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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emailing the school

37 replies

spaceghetto · 02/10/2021 22:14

DD is in yr 3. She was a bit upset at bedtime as the boy she sits next to will often shout at her to move her book over during lessons. Would you email the class teacher about this? Not to move her but just as something to be aware of? It's upsetting her and she's not one to speak up in class.

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 02/10/2021 22:23

Definitely worth a chat with teacher. I would expect them to intervene to insist requests are made respectfully or move him.
You need to do this because if she, being all polite and calm, is being used as a buffer for a child with disruptive behaviour as part of class behaviour management she could have a long career ahead of her as verbal punch bag which, not saying it is that, but you don't want to tolerate that.

Birdkin · 02/10/2021 22:29

As a teacher, I’m always happy for parents to message when there’s an issue upsetting their child that they’re too shy to bring to themselves. I don’t want children upset in my class and it’s always better to deal with these things quickly. So definitely drop them an email.

Happylittlethoughts · 02/10/2021 22:30

I don't think I'd email about this yet. I'd try with practising some strategies for your daughter to use. Using a firm clear voice back, hand ✋ etc. Writing a note to the teacher if she is shy about speaking. etc. Practising these will be good primary school life skills.
Obviously monitor the situation.
Also teach her the Golden Rule of desk sharing... make a line down the middle with rulers and complain bitterly when an elbow crosses it.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 02/10/2021 22:31

No I wouldn’t, my child often says other children shout at him or are bossy, I would be emailing the teacher every week!

SionnachRua · 02/10/2021 22:34

I think I'd ask the teacher for their perspective on it. Maybe your child is sprawling into the other child's space? If so, is that something you can work on at home? Or perhaps they are working with the boy already on appropriate vocal volume and tone. Be aware that you may be getting a very one sided version of the story.

YourFinestPantaloons · 02/10/2021 22:35

I think a time comes when you have to tell children they need to learn to stand up for themselves. I think that is far more appropriate than telling the teacher.

On the flip side, if she is hogging the desk space that's very annoying.

RobertaFirmino · 02/10/2021 22:37

@YourFinestPantaloons

I think a time comes when you have to tell children they need to learn to stand up for themselves. I think that is far more appropriate than telling the teacher.

On the flip side, if she is hogging the desk space that's very annoying.

This, in spades. It's never too early to learn to challenge shouty males.
CoronaPeroni · 02/10/2021 22:48

I can see why you want to but probably wouldn't unless I knew for a fact the shouting was unwarranted. If he is shouting then surely the teacher will be aware? I agree it's not nice if someone gets cross with you but is she causing it, ie is in his space?

converseandjeans · 02/10/2021 22:48

I don't see a problem with emailing - how can the teacher know if DD is too shy to say? Maybe the teacher can change seating plan.

PeachesPumpkin · 02/10/2021 22:50

I wouldn’t.

Rajono · 02/10/2021 22:54

I do think its hard, because you don't like seeing them upset, but they do have to learn to stand up for themselves. I would have a chat with her, and tell her to tell the boy not to talk to her like that as its not kind, and if it still continues, then you can talk to the teacher

Brightbluebell · 02/10/2021 22:54

I’m a headteacher. Email the school. We can only intervene if we know. There is absolute nothing wrong with informing schools about this type of thing: in classes of 30+, teachers will not always be able to notice this type of behaviour and they will want to know.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/10/2021 23:00

Shouting is disruptive and no way the teacher could miss it. I'd expect the teacher was already dealing with it if the child was shouting in class. I'd try to get DD to speak to the teacher herself. I'd probably also email to find out what's actually happening in class. Is this child shouting and school is working on it or is DD perceiving something as shouting when it's not.

Boredhimtodeath · 02/10/2021 23:11

I would email and ask her teacher to talk to your DD about it to increase her confidence in speaking up. I think it is important she knows she doesn’t deserve shouting at no matter the situation and that she will be offered support when she needs it. If she is sprawling her teacher will look out for it and notice and be able to speak to her, if she isn’t and she is next to an unkind boy then her teacher can step in and offer her support.

CraftyGin · 02/10/2021 23:13

How about telling your DD to keep her book in her own space?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/10/2021 23:21

It really depends on the kid. I know mine can be a bit annoying, so when she complains I always ask what happened before, how , what was said etc. Sometimes she's entirely blameless, other times she isn't so we talk about how it might seem from the other kid's perspective. Sometimes I tell her she must tell the teacher , sometimes I do it myself.

She also used to be painfully shy and not wanting to get in trouble/disrupt so she wouldn't say anything especially during quiet time, even when she was being hurt. I did go in then and talked to the teacher and the head and the head gave her permission to speak up at all times. It was a pretty serious incident tbh.

You know your kid best, we can't possibly judge if she's a desk hogger, a kid being shouted at and disrupted for no reason or if she can actually speak up for herself.

2tired2bewitty · 02/10/2021 23:28

Is one of them left handed and so moving their books in the opposite direction to the other? It might be quickly fixed by then swapping seats.

Ki0612 · 03/10/2021 00:19

Is ur child or the other child left handed I've had to change seating plans to have left handed children at edges so they aren't getting bashed.

BoredZelda · 03/10/2021 09:35

Or, she could move her book.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/10/2021 09:38

@BoredZelda

Or, she could move her book.
Yeah! We don't even need to know is she is hogging the desk, she's female, so must be in the wrong!

OP - ask the teacher to keep an eye on them, see who is being unreasonable and find a way to sort it out. It's part and parcel of teaching that age group, and for them to learn to share school space properly.

MargaretThursday · 03/10/2021 09:40

If he's shouting at her then the teacher must be aware.

cherrypiepie · 03/10/2021 10:14

No one should go to bed upset by something that happened during their day let alone a small child. I would defiantly email (and I'm quite shocked that so many people are saying to teach her to deal with it herself)

My mum never contacted the school about anything and I was to shy to deal with anything and too polite so I just had to suck up whatever was upsetting me.

If some one was shouting at me I wouldn't retaliate even now as it will just make them angry.

Anyway yes email stick up for her - no one else will. A politely worded email with no need for the teacher to reply will be welcomed (also a teacher albeit secondary).

starfishmummy · 03/10/2021 10:30

He shouldn't be shouting, surely the teacher is aware of that?

But is she actually spreading into his space - or is he just being annoying?

But if the teacher doesn't know then they can't see if there is a genuine problem.

BikeRunSki · 03/10/2021 10:32

Is either child left handed?!

Evesgarden · 03/10/2021 10:34

@BoredZelda

Or, she could move her book.
Fuck sake. Yeah its obviously her fault....

OP I would speak to the teacher about it yes. She told you, do something about it.