to not understand my husband.....

[Tistheseason]

Just found out this morning by mistakenly opening my husbands bank statement that he has spent £3000 on internet sex chat websites. Feel so betrayed, embarrassed, angry...god I don't know what I feel!!!! He has been a good husband and father to our 10 month old (besides the usual things like not doing enough housework etc). It has only been going on for 5 weeks he says, and he says he wanted to tell me but just couldn't. He couldn't answer me when I asked him what would've happened if I hadn't discovered his bank account! He says he has a problem and he realises it, he says he was just looking for a way to let off steam! Why the heck couldn't he go join a gym or run around the block!!!! I just don't know what to do. I want to be supportive but I feel betrayed. Sorry to rant all, I just need some kind words, and suggestions on how to handle this!

He has not spent 3 grand in 5 weeks, no way. I understand how betrayed you feel at the deception.

he'd better start looking for a Saturday job!

OMG, £3000???
Is that going to be a big problem?? I know it would in our house.
How on earth do you spend that on netsites? I'm sorry but flamin tomato is right, that hasnt been five weeks.
I don't know what to suggest tbh, it's a very personal thing to decide how you see it. For some people it would be infidelity, for others it would be the money, you just need to work out how you feel about it first I suppose.

Oh . What a horrible shock for you.

Is this completely out of the blue, or have you been aware of him having an issue with this in the past? Sometimes people turn to disfunctional sexual behaviour in the way that they might turn to alcohol or drugs as a way of dealing with stress. If he says it is a problem, is he finding himself using these sites even when he doesn't want to? (£3,000 in 5 weeks sounds like he is having problems controlling it.) Is he aware of fellowship groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous for support in stopping this kind of behaviour?

I believe there are support groups for partners of sex addicts too (if sex addiction is his problem - it may not be - I realise I am being presumptious here since I don't know either of you!!!). My DH works in the addiction recovery field so he'll know about support groups for partners - I'll ask him later.

In the meantime, I'm not surprised you are feeling all of those things. I'd be absolutely gutted in your position. Please feel free to "rant" as much as you need to

First, it's not about you.

Second, it's a good thing you opened the bank statement. Was it a total mistake or did you have an inkling?

Third, work out what you want to happen now:

How/when is this bill going to be paid?

Agreement on no more site visits/secret passwords/computer clean-up. Presumably he is wiping the history of visited sites if he is doing this at home?

If it's an addiction and it sounds as if it may be he may need professional support.

Good luck.

Thanks all.
Firstly he says it's only been going on for 5 weeks, and as the bank statement only goes to the beginning of november I can't check otherwise.
We both have the same initials so just didn't notice that there wasn't an "s" after Mr - and besides I've opened his bank statements in the past, it's not something we're precious about, I guess he just thought he'd get to it before me? Don't know, I can't speak for him really!
I didn't know anything about this at all, not even an inkling. I know he has previously watched some adult films through our sky, but as the sky bill comes out of our joint account I knew it was only one or two here and there!
Luckily the money can just about be covered because we HAD some savings...but that was for things like birthday gifts for dd next year, holiday, and a bit of upgrading on the house!
DixiePixie, would be grateful for ideas on where to go to get support. Really don't want this to break our marraige as we are happy in every other sense and have a beautiful child. But I'm scared I won't be able to understand why he has done this? I've never had any experience of anything like this before (call me sheltered ;-) so I don't even know where to begin to sort out my feelings, let alone his!
He has obviously been erasing the computer history...not that its something I would've checked because it just hasn't occured to me. Have now put a password on the computer so he can't log on without me. But I don't want to live my life being the police!
Feel like my happy healthy life has just collapsed around me, I know sounds dramatic,but that's how i feel

It doesn't sound dramatic, it sounds perfectly reasonable.
As Dixiesaid you really need to find out why he has been doing this, and exactly what it is he has been doing.
I'd sit down with him tonight and tell him you want to know everything, personally I'd want to see what went on on these sites so I could see for myself and then decide how I felt about it.
I mean you say sexchat websites, I could cope with films and stuff, but talking to other women would be harder for me to deal with, so i would want to see for myself.
I'd probably ask to see his other bank statements too so I knew if it has been going on for longer.
Just remember, this isn't the end, he is still the man you married and the man you love, so hopefully you'll be able to sort it out.

You're not being dramatic TTS - I'm not surprised you feel like this. It's a huge thing to get your head around. As soon as DH gets home I'll ask him what he knows about support groups and I'll let you know.

If this is addiction, there is help and support out there.

Sending even more

First time poster here- was moved by your story as similar has happen to me about 18 months ago.
My soon to be xh used my mobile when I was asleep to call adult services, hide post so I never got my statements and bills, and even took money out of my purse. When confronted with the evidence that I knew it was him- he denied it for weeks on end concocting ever more elaborate stories about organised crime fraudsters. I tried to help and establish why he felt the need to lie so much, and so many bills were ran up in my name that he felt no responsibility for and I am still paying for his actions even now. basically it boiled down to the fact he got a kick out of deceiving me and controling everything in my life. I let him get away with too much, blinded by love I guess. Take heart that you aren't alone.
Early confrontation would have at least told you where the money went rather than be left suspicious and in the dark.
best wishes for getting it sorted out.

I know it is hard to understand, I don't understand it either. I mentioned your situation to my dh(who is great at making light of things by the way) he laughed and said you should talk dirty to him, it will save you loads of money!

Since in every other way you are happy with your dh, I hope you manage to work through this together.
Have to say, a lot of men seem to go a bit funny in one way or another when their wife is busy with a new baby.

Tistheseason - there are two issues here, the most important being the 3 grand, THREE GRAND !!!! Secondly, the porn.

A different perspective here, and a bit of a confession. . Firstly, it is totally beyond me why your DP would have to pay for internet sex chat. I think its pretty much out there for free - i would point that out to him double quick!!!! I remember when we first got the internet and i discovered cybersex, i was pretty much addicted, honestly, the conversations i had, total strangers - mad. But it boosted my ego in a huge way, and just made me feel sexy. Why? God knows, i dont do it now, i think the novelty wore off. My partner was aware of it and was qujite happy with the fact i would be quite horny after sitting on the computor for an hour I think the point i am trying to make is, i dont think what your husband is doing is deviant in any way, i just think he has been sucked in by some dodgey website and the money got sucked away. You say, otherwise he is a good partner and father. Well, i think that is entirely possible. Whenever i was dallying around with internet sex, for me, it was total fantasy, like an outlet for my own fantasies. Its not lie we dont have a VERY imaginative sex life either, but its just somewhere to play out scenarios etc. I have never ever gone onto internet porn sites or looked at porn online. But i do understand why your husband has done this.

Lets face it, there is nothing like a baby to change how you feel about yourself sexually. It could be that your husband needs some time to adapt to being a dad.

The only advice is, keep an open mind, i would be mad as a pissed off snake about the money and you need to make it clear that is NOT acceptable, that money could have been spent on a family holiday FFS. But try not to judge the porn thing - easier said than done i know, but if you are prepared to listen and don't treat the whole thing as some sordid problem then i would like to think your DH may feel less inclined to hide things.

Don't let this come between you, he likes a bit of porn, so what, so do i - my hubby on the other hand just rolls his eyes and thinks im weird.

chugga - so sorry it has not worked out for you, and I really really hope my relationship doesn't come down to this.
LEsM - thanks for your post, and for being so honest. The more I think about it the less emphasis I think there is on the sex side of it....but the MONEY is the issue. I couldn't care less if he was chatting to some random woman to spice things up...but to spend £3000 of OUR money is what is really getting to me. But if this is a serious addiction then I'm scared I don't know how to handle it. I mean, if I just put a password on the computer so he doesn't have access, then surely he'll find some other way.....and goodness knows what trouble he could get into. I'd be terrified that he'd think he was being "cornered" into, say, using his workplace. The thing he kept saying to me on the phone this morning was that he just doesn't care about money as much as i do so he doesn't see the £3k as such a huge loss and he wouldn't have spent it if it was going to get us into trouble. HOw can i get him to understand me and why it is important to me? And he keeps missing the fact that if I hadn't found out he may have continued like this for goodness knows how long and then we seriously would be in MAJOR trouble, as it is we now have no savings left, and probably some on the credit cards!
Sigh, sorry, don't want to go on about this. So thanks everyone. And anyone with therapy suggestions please let me know. At least I have made one positive step by contacting a local relationship counsellor to arrange a meeting.

tistheseason- so glad you have already discussed taking action with councillor.
I have to add that imo the fact that he "doesn't care about money" would sound major alarm bells wondering what else he had bought without deigning to tell you. so sorry, don't want to plant seeds of distrust here.
If he doesn't care about money like he says how would he feel about giving you sole responsibillity for all of it in the family? and then asking you for all funds to buy anything? My bet is that he does "care" about money more than that, and just wants to play down how much he has wasted with these actions.
Surely 3k is a significant amount to anyone to spend without thinking of the consequences for the nearest and dearest, and it is just selfish of him to bypass your input of where the family money is spent in this way.
I know exactly where you are coming from not wanting to add passwords etc- my exh did use his work pc for unsavory things and I chickened out of reporting it. He got more and more sneaky inventing reasons not to discuss certain topics and let him get away with small things in the hope that we would start to tackle the big stuff. My hope for you is that this is in no way a tip of the iceburg situation and that now everything is out in the open so that you can re examine family priorities and finances together in harmony, and that he wants to do this. (mine didn't cos he enjoyed the deception too much).

it is positive in a sence that he is able to speak with you about this- especially so soon after discovery, rather than trying to cover it up.
best of luck with councilling.

If as you say the sites don't bother you too much then maybe you could come to some agreement about him using free sites, I'm sure LEM would happily help you there
I think the money is a huge issue, but depending on how you feel about the other issue at point here that could be easily fixed without you having to worry about your financial situation.