Is messaging on Reddit about porn, cheating?

[L0stinCyberspace]

H has been using Reddit porn, not too bothered about that, but I discovered he was messaging about it too with what seemed like sexual messages of appreciation.
Would you consider this cheating?

I don't know whether it's cheating - I guess that's for you to decide - but it'd be a dealbreaker for me.

I would not. But I’m pretty liberal compared to average MN person.

Yes, it is for me. Any sexual interaction with another person, whether online or in real life is cheating for me, but appreciate everyone has different boundaries. It is also now a deal breaker for me after forgiving someone in the past, they don't stop, just work harder not to get caught.

Just to add, I use reddit myself so know your partner will have been messaging the person in the photos, which is why it is so bad to me.

I would see this as cheating to be honest. It's about the person feeling a desire to stray from your intimate relationship that should be centred on you. I would also imagine that the person would be prepared to take it further if they had an opportunity to do so. You may have to ask yourself some very deep questions about your relationship with each other and if there are some difficult areas that you might be suppressing. Or he is just an entitled knob. I would find it deeply insulting either way. Sorry OP xx

I'd not regard it as cheating I don't think.

But it's not about cheating, it's about what you are comfortable with, whether actions or honesty surrounding those actions. If you want to dump him because he bought the Sun to look at Page 3 then that's fine. If you're happy to stay with him so long as he's seeing no more than 5 other women at a time, then that's fine too. Only you know where in that range your limit is.

I think the question should first be, do you consider it cheating? No need to do so on the word of others on MN, if you don't feel that way.

How do you feel about it?

Threads like this and the one about sharing pictures are why couples need to agree on what is cheating and what is not cheating. Everyone has different boundaries, nothing can be assumed.

Its one thing to look at porn, but it takes it to a whole different level if they try to connect to the person they're looking at, imo.

If its just visual, why are they trying to form a connection, and if they need a connection, why are they looking outside of their relationship for it

He’s using sexual energy which should be expended on you.

Also, because of the free for all nature of Reddit, Reddit porn is generally amateur fetish stuff (and bolstered with content where newly 18 year old girls are groomed into putting ‘gone wild’ stuff online as soon as their birthday hits)- so please remember that he is engaging with actual, real people (and likely, very young girls) who he sees in the photos they upload.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I would not. But I’m pretty liberal compared to average MN person.

So your partner sending sexual messages and attempting to form connections with amateur pornographers on the internet is a-ok and definitely not cheating?

Liberal isn’t the word I’d use to describe you

I’m male and would consider this cheating

@Suprima
So your partner sending sexual messages and attempting to form connections with amateur pornographers on the internet is a-ok and definitely not cheating?

The “attempting to form a connection” is speculation, we don’t know what the message content was. I’m sure porn actors/actresses get all kinds of fan messages, so messaging something like “loved your latest video, really sexy and hot” do not care.

To me cheating is when you have made a personal, sexual connection and are meeting in real life. You can’t commit “thought adultery” nothing wrong with fantasy.

Well it's certainly not very loyal or respectful is it?

@BarbedButterfly useful to know that, thanks.

@NotSoNewAndShiny I feel it's definitely more than just viewing porn passively, I feel it's cheating.

@Suprima exactly- and he's not expending sexual energy on me at all.

Yes I do too. If nothing else it's completely inappropriate. I'm very relaxed with things too but this isn't it. This is going too far.

Do you have a healthy sex life? Think that probably would be my first thought…if he’s doing this instead of engaging sexually with you, I’d be worried. My OH watches a shit load of porn but we also have sex very regularly (erm not at the moment as I’m 8 months preggo!). Porn doesn’t bother me but he knows webcams, chats and any contact wouldn’t be ok.

@conjourbonjour no, no sex life at all, for years.

I agree with previous posters that for me, looking at porn doesn’t really bother me but messaging, web cams, interaction isn’t ok. And if he’s looking at porn and you have a shit sex life then that would bother me (i still wouldn’t consider it cheating per se but it’s still a problem that’s he using his sexual energy elsewhere)