Is his fishing too much or am I being unreasonable?

[Onedayatatime14]

So, my partner likes to fish, which isn't an issue AT ALL. Am I being unreasonable to not want him to go twice a month? I wouldn't mind if it was for a few hours but he's usually wanting to go twice a month for 12 & 36 hours (basically the whole weekend).

We have two children and I don't work, he does. One child has autism and the other is disabled. I do nearly everything in the house, cook every meal (except his packed lunch which he thinks I should but that's another story) and he works during the week.

I like to do things at the weekend as a family and make memories, go places. Most of the time he says he's tired so wants a day to chill so we end up staying in or he says he's been driving all week so doesn't want to go far at the weekend but will happily drive an hour away to go fishing.

I feel like he just wants to escape, sit there, do nothing and smoke weed and I don't drive so where I can go with the children is limited. I don’t go out very often (4 times in the past year between 4 and 7 hours).

When I try and speak to him about it he just gets mardy, takes it out on me and the children and acts so hard done by so he ends up going.

Am I being a d*ck?

How much child free time do you get to spend on your hobbies?

If similar to him then there is no issue. However if he expects that much free time but leaves you with none he needs to get over himself and arrange something more fair to the both of you.

What happened before you had children?
What did you discuss would happen when you had children?

YANBU. When you have a family, they come first, ahead of any hobbies. If he was just going for a morning or afternoon it would be more understandable.

It's not really about the fishing is it? He sounds very lazy and disengaged from family life.

Can you learn to drive?

Not at all.
You should tell him that rest time is very important so you will also take 2 days a month to do whatever you like while he has the children.

After all, if it's something he needs then surely he would not want to deprive you of the same, right?

“ I feel like he just wants to escape, sit there, do nothing and smoke weed”

Well yes, doesn’t sound like he’s pretending otherwise.

But am I understanding correctly? You have left the house 4 times in the last year?

Once or twice a month isn't a great deal in my opinion, however I don’t think you are being unreasonable because of this:
One child has autism and the other is disabled
You need a break too and you already do all the caring during the week.

I feel like he just wants to escape, sit there, do nothing and smoke weed
Don’t we all?! Parenting is drudgery most of the time.

When do you get to escape?

Our youngest is 3 so only just started going to nursery in the afternoon, I get 2 hours to do housework, go shopping, prep dinner etc. He sees that as my 'free time'.

I wasn't very well at the start of the year and it's taken me a little while to get back on my feet. I went out last weekend for a meal, last night for 4 hours to go bingo and his mum has arranged a girls night for food and cocktails next weekend so she can get out. I went out with my sister for a meal in August and that's all I've done on my own for a year, it's all just happened to be close together. I even arranged a babysitter last weekend so he could go fishing overnight 3pm-2pm the following day and he now wants to go next weekend too which wasn't an issue as he had Fri evening to Saturday afternoon booked but now he wants to go Sat morning until Sunday evening and his mums arrangements interfere with that.

I don't have any plans for the foreseeable future.

He never used to go fishing when we first got together it's only the past 18-24 months he's started going again since he was a child.

I've tried to pass my test but failed 3 times 🙃 I'm trying to get back in to it again.

I wouldn't have an issue with him going for a morning or afternoon but "the fish feed at certain times and I need to prepare my spot" 🤨

OK.

You need to have a real calm conversation about him spending time with his family. He needs to look after the children by himself.
You need to do stuff as a couple. You need to do things as a family. And that needs to be fair.

@Dishwashersaurous I completely agree!

I think we need to come up with a plan so it feels fair. It just feels like a bit of a competition and it shouldn't. I said we need to have more family time and he said "we went away for a week in August, what more do you want" 🤦‍♀️.

My son said to me earlier "you two don't like being around each other, you just argue" and "daddy just sits on his phone all the time, all day every day". These aren't the things I want him saying or noticing.
Just to add, my partner went away fri-sun a few weeks ago for his cousins birthday and 7pm-5am for another birthday the week after so I try to make it fair.

He could take the DC with him and teach them how to fish.

Oh, hang on, he won't want to do that will he? Because he's chosen a hobby that allows him to opt out of parenting.

Especially the difficult bits, like caring for 2 DC with additional needs and entertaining them in bad weather.

He is a parent now, so he needs to act like one. Put tokens in a jar for each hour of child-free/housework-free time you get and when there's enough tokens in there for him to go fishing, he can go. Otherwise it's unequal.

You should get just as much free time as him and he should be happy to take on the parenting required to facilitate that.

If you don't get equal free time he's a dick and a shit parent.

Twice a month isn’t an issue; it’s not often. Smoking weed, however, would be.

Can you learn to drive?
Why, so she can run him over? OP’s license really isn’t the issue here.

@seaandsandcastles
I don't have an issue with him smoking weed, as long as it doesn't interfere with our relationship or impact the children (which i suppose it is a little).
He doesn't drink unless it's somebody's birthday or have a beer every day so I don't mind him smoking a spliff to de-stress.
The bills are paid, cupboards are always full, clothes on our back and petrol in the car.

@burritofan it would make my life easier though, give me more freedom and less earache if I need to him to nip to the shop 😂

You should have an issue with him smoking weed. Who wants their children’s father to be a druggie?

Don’t set the bar so low.