Inappropriate comments from Mum re my MH and other stuff.

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

I have every recently been diagnosed with depression due to a family relationship breakdown and just started on sertraline. ( Not my mum or DH )

In the meantime I have also done my back in again which has been painful. And I am recovering from recent surgery. So a lot going on.

Elderly mum phoned yesterday. Immediately asked how I was so I decided to tell her , she knew about the surgery , nothing else.

Her response to me saying that I had depression was to tell me that I seemed ok to her and then just changed the subject! No sympathy, no acknowledgement, nothing! I nearly put the phone down at that point.

Then asked about medication I was on and changed subject again , this time about my son. He is recently unemployed and is looking for work .( preferably where he could to get a skill) It’s tough but I think he will get something soon. He lives with his partner of 7 years , she has significant MH issues so he is also her carer.

Parents had recently sent him details of a company with vacancies ( in my Dads line of work not his - he would be an apprentice which may be relevant) but they are all too far away and he would have to move far away. I pointed this out , Mums response “ well it’s not as though he’s got any ties- he’s not married or anything! “ I felt obliged to tell her he loved his partner , had lived with her for a long time and him moving on his own was not negotiable and I didn’t think that his partner would react well to change at the moment. “

For a second time I felt like putting the phone down.

Then she says “ well you don’t seem very communicative today so I suppose we had better call it a day” I am still reeling from the first 2 things.

She changes the subject again to something else and then says “Well poor old 2beesDH has got a load on his hands then”

I finally felt able to say “bye Mum” and put the phone down .

I think I was probably being unreasonable not putting the phone down after the first issue or is my MH just clouding things?

Oh dear probably confused the voting.

YANBU - your mum was out of order stop speaking ASAP.
YABU - your MH is clouding your judgement.

I can't put into words what i mean but it has been my experience that many parents have difficulty understanding it when children (even grown adult children) have mental health struggles. I've seen it happen to many of my friends and even myself. During phone call conversations or face to face conversations, a mental health issue will be brought up by the child and the parent will change the subject completely! I wonder of on some level the parent takes it as a slight against them personally and is offended?

YANBU. Your Mum asked how you were, how things were going then shot you down. She also said your son has no ties when he very clearly does

I'd cut contact or just go minimum contact for a while if she's gonna be like that. It's horrible when people invalidate other's struggles or when they try and butt in and take charge

I hope you feel better soon lovey. All the best to you xx

I think some of the older generation just lack empathy full stop. Maybe it's because they have gone through hard times and see our struggles as minor in comparison, I really don't know. My dad is similar, he will sometimes just laugh inappropriately and offer no empathy. I remember a time that sticks in my mind when I had just had my fourth baby and she was born with hip dysplasia and had to go into a harness for 23 hours a day which meant she was in a fixed position as a newborn.It was a shock, I had 3 little boys under seven and my mum who normally helped me out was in bed with depression. When my dad came to see newborn dd trussed up in a harness, he just shrugged and said " well it's got to be done ". No kind words such as " it must have been a shock for you " or " how are you coping" or even "poor little thing, looks uncomfortable for her ". It upset me as there was no acknowledgement of how difficult our situation was at all. Numerous times since when things have been difficult he has said similar, he just seems to lack any emotion around things . So no YANBU. I hope things improve for you soon.

My elderly mum would not have understood MH so discussing it would be setting myself up for a fail. She is from a generation where you just got on with it so has no point of reference to relate it to. You are unlikely to be able to educate her so the topic is probably best avoided with her and support obtained elsewhere.

Actually my mum was a volunteer counsellor on the phone for years for Mind ! Admittedly about 20 years ago. I had forgotten that before I read the last comment. Sorry to drip feed!