AIBU to ask how ADHD parents host a play date?

[onlineschoolmum]

DS (10) possibly has ADHD. Just in the process of being investigated.

One of the reasons he’s being investigated is his social skills in comparison with his peers. He’s a bit immature and silly. Tends to make silly jokes or rush around all excited, rather than focus on a task / game with his mates. He can also be moody with his friends when they don’t do what he wants, or adapt a game where the rules have been already agreed. Friends obviously don’t like this.

Previous play dates I’ve hosted were pre-COVID, when he was 8 and it was less obvious he struggled. I’m hosting a play date over half term and wondered how to do it? Would be 3 hours and include lunch.

Previously I’ve had a task for kids to do (e.g. a model to make that is homework) as then I can supervise and also means less rushing around by DS and more focus.

Is that still ok at 10?? I feel I should be letting the apron strings go a bit but don’t want it all to end in disaster and DS lose a relatively new friend (started the school this year, likely to go to same secondary).

Or I could do an afternoon outside somewhere (again, worked well previously) but don’t know friend’s mum and how she’d feel about either coming with us, or me driving her son in my car (wouldn’t be far - 2 miles to most age appropriate playground).

Any advice anyone can offer much appreciated.

Watching with interest.
I suspect DD has ADHD and on the very long road for an assessment.
She is 7 and I find play dates are quite fraught though can sometimes go well.
I feel that even 7 / 8 they sort of need to find a way to navigate social situations themselves though it is tempting to intervene and organise.
No real advice to be honest just putting my hand up to say I feel your pain.

My dd has ADHD (and ASD) and I certainly wouldn't set up any structured activities at that age. I'd take them to the park so they can both burn off some steam and do things separately if necessary. Unless you have driving convictions or some other issue I would be totally fine with someone driving my child down the road.

You sound like you have handled in all really well in the past. Your son has a mother who really understands him.

I do think an afternoon out sounds like the easiest option and it’s also an opportunity to see for yourself how they get on and then you can plan better for a home play date the next time. She’s more likely to agree to,it if it’s something organised rather than the park I think, although she might be fine with the park too.

I’d try and get her number and text her something like ‘I’ve got some passes to the climbing wall so I was wondering whether Felix might like to do that with John on Thursday’

I think I would try to break it down into sections. An activity with just both two of them, then one downstairs with you around then another one with you not so involved.

Maybe the one with you could be making their own pizzas. Then it feels more natural that you are ‘running’ it.

Could you get a new Lego set for them to build?

Going out works best - soft play, playground, swimming pool with inflatables, laser quest. Generally hurling around type activities. But once medicated, this all becomes much easier.

I agree that going out is usually the best option. Neutral territory means there is less chance of ‘disagreements’ over certain possessions or playing a certain way. Also more space to run around. Having said this my child is very good at 1:1 play dates at home these days and has reciprocal invitations. (And as PP said, yes medication helps).

Yes - go outside or go climbing somewhere - I agree with the poster who said you really understand your son.

I would only have one friend at a time. Never more than that.

Yes take them out I think.

Thanks all.

I would usually go out but it is first time I’ve had a play date with this friend and I expect mum of friend will feel a bit uncertain leaving an unknown person be in charge of their child at a trampoline park. Or am I overthinking? Also, would mean I maybe couldn’t provide lunch - would have to get at the trampoline park, which might be off- putting. Or am I over thinking again?!

Finally, do you admit upfront to parents of friends that your child has ADHD (which might frighten them off) or not? I haven’t before, but have noticed that DS gets invited back for one play date and then never again, so obviously something goes wrong and parents too polite to tell me!

I'd actually invite the mum somewhere the kids can go off a bit but you can make a mum friend and she's then still responsible for her child. My DC (both autistic) love going to National Trust gardens/grounds. That way you can get a cup of tea and cake with the mum while your children play at a manageable distance (climb a tree, kick a ball around, etc).

My DS has ASD (HFA) and is 8. He has fairly frequent play dates here and at his friend’s house. I just leave them to it, provide food and drink and that’s it.

They usually want to play Nintendo or get Alexa to play music and dance about like loons.