To find it hard to trust boyfriend ?

[laundrylad]

Together over a year and have absolutely no reason not to trust him.
I won't drone on but he is everything I want in a boyfriend/ future partner.
I am mid forties and feel that part of my trusting ability was broken after my exh had an affair two and a half years ago . It shocked me to my core but I must be truthful and say it was the best thing that ever happened to me in hindsight... him leaving , I mean.
I am consumed with my boyfriends on line presence/ profile: female friends/ activity .
It's like an obsession.
He has been patient as I have often over reacted/ overthought and spent time looking into situations that were never there. Again, there is no reason not to trust him. He and I have a regular online presence together( tagging me in topics of interest) and he is public about me online and also to family / friends etc.
He understands that I have issues surrounding this area.
Is this a reasonable reaction considering my history or if not how can I turn this around in my mind. I am embarrassed about this so while I have spoken to my boyfriend, he doesn't know how upset I am .
I've had counselling and can't afford more. Any advice or guidance appreciated.

Perhaps you're just not ready to have a relationship.

Trust is fundamental, it's not fair on him if you can't rein back on your issues.

If a woman came on here saying her boyfriend was behaving like this everyone would be saying ditch him and run.

I agree that maybe you're just not ready yet.

He's not your ex. He can't be treated this way just because you have insecurities.

If you really want to stay with him, you're going to have to fake it until you make it.
Convince yourself you have no reason to doubt him and eventually you'll stop doubting him.

Do you think it's possible to ever be ready or do we heal while learning to trust again?
I'm afraid that I will push him away.

I agree, fake it til you make it. You can't easily control your thoughts, but you can control your actions. Stop DOING anything that demonstrates a lack of trust, and eventually you should stop THINKING it too. In theory! This approach to similar things has worked for me though.

I relate to this completely as I used to be exactly the same. I had a string of abusive relationships in my younger years, and was cheated on twice in separate relationships.

I then met my DH and I knew he was different, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of being unable to trust him completely. I can see you’ve already had counselling, and I must admit counselling really did help me to understand that everybody is different. My DH is not my exes. In fact, he’s nothing like them.

I’m proof that you can change how you’re feeling - you can learn to trust someone again.

I also agree with @MinaPop. Stop checking up on him and poring through his social media. It’s not helpful and you will ‘find’ things that aren’t actually there. You’ve admitted in your OP that you have no reason not to trust him - so why not trust him… he may never give you a reason not to!

I know it’s not that easy, but you absolutely can learn to trust someone again.

This is something you need to work on for your own good
If you can’t afford therapy try self help books and CBT via apps or podcasts.
Get off social media. It may sound extreme but would you rather have your boyfriend or have social media.

If he has given you no reason not to trust him then you need to modify your behaviour not him
I absolutely believe you can learn to trust him but you need to change what you are doing and use the tools that are out there. Best wishes

Some really great advice thanks.
Has anyone any recommendations for a podcast or book or app that would help me please.
I feel hopeful after those replies.

The only advice i can offer is to commit to not thinking about what if. Push out those thoughts. Like a diet. "I dont stalk/bring up/worry about/ask these things any more."

Once you make a new habit its easier

Unfortunatelly this is a you problem, that you will carry into every one of your relationships, no matter how lovely and trustworthy a partner you have, until you explore and heal it for yourself. It's also not fair on your partner to be sujected to that insecurity and suspicion all the time. Please find ways to access more therapy or maybe stop dating for a while.

I really don't want to lose him. He is a good person and a wonderful patient boyfriend.
I know it's a me issue. I have no money for therapy. I will have to find an app to help me.