Playground politics

[GullyGull]

Albu to think this is bonkers!

Okay so waiting to go into class at school. All in a line queuing up. Child A and Parent A stood talking to Child B and Parent B ( kids are year 1). All happy and fine. Child C and Parent C are also in the queue. Parent C notices kids A and B talking and cuts in. Tells Child A to come over to Child C and stand with her, so to basically drop Child B. Parents A and B carry on talking. Parent B puts hand on Child B's back and comforts them without saying anything, so they have an extra bit of support. Parent C then makes Child A hold hands with Child C to go into class. Not in a natural way but basically forced.

So in a nutshell a very deliberate show of excluding one Child to make another feel important. Parent C has form for this and always seems to be attention seeking in the playground and seems determined to exclude Child B at any opportunity (think turning back on Child B that sort of thing).

At no point has Parent B and Child B ever excluded Parent C and Child C, quite the opposite. Tried to engage them in talking/playing but always been given the cold shoulder.

Have you ever seen this happening and how do you cope with it without making it awkward for the child?

You can guess I'm parent B in this situation, just wanted to make it easier to read!

It amazes me that a Parent, a grown adult, would point score off a Child.

As a parent with older dc I have seen this sort of thing happen in the past. The dc who were forced into friendships never seem to thrive as they get older. Probably because all decisions were taken for them and they lack the social skills and confidence to tread their own path.

Happened constantly with DD2 (just a very cliquey cohort who wanted to micromanage their kids' friendships). I'll be honest - it never got much better and by year 3 we'd had enough as it was tipping over toward low-level bullying and looked for another school which she's much happier in.

That's interesting H never thought of it from that perspective.

I think it's a low level form of bullying which the child is going to learn from the parent sadly.

Yes, it’s bullying from parent C. There’s a mother like this at my child’s school - also year 1 - the other parents have worked out she’s a bully and her child is the same.

@GullyGull - have you mentioned it to parent A? They will have noticed.

We are in a similar situation and I’m trying to discourage my child’s friendship with the little bully.

Why didn't parent A intervene?

I see this happening all the time at DDs school (Yr 2). Definitely related to parent rather than child behaviour. Some people are just nasty, OP. Hope your child isn't getting too upset by it.

I'm not sure whether to bring it up with Parent A in case they didn't really notice. She was happily chatting away telling me about something to do with work.

I'm really not sure whether to say anything or not to any of the other parents, don't know them well enough yet to know if it would add fuel to the fire.

DD is fine, because both myself and DH have spotted it we tend to steer away from this child and not encourage a friendship. I can see her turning into a bully long term.

Just mention it to the class teacher on the basis that it distressed your child. I would never have got other parents involved.

How about saying to your child 'Where's child A gone?, you were chatting /playing so nicely a minute ago'
Then add under your breath 'oh there they are, that fucker is up to her tricks again whilst mentally imagining slamming her head against the nearest wall
Then' go and join them darling, no one should be left out '
Smile and wave to them

DD is fine, because both myself and DH have spotted it we tend to steer away from this child and not encourage a friendship. I can see her turning into a bully long term
Sorry but isn't this doing exactly what you are accusing her of doing?

It’s jealousy OP or low self esteem.
Most likely see you as taking away attention that they (parent) think they rightly deserve or that you child will take away their other child’s play buddy.
It’s horrible. Happened to me lots. It is low level bullying like mentioned before, but nonetheless it’s bullying. Good to make your child feel supported but this will continue when you are not there. Can you gravitate towards another set of parents? I actively pause to not line up with these types.. always a bag that needs double checking etc!

sammy I think that's sound advice, be the last to go in so we avoid queues. I have thought that is a potential solution.

Also Parent A mentioned about a playdate so that would be good as well in seeing if they want to progress their friendship outside of school.

Whether it's jealousy or insecurity I don't know, it was just really odd and overt behaviour that I've never seen a grown adult do before

@GullyGull I know it’s pathetic isn’t it! That sounds like a good idea with the play date, I’d seek out others to in order to widen the circle more.

Oh yes I must be really obvious by now that we do it but it does give some light relief when sharks are at bay :D

seek out others too*

@CoffeeWithCheese happened at DS’s old Primary too, we lasted until Y2, best move we ever made.

There were lots of different reasons too but ultimately we knew that the situation wasn’t going to improve.

Parent C was being ridiculous and out of order.

Parent A was best placed to intervene and should have done.

Gosh I couldn’t be arsed with any of this! I’ve honestly never got involved in any of it, I turn up on time and run away as quickly as I can. Parent A should have intervened.

Honestly if it is an option I would steer away from parent A and parent C and their children. If Parent C wants to monopolise child A, then let her get on and do it. If they are girls, especially, three is a crowd. There are plenty of kids in a class/year/school, they to encourage child B to locate child D to H, and see if the friendships are easier to foster.

Still have the playdate with Child A, by all means stay friendly, but make sure playdates with child D, E and F are lined up too.

Really appreciate all these perspectives and it is definitely making me look at the situation from a different angle

Why did the parent of the child left out not intervene? Or was they to busy chatting to notice? YANBU however the parent of the child should of said something.

@QueenoftheKarens Probably one of those moments that happens so fast you don’t have to time to react.

What is the point of you moaning here? Why didn't you say anything when Parent C interrupted your child's conversation and removed her friend?

I've seen this but not been involved.

Avoid the mother and child like the plague.

It will only get worse.

Parents like that, that are all over their children's interactions only get worse as girls grow.

They attract and cause drama.

Avoid.

For those saying I should have reacted, it literally happened so fast that I was stunned. I've never seen a grown adult behave this way so quite honestly I was gob smacked.

billy you are absolutely right, we will avoid them in the future. It's sad because you can see the seeds there for future behaviour, bullying is literally being taught to the child by the mother.