I'm feeling a bit low lately and can't seem to shake the feeling off. The main reason is that I think I have married the wrong person for me and my children and it was all my fault. I have pretty low self esteem and generally lack confidence all round. I also have social anxiety. I've been like this pretty much since I can remember.
He's the only bf I had ever had and looking back at the time I was was just grateful anyone was even interested in me and married him. He wasn't perfect but I know noone really is though and ignored my gut feeling.
After we got married things changed. He became really moody, wouldn't speak to me for days at a time, ignored me if I spoke and I had no idea why. One moment he would be "normal" and things were good then out of the blue he'd stop talking and become moody again. Id constantly go over in my head what I did / said. If I asked him what was up he'd ignore me or just leave the room or say nothing is wrong, it's me.
He would slam doors around and I knew something was up. It left me feeling on edge all the time and I didn't know when he would be in a mood or ok.
When things were "normal" it was all ok and I was happy. Things weren't perfect but they were ok.
After I became pregnant with my 2 kids who were only 18m apart things became really bad. I barely got any help from him and he stopped talking to me for months.there was other types of behaviour that was horrible too. It was horrendous. I was exhausted, lonely and i cried everyday. I just needed help. He'd hate if I went over to my family's house during the day with the kids so I would try to rush back before he came back from work so he wouldn't know. He would sometimes check and ask if I'd been and sometimes I'd lie and say no.
After my Dc2 was 3m I told him I was leaving. He said he'll change and I agreed and things did change. Massively. For a long time he's maintained this for the most part. However his old ways of being moody and not talking properly are still there albeit not as severe.
Over the years I've come to realise that he's not the type of father I wanted for my children or a life partner for myself. I feel stuck here as financially I can't look after myself and kids and my health is getting worse.
I feel sad and have just accepted my fate with him. I feel the worse for my children. He barely spends anytime with them or talks to them. I find myself noticing how other people's DPs are with them and their children and I feel so sad. I can't even get myself to reply when dh says he loves me.
On the most part I'm ok plodding along ok but then something random will occur and all my past and all the emotions come rushing back and I want to run away. Recently my niece has had a baby and her DP is absolutely lovely and he's doting on DN and baby as you would and it all came back to me. When I had my first id had an op and could barely walk and was left to do everything for baby. I remember gritting my teeth through the pain as I moved around the house trying to put the washing on as if ran out of clean baby clothes. I cried thinking about it.
I know I am to blame for the situation I have got myself into. Maybe one day I will find the energy and a way to leave.
I'm not really looking for anything. I just needed to talk to someone and get it out. I feel a bit better after writing this ridiculously long post. Apologies and thank you for reading.