To ask how you discipline your children?

AhNowTed · 02/10/2021 20:02

"Plays parents off against each other"

You need to fix this first. A 4 year old shouldn't be ABLE to do this.

Present a united front.

Pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff.

Once you draw a boundary, follow through without fail.

SylvanasWindrunner · 02/10/2021 20:09

I'd do the opposite of whatever I was doing at the moment as it clearly isn't working

I really like Janet Lansbury's book about disciplining toddlers/preschool children. I think the biggest thing is not to lose control - there's a line in her book about pretending you are a CEO, which I think of sometimes when I might otherwise get annoyed and shout. How to Talk so Little Kids listen is good too.

What is the current parenting 'philosophy'/approach being used ?

mayblossominapril · 02/10/2021 20:12

123 magic works well on my 4 year old

Autumngoldleaf · 02/10/2021 20:16

Sounds like a hell of a lot of stuff going on for the child.

Are there any sensory issues triggering the child!

Forget the child is naughty this is the wrong route, most dc start to want to please their dp and be good so why doesn't this child want too. What's stopping this usual reaction?

Have the parents fallen into the trap of continually telling the child they are naughty? What an adult says the child becomes?

Do they praise good things?.. Have they ruled out sensory issues autism.. Bullying.

Remember sometimes a child can act out when they are traumatised? Years ago a mn said her dd was behaving strangely and it turned out boys in the playground were bullying her abs showing her their privates.. Is child being bullied, home or school... Abused?

Wolfiefan · 02/10/2021 20:16

Spoilt? The parents need to change.
Stubborn and strong willed. Don’t butt heads with the child. Work with them. Be a team.
Stop asking repeatedly. Ask. Allow take up time. Then consequence.
Not scared of authority? I don’t want my kids scared of me.

Autumngoldleaf · 02/10/2021 20:18

Another times it transpired the child had recently divorced dp and was suddenly living between two parents half the week and they expected a small dc to just fall in with this and no emotions trauma

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/10/2021 20:27

@cammy1188

How would you/do you deal with a 3/4 year old who’s behaviour is appalling?

Shouting at parents - not scared of authority
Horrible to other children - bullying behaviour
Needs physically manhandling to go to preschool on occasion or other places they don’t want to go
Utterly defiant - continues with bad behaviour when asked repeatedly to stop
Plays parents off against each other
Spoilt
Stubborn
Strong willed

The list goes on….

Asking for a friend!

Well about the only good thing on this list is that a parent is realising they need help parenting. Children copy their parents so shouting at the parents is learned by the parent shouting at the child. Physically manhandling the child against their consent leads to the child physically manhandling other smaller children, aka bullying.

Your friend needs to stop shouting, stop physically manhandling and start talking to their child. Even a two year old can be reasoned with. I had a DC with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and two other DC with ASD, so i know difficult children.

Bad behaviour- intervene and distract or remove the temptation. Most bad behaviour is a cry for attention because parents are ignoring their child. As in looking at their phone constantly.

Refusing to go somewhere- ask why then fix, give options, bargain, in some cases delay for another day.

whentheearthchanged · 02/10/2021 20:28

I'd smack them personally

Original poster

cammy1188 · 02/10/2021 20:29

Thanks everyone

The child’s DF works away 80% of the time. This is a new thing and has triggered even worse behaviour (but it was already very bad!)

OP posts:

whentheearthchanged · 02/10/2021 20:30

@whentheearthchanged

I'd smack them personally

Kidding obviously

Evesgarden · 02/10/2021 20:34

Assuming the child is NT is the parents that have to change their behaviour - which is often too hard to swallow.

Both parents need to back each other up and be a united front/on the same page with parenting styles/methods of discipline.

Is he getting enough sleep?
Is he spending too much times on screens? What is his behaviour like when he has been on screens? behaviour often improves in small children when screens are taken away completely.
What is he eating? Does he have a lot of sweets/food with additives?
Does he get enough physical exercise?
What type of outdoor play does he do? Does he get the chance to go out exploring/getting muddy/blow off steam?
Do they read to him at bed time? Do they have quiet time with him to speak about his day with out interruptions?
How much time do they spend cuddling/telling him they love him?

A family member of mine was labelled a naughty kid since he was 4 when really it was just really shit parenting, his parents allowed him to sit on a screen/games all day and eat shit. Then he was usually brain fried and acted out appallingly at home and at school. He is still the same now and just gone in to secondary who have already got a thick file on him sent from his previous primary.

For me this lad is struggling and needs both his parents to sit down and maybe even listen to parenting podcasts to get some ideas and plan together how they are going to change things.

He needs firm but fair boundaries.
Love bombing
Tiring out and a slow wind down with stories and cuddle in bed and a cuddle the minute he gets out of bed in the morning.
More love bombing.
Talking with him about how to treat other people and how he makes them feel. Drawing pictures together of faces with emotions on and discussing what could cause those emotions. Does he feel those emotions/do his fiends feel those emotions when he is not kind to them
More love bombing
Plenty of quiet time colouring/drawing/playdough
Trying some kids yoga there are some brilliant children yoga vids on YouTube

There are some fantastic children books on Amazon that are aimed at children to teach them kindness /not hurting peopleect.. These can be read at bed time whilst having cuddles. There are also some great parenting and positive discipline books too. But the parents really need to look inward at their own behaviours first to fix this.

shouldistop · 02/10/2021 20:35

The child sounds quite unhappy tbh. That's quite extreme for a pre-schooler so I'd find out if there's something else going on.
Are they eating and sleeping enough?
Love bomb with plenty of positive attention, affection and praise for even the smallest good behaviour.
Strong boundaries, decide what you won't put up with and what the consequences are and stick to it.
Natural consequences are best. So misbehaving at soft play or park gets a clear warning, get down to their level and tell them if they do it once more then you will go home and follow through.

milkytwilightt · 02/10/2021 20:36

Shouting at parents - not scared of authority I wouldn’t want my child to be scared of authority. I’d ask why they felt the need to shout, if they were feeling unheard and try and listen to what they should say.

Horrible to other children - bullying behaviour How are the bullying? A child won’t bully unless there’s a reason, especially not one this young.

Needs physically manhandling to go to preschool on occasion or other places they don’t want to go I’d explore why they don’t want to go to these places. Manhandling will not make it any easier on the child. If you can find a pattern of why they don’t want to go to places then work through that.

Utterly defiant - continues with bad behaviour when asked repeatedly to stop explain to them why they are being asked to stop. Understand why they’re displaying the bad behaviour and give them an alternative to help release the emotions without harming themselves or others.

Plays parents off against each other a 3/4 year old should not be able to do this. That’s the parents issue.

Spoilt once again, the parents problem.

Stubborn give them their own choices, out of 2-3 appropriate choices. Listen to them, what is it they’re being stubborn about?.

Strong willed I wouldn’t want to change this. To make them feel they have more control I’d give them options so they feel more in controls

thinkbiglittleone · 02/10/2021 20:36

Shouting at parents - not scared of authority
You don't want them scared, you want them to respect authority and not want to upset their parents. If you have a good bond with a child they ultimately won't want you sad or hurt.

Horrible to other children - bullying behaviour
Place them away from the child they are harming, in their room.

Needs physically manhandling to go to preschool on occasion or other places they don’t want to go

Are they being given enough time to get ready without being rushed and stressed out ? What is the punishment for this ?

Utterly defiant - continues with bad behaviour when asked repeatedly to stop

Why are they being repeatedly asked, surely it's twice and then the consequence is enforced ? Are they doing this.

Plays parents off against each other
Parents need to change, this shouldn't be possible

Spoilt
Parents need to change how they give their child things or treat their child. What are these children getting rewarded for,

Stubborn
That's not necessarily something that needs to be stopped, but worked with and managed by their parents.

Strong willed
This is not a bad thing if used correctly. I think strong willed is a good thing, don't break their spirit, teach them how to use it positively

Kanaloa · 02/10/2021 20:38

To be honest the child doesn’t need fixing here. The parent does.

A 3 year old isn’t spoiled or defiant, just poorly parented. Perhaps it would help your friend to reframe this as ‘I have allowed my child to xyz’ rather than ‘my child is awful.’

Other than that, I am a fan of calm parenting. I wouldn’t expect my child to be scared of authority figures and think it’s a bit odd to expect that. I try to explain everything we do in a calm way, so I would not shout ‘no we don’t touch the tv.’ Instead I would take their hand, say ‘it’s dangerous to touch the tv in case it falls’ and lead them away to do something else.

The fact is if you’re sitting around repeatedly asking them to stop something of course they will continue - they have your attention. I wouldn’t give repeated chances to stop, just lead away and start playing with something/doing something else.

ParkheadParadise · 02/10/2021 20:42

@whentheearthchanged

I'd smack them personally

I'd use my slipper *@whentheearthchanged*

Kidding obviously 😜😜😜

JoborPlay · 02/10/2021 21:04

For young kids, for me it was more about anticipating the issues. Monitor their emotions and redirect, intervene and deflect before they get worked up. Also really important to have age and stage appropriate expectations - not what I think they should be capable of but what they actually are capable of with regards to their executive functioning. I also take care to monitor my own triggers and manage my reactions to their behaviour. I try and see behaviour as a symptom of a problem, fix the problem, fix the behaviour. Obviously this isn't always possible to do (wants to run in the road etc) so I empathize, monitor and wait for the anger/ frustration to pass. When behaviour is bad I tend to follow natural consequences - take too long to do X or Y then we have less time to do the fun thing. If I need to be ready for a certain time though I intervene more such as getting them dressed (a 4yo is very unlikely to have any concept of how fast or slow they are getting dressed). I remove them from situations and then explain why, I give them multiple opportunities to change their behaviour by taking them back, but don't do the if you do that again I'll...thing - I just remove. We don't do time out, but we do remove them and sit them with us, talk about why they are behaving that way and what we can do differently to get a need met. Obviously at first these 'conversations' are very one sided, particularly when DC can't talk! But now at 5, DS can engage well with them.

Obviously there are times when we need to remain at whatever we're doing or they must behave in certain ways and then we resort to electronics and bribery!

VestaTilley · 02/10/2021 21:07

Do they have any SEN? Have they been tested for SEN?

What’s the family dynamic at home? Are both parents there and engaged, loving, interested?

I’d want to rule out any abuse etc which could underly the behaviour, and see what their diet/bedtime routine is like.

If behaviour doesn’t improve from cutting screen time, sugar and putting the child to bed early I’d be consulting an educational psychologist or trained family therapist.

Simonjt · 02/10/2021 21:31

Have you gone back in time 3 years and stolen my son?!

I use a mix of therapeutic parenting and natural consequence, it works for us, hes now 6 and generally very well behaved. I’m also very consistent so my son knows what to expect, I also actively taught him the right way behave, no use saying “you can’t do that” if you don’t show/model what they can do.

They aren’t playing their parents off against each other, you as parents are doing that.