My husband and I got engaged a couple of years ago, and the day after he proposed, we went to spend the weekend with his family. Throughout that weekend, his sister was cold towards me, and made a lot of digs, to the point where it was making me so uncomfortable that my now husband spoke to his sister to see if there was something troubling her about our engagement.
She said she was uncomfortable about the idea of change, and us getting married, the idea of not being number one in his life, and she also called me an ‘outsider’, before having quite an awful hysterical crying fit lasting several hours and requiring their parents to try to soothe her. It is worth saying that a month before, she’d asked my husband for money for a new kitchen extension if she bought a new house, to which his response had been that he felt it was important to discuss with me as he was close to proposing, and she said she didn’t want to do that as I was new to their lives and it wasn’t any of my business - even though it would be potentially our pooled money we’d be giving his sister (he previously gave her £50,000 at her first property purchase so she was able to live mortgage-free with her husband, a luxury neither of us have as we have a mortgage!) She also announced in the middle of the hysterics that she was pregnant, although 2 days later she claimed she had miscarried, but a healthy baby was born 8 months later thankfully, weirdly enough!
His parents didn’t say anything to me about the situation was or even acknowledge how their daughter had acted. It was also suggested that i sleep in a separate building, so i was locked out of the main house and slept alone in a different building, an annex, whilst the rest of the family, including my now husband, were in the main house. I felt incredibly isolated - emotionally and physically.
A few weeks later, I suggested I get together with his sister, go for tea and cake and just try to clear the air and put it behind us and try to move on. I also said I’d really like it if she were a bridesmaid at my wedding, as I thought that might clear the air. She declined, and their father suggested we try mediation, with him as the mediator. This was a pretty awkward process.
Fast forward 2.5 years and we send them gifts on birthdays and Christmas, and they also do the same, but we have not seen or spoken to them since that engagement weekend, other than on our wedding day almost 2 years ago which they attended but kept their distance, and thankfully no hysterics.
Given the efforts to try to resolve this, and the fact that my husband’s family haven’t been hugely supportive of reconciliation or trying to welcome me in, my view is that I’d prefer to keep my distance because of how upset it makes me when his sister has a tantrum or how awkward she makes me feel as an ‘outsider’, but it is of course absolutely fine for my husband to have a close relationship with them if he wishes. I just don’t really want to be called an outsider, made to feel isolated, or have digs thrown my way. I keep wondering if her behaviour is because I’m of Asian background, and his whole family are white and they don’t know have any ethnic minorities in their family, and I can’t help but wonder if the attack on how I’m an outsider was somewhat racially motivated.
It seems really sad as my husband and his sister were close before we married and I was looking forward to gaining a sister, but it seems like our marriage has sadly caused division in their family.
AIBU to put distance between myself and people who cause me distress and don’t make me feel particularly included, though?
Thanks for reading a long post!