - see it for what it is, you don’t need to feel bad. If he cried because you insisted he can’t sleep in the tumble dryer you wouldn’t feel bad an give in would you? Getting up at three to play on a tablet is not a much more reasonable idea in my opinion (at least in the tumble dryer he’d still get some sleep 🤷‍♀️)

Mumsnut · 03/10/2021 14:12

Can you make up a little bed on the floor of your room and tell him he is welcome to drift in in the night to sleep there? It worked for a friend of mine.

Original poster
Cheesemeup · 03/10/2021 14:21

@Rosesareyellow

I know it’s also not nice to see him upset but crying at three and a half is not the same as crying as young toddler - a young toddler may not understand why you are asking them to do something, so they cry out of confusion and genuine upset and that can be tough to watch. A three year old will cry out of anger and frustration because they are not getting their way - see it for what it is, you don’t need to feel bad. If he cried because you insisted he can’t sleep in the tumble dryer you wouldn’t feel bad an give in would you? Getting up at three to play on a tablet is not a much more reasonable idea in my opinion (at least in the tumble dryer he’d still get some sleep 🤷‍♀️)
He definitely knows how to pull on my heart strings. He used to sleep great till the past year.

I’d happily let him sleep in the tumble dryer if that meant he slept 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesemeup · 03/10/2021 14:21

@Mumsnut

Can you make up a little bed on the floor of your room and tell him he is welcome to drift in in the night to sleep there? It worked for a friend of mine.
I’m not sure if that would work. He’s a bit behind with his speech so it’s hard to try and explain stuff to him.
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3teens2cats · 03/10/2021 14:23

Can you remember being small and waking up in the night? It's dark and quiet, you feel very alone and even though you know you are safe it doesn't feel that way? You have got into bad habits and you know that but just leaving him alone to cry doesn't feel right. No tablet, no snacks but stay with him, or try an audio book on quietly.

MuchTooTired · 03/10/2021 14:25

I’d try a stair gate and hope he’s not a climber! Sometimes my DS wakes and I’ll sleep in with him, sometimes he’ll play with his toys and settle himself down. DD however, she’s a climber…!

BasementIdeas · 03/10/2021 14:26

Have you got a gro clock? I found something very visual helped. So blue was night time which means no snacks / iPad etc. when it goes yellow then it’s daytime - makes it something tangible rather than arbitrary in his mind. Definitely agree that you shouldn’t pretend to be putting iPad on, that just teaches him that it’s ok to play on iPad in the night

Leftphalange · 03/10/2021 14:39

Explain to him that you are not giving him what he wants tonight and that's its bedtime. It'll be really tough the first couple of nights because he's got what he wants for so long that he'll be confused. You'll need to be really strong and stick with it and be consistent, and be prepared for it to be awful at first

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 03/10/2021 14:45

I would go cold Turkey on the tablet during the day and completely wean him off it.

PeonyTime · 03/10/2021 14:45

You say behind with speech, but is he behind with understanding?

Way before bedtime tonight, you tell him the tablets dont work overnight, so you are going to leave them all downstairs every night from now on. And snacks arent until after breakfast.
And that he need to stay in his room quietly until 6 (or maybe even 5 to start with) am. And you need a way to tell him that's the time - so either a groclock, or a sunrise light, or a nightlight on a timer that comes on in the hall, or anything else you think will work.

You say he sleeps well for everyone else. Is there another adult in the house? In which case, they gave yo deal with 3am for a few days.

Original poster
Cheesemeup · 03/10/2021 15:10

@MuchTooTired

I’d try a stair gate and hope he’s not a climber! Sometimes my DS wakes and I’ll sleep in with him, sometimes he’ll play with his toys and settle himself down. DD however, she’s a climber…!
I had a gate but it’s not on. If I ever closed it he would have a full on meltdown and shake it that much it starts to come off
OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesemeup · 03/10/2021 15:11

@BasementIdeas

Have you got a gro clock? I found something very visual helped. So blue was night time which means no snacks / iPad etc. when it goes yellow then it’s daytime - makes it something tangible rather than arbitrary in his mind. Definitely agree that you shouldn’t pretend to be putting iPad on, that just teaches him that it’s ok to play on iPad in the night
He did have a groclock a while ago but he didn’t really understand, I’m not sure he would now. When he wakes up at 4am and says he wants tablet/snack etc I tell him it’s night time, I’ve showed him it’s dark outside but he just isn’t interested
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Original poster
Cheesemeup · 03/10/2021 15:13

@PeonyTime

You say behind with speech, but is he behind with understanding?

Way before bedtime tonight, you tell him the tablets dont work overnight, so you are going to leave them all downstairs every night from now on. And snacks arent until after breakfast.
And that he need to stay in his room quietly until 6 (or maybe even 5 to start with) am. And you need a way to tell him that's the time - so either a groclock, or a sunrise light, or a nightlight on a timer that comes on in the hall, or anything else you think will work.

You say he sleeps well for everyone else. Is there another adult in the house? In which case, they gave yo deal with 3am for a few days.

When I try to talk to him about bedtime he just ignores me, starts talking about something else. He’s a complete contrast to my eldest who at this age had great speech and understanding

I’m not with his dad anymore. His dad has always maintained his boundaries with him so he sleeps great there. If he sleeps at grandparents he sleeps great. He does share with his sister at his dads so I’m not sure if that helps him? But then saying that, we went on holiday and he shared with his sister and still woke up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesemeup · 03/10/2021 15:14

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

I would go cold Turkey on the tablet during the day and completely wean him off it.
I really wish I’d never got him one. Even in the car he screams for tablet or my phone to watch YouTube and because it stops the screaming whilst I’m trying to drive I just gave in
OP posts:
SummerHouse · 03/10/2021 17:29

I think maybe the easier option is to take the tablet away all together. You are battling day and night over it. If you get rid of it you will have a painful few days but then it will probably be easier. Also hide your phone.

That said, best of luck whatever you do. Make the choices best for you. Be kind to yourself. You are a good mum whose been worn down by circumstances and we have probably all been there to a certain extent and made choices that are easier in the short term. Especially if it just buys you even a scrap more sleep!!

Flowers
NoKnit · 03/10/2021 18:48

I agree on the getting rid of tablet altogether. It will help no end

Original poster
Cheesemeup · 04/10/2021 09:17

Update :

My DS usually goes on his tablet before we go up to start bedtime routine. Last night he didn’t, he had a long bath and then we read a few stories then I sat with him whilst he fell asleep. He then woke up at 2am , went straight back to sleep. 5am wake up, wanted tablet, my bed, toilet, biscuit, crisps…I refused and said I would only stay with him if he was laid down and quiet. Spent an hour taking him back to bed and he finally fell back asleep at 640am until 740am. I am feeling determined!! There was a few times when I nearly caved at one of his requests but I stuck to my guns !hopefully tonight he will sleep through or take less time to go back to sleep

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SummerHouse · 04/10/2021 10:19

Oh my you have absolutely aced it. Parenting high five to you! This is short term pain for long term gain. Stay strong and be proud of yourself. FlowersCake

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 04/10/2021 11:36

Well done op!
It's hard but stuck to your guns

Leftphalange · 04/10/2021 12:13

Well done! Keep at it, tough for the first couple of nights and then it'll be easier

elenacampana · 04/10/2021 12:58

How fantastic! Well done to you :-)