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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is taking the piss over house costs?

86 replies

LurkioJr · 03/10/2021 10:47

NB Edited for clarity and traffic:

Please help me with this one. My partner and I had a serious disagreement about money yesterday. We have been together for 8 years. Last June we transferred my house into joint names. I had 40k of equity and he paid 16k for an uneven share. He didn’t pay for half because (my recollection) he said he didn’t have 20k of ready cash. His recollection- he offered to pay 20k for half and I said no because it would clean him out. I then spent 23k on home improvements; he contributed about 2k for sundries e.g flooring, lights. He received a redundancy package of 35k in December and found a new job in March. At the time we put the house into joint names he earned 65k and I earned 40k, now we both earn about 50k. The final renovation we needed for the house was a new bathroom cost 9k. We agreed to pay half each. I have about 20k in savings mixture of cash and shares. It now transpires that he has 70k in cash and shares. 35k of that was the redundancy package; the other 35k he must have had at the time we agreed the house transfer. He thinks our deal last June was fair; I feel taken advantage of. I’ve asked him to pay me the 4K equity shortfall and to pay the whole cost of the bathroom renovations which he’s agreed to. It’s not a full 50/50 split of the total cost of the renovations but I think it will iron out in time because I’ll be asking him to foot the bill every time we need something for the house for the foreseeable future! AIBU to think he took the piss last June?

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 03/10/2021 11:15

*has

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 03/10/2021 11:15

Op, the thing is this one bad incident, deception, is a pretty big one and doesn't bode well for future planning. Did you have plans for a family? Have you discussed financies in that situation?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 03/10/2021 11:15

Surely he owes you 4K and half the renovations?

rainyskylight · 03/10/2021 11:18

I would feel extremely hard done by and be reconsidering the relationship.

Original poster
LurkioJr · 03/10/2021 11:18

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 think you’re absolutely right. We’ve agreed how to fix it and we’ll get over it. I don’t think he’s a lying shit I just think we didn’t make sure we each had full information, and given that we’re both lawyers and would have a fit if a client did the same…. Shows you how being in a couple changes your approach to stuff. Thank you mumsnetters!

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 03/10/2021 11:22

So you're a solicitor, but didn't legally ring fence your unequal share of the property? You did it informally instead? Why did you do that?

burnoutbabe · 03/10/2021 11:22

Well you have a deed of trust over the uneven share of the deposit so he does not owe you £4k for that.

But he should pay 50-50 for any refurbs.

It's the lying about his assets I'd not get passed. Financially it seems to be covered.

KingdomScrolls · 03/10/2021 11:24

The 4k equity wouldn't be my issue or would be trust you paid 23k on renovations for a joint asset while he sat on at least 35k and kept that from you!

Teeturtle · 03/10/2021 11:24

What you both earned in the past and what you earn now is not relevant. Neither is what savings either of you hold elsewhere. What matters is what you both put into the house and what your ownership shares are, which you are not clear on.

WhenPushComesToShove · 03/10/2021 11:24

He has lied/mislead and deceived you. He clearly doesn't respect you and neither should he as you have chosen to accept this is ok.my advice would be protect yourself very carefully for the future.

Original poster
LurkioJr · 03/10/2021 11:26

Yes renovations much needed- shitty interior from the 80s , needed a rewire, new kitchen, new windows. Also installed a patio.

OP posts:
pianolessons1 · 03/10/2021 11:30

@LurkioJr

For clarity: we are both solicitors so didn’t feel the need to use an independent lawyer.
🤦‍♀️
FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 03/10/2021 11:30

@LurkioJr as I see it, the big problem here is your mindsets.

You went in thinking, “this will give us a joint asset, make him/both more committed to a joint future and is a step towards more togetherness in future, possibly joining finances, marriage, children etc”. With that mindset in your mind, you seem to have approached it generously, giving him a £16k share for £16k (although not formally, because you presumably trust him and want to build a life with him) and you then spent a further £26k of money of which he didn’t match, leaving aside the later £9k that he might pay for now. Presumably you spent all that money again as you thought it was an investment in your joint future, the same way you don’t (or shouldn’t!) ask your husband to repay you for the milk you bought for them, but you would be well within your rights to ask a flatmate to do so.

So far, ok.

But the current uncovering of his financial position shows his thinking loud and clear. He didn’t give you the full picture on his finances to let you make a decision about the ‘relationship discount’ you were giving him, he only said enough to let you know in broad brush strokes that he was ‘slimy’ or not. He then saw you spend all the money and didn't offer to contribute, even though you spending £23k as presumably improved and increased his asset as well. And finally, he continued to build savings at your expense without you knowing about it.

Who was going to fund him when he was possibly out of work?!?

Regardless, it doesn’t appear that his mindset was one of an eight year relationship, moving closer and looking at building a joint financial one. It looks like he was business minded and came out of it extremely well. Can I criticise him for that? Not really - you should have been equally as business minded and not so hasty to give away or dilute your largest asset!

Overall though, if the man I loved and had been with for 8 years did this, I wouldn’t trust that he thought we had a future together. I would insist on buying back my £16k equity and sole ownership of the property, and once I had secured that, I would quietly think and assess the whole relationship. Maybe he is fine and it’s just this one bad thing. But on the other hand, maybe you always paid the mortgage and he just did half bills. Maybe you always bought the cushions or the new linen for the bed. Maybe you always buy the groceries, and you just haven’t noticed how YOU are always giving and contributing and he is always holding back and taking.

COOKFORD · 03/10/2021 11:31

Wait I am lost,so he is agreeing to pay the 4 grand equity and the 4.5 for the bathroom ? But why aren't you getting him to pay half of the 23k now you did for the renovations? Also call me stupid but what does equity mean?

torquewench · 03/10/2021 11:32

@LurkioJr

Joint tenants (for the sake of ease if one of us died), informal but documented agreement for uneven split of equity. I generally trust him, he’s very loyal and kind if a bit of a grumpy northerner. I’m feeling pretty bad about posting this now, he’s not nearly as much of a p*ick as this incident makes him out to be!
"Informal but documented agreement" I take it you don't do property or family law for a living?
FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 03/10/2021 11:32

Not ‘slimy’, should have been ‘slimy’ ! Although I guess both work well🤣

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/10/2021 11:33

I'm not sure why you put half of it it his name, that was pretty dumb - sorry but you've just given half your security to someone who is now clearly gaslighting you.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 03/10/2021 11:35

Also I agree with @torquewench, don’t be one of those solicitors! Get the thing done properly. No one every thinks they will split or that the other side won’t honour they agreement, but as solicitors we see it all the time. You know this! Get it formalised properly!

MinnieMountain · 03/10/2021 11:37

That’s the risk when you dabble in an area that’s not your specialism unfortunately.

Original poster
LurkioJr · 03/10/2021 11:40

I’m a family lawyer and I’m also an optimist! (1) I didn’t want to feel shitty/ businessy about our long-standing relationship, (2) it was only 4K (3) in the event of a real, court based disagreement informal agreements carry considerable weight especially between unmarried partners (4) we’d been together for 8 years, I thought I had been given a clear picture of his finances, it didn’t feel important (yes I know how ridiculous that sounds will full 20/20 hindsight vision)

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 03/10/2021 11:41

@burnoutbabe

Well you have a deed of trust over the uneven share of the deposit so he does not owe you £4k for that.

But he should pay 50-50 for any refurbs.

It's the lying about his assets I'd not get passed. Financially it seems to be covered.

Does the op have a deed of trust? I missed that.

She said it was informally documented, which isn't a deed of trust.

Bounce55 · 03/10/2021 11:41

Lol @ 'grumpy northerner'

HalzTangz · 03/10/2021 11:42

Surely, if you want to make it a genuine 50/50 split, the below needs to happen

He pays the 4k equity

He pays half of the 23k spend

He pays half the 9k bathroom.

Total 20k

Then going forward he pays half of everything

Suzi888 · 03/10/2021 11:42

As long he puts things right now, I’d let it go…. But I’d be very careful in future!

PomPomSugar · 03/10/2021 11:45

So, essentially, you have given him half of your home for £16k regardless of what the current equity is. You have an unregistered declaration of trust but are formally registered as joint tenants. In my opinion, this is a silly thing to do!