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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Waking up DH by poorly children

27 replies

Mummy3788 · 01/10/2021 06:32

Hi
I have never posted before but I’m sat here feeling quite upset and wanted to know your thoughts!
So my DH gets up mom-Friday at 4.30 ish he is a delivery driver he is usually back around anytime around 1/2/3 in the afternoon probably drives 150 miles a day so I know he needs his sleep! And I deal with the children at night So he sleeps in a different bed and I have our 5 month old dd with me! I do everything but I’m happy with that I’m on maternity leave at the moment I also have a dd who is 5 and has been up most the night with a bad cold so pretty much Iv had zero sleep for the week! As been also dealing with 5 month old who is up a lot too! This morning dd was crying she’s in pain with her ear and coughing bless her plus dealing with 5 month old not well too I don’t mind but trying my best to help them and all I hear upstairs from my DH is that we are all selfish and moaning we have woken him up oh he has today off and the weekend! But actually he has gone back to sleep!! I feel upset that he could shout like this to my dd who isn’t well?
What do guys think? How else could I have sorted this! We live in a small house so no where else I could of gone!
Thanks

OP posts:
Sundancerintherain · 01/10/2021 06:35

He is a selfish git op. If he is off today why is he leaving you to cope alone ?

Original poster
Mummy3788 · 01/10/2021 06:37

Yes off today

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 01/10/2021 06:39

That's rubbish
Sending a hug

Littlebluebird123 · 01/10/2021 06:39

I'm assuming he's grumpy because he's been woken up and isn't usually so rude. If so, there's nothing you could have done and actually waking him up for help isn't unreasonable either. He needs to understand that being on mat leave doesn't automatically mean you never need to sleep again! I also presume he knows his dd is poorly. Hopefully he'll wake up and apologise for being unreasonable and help.

If this is something which happens more frequently that's a bigger problem. You had the children together and these things happen. Poorly kids in most houses mean neither parent will sleep well. It's how it is. He needs to step up.

YANBU though, whatever the situation.

FiveGs · 01/10/2021 06:40

What is it with these men and their sleep? Why is their need for sleep greater than yours?

I would do nothing more at this moment, but remind him when he wakes how you (should) treat each other with respect in your household and a poorly 5 year old does not need or understand histrionics from an adult when in genuine pain.

BrutusMcDogface · 01/10/2021 06:40

You didn’t do anything wrong. He was being horrible and selfish.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 01/10/2021 06:43

He is selfish. Thats whats his actual length of working day? I see so often posted on here when lazy selfish men who work long hours making life difficult for their families, the poster always says ‘he is up at…’ What time does he actually start work? Because those hours dont look longer than a normal working day.

Years ago when we had a baby, my dh was a driver. He was up at 5. Left the house at 5.15. Started work at 6am. Drive all day. Got home just before 7pm and immediately took over the bedtime routine with the baby.

Dyrne · 01/10/2021 06:46

Not on OP.

I’d be having strong words about how if he thinks he’s tired, how the hell does he think you feel?

Normally I’m of the opinion that the non-working parent should be responsible for nights but given he has the next 3 days off, it’s entirely unreasonable of him to be pissed off at you that the kids woke him up - it’s actually a little sad that his own daughter was distressed and crying due to illness and his reaction wasn’t “oh I’d better see if I can go help” but straight to anger and shouting and then back to sleep.

I’d also be waiting until things calmed down a bit and then have a conversation with him about how he can step up more - for example can he take charge of the children for a couple of hours in the afternoons moving forward so you can grab a power nap?

ItsahardGobbutsomeonehastodoit · 01/10/2021 06:50

I found a short sharp shock did the trick with mine, if he was being a shit Dad I would tell him so and tell him I needed help.

Original poster
Mummy3788 · 01/10/2021 06:50

So actually he doesn’t actually start until 6am he leaves the house at half 5!
So yep that’s he normal working day! He gets quite a big chunk of the afternoon off!
He can be like this in the mornings Iv learned to ignore it but when it’s in front of the children I just can’t!! Keeping thinking am I just a rubbish mum and what other people would do!

OP posts:
MilduraS · 01/10/2021 06:53

Is he usually such an arse? He might just have been woken at the wrong stage of sleep. Occasionally when DH wakes me (snoring, nighttime acrobatics) I end up sitting there making myself increasingly furious about it to the point that in my head I'm playing out our argument in the morning where I announce our divorce. Other times I just roll over and go back to sleep. It's a completely irrational anger and when I'm properly awake in the morning I wonder why on Earth I was so angry about something he didn't even know he was doing.

icklekid · 01/10/2021 06:56

I’d ask him when your day off/ lie in is if he’s got today and the weekend off? He might not be able to help with 5 month olds if breastfeeding overnight but he can certainly help with poorly 5 year old. I’d love to hear why he doesn’t think that would be reasonable…! Sending 💐

gingerbiscuits · 01/10/2021 06:57

Stop feeling guilty right away! You've done nothing wrong & you're not a rubbish mum - this is all on him - he's being a selfish twat!

So he worked yesterday till early afternoon (when he presumably came home & chilled out) & now has 3 days off, yet he's moaning about not having enough rest while you wrangle 2 poorly, upset, demanding (through no fault of their own) children, single handed, on zero sleep yourself?? Yep...he's a twat & you need to tell him that!

Dyrne · 01/10/2021 06:59

You’re not a shit mum but by insisting you’re happy to do all this alone even on his days off you’re martyring yourself a little bit. Have a word with him later on today and talk about him picking up the slack more.

stonebrambleboy · 01/10/2021 07:01

Of course you are not a rubbish mum !
You are doing your best and he's a selfish twit.

Original poster
Mummy3788 · 01/10/2021 07:11

Thanks everyone!
I think because I’m not working at the moment that’s why! I feel like I don’t have a leg to stand on if I’m honest! He would always say something to sort of win the argument of who does more if that makes sense!

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 01/10/2021 07:15

He's a parent too, and just because he's still physically leaving the house to go to work doesn't mean he somehow 'deserves' more 'rest' than you FFS !

You are putting in how many hours ??every........single..........bloody..........day...........and..........night !!

So when are your 'rest' days ?? Hmm

I'd be so bloody furious with him ! How dare he shout about bloody selfishness ?? Shock When he's the selfish bastard who yells at a sick 5yr old ?? On his day off too !!

I'd be bloody well playing bagpipes at max volume every bloody time I was awake ! All fucking week ! Until the bastard was on his knees with exhaustion, same as me ! THEN I'd be asking him if he still thought he deserved 3 fucking 'rest days' when I got zero bloody 'rest days' !

Lemonsandlemonade · 01/10/2021 07:15

Deffo not unreasonable at all.

You are working too he needs to pick the slack up.

Yes he starts very early but he does finish early too! Your job is 24/7

bananabread2000 · 01/10/2021 07:18

But you ARE working! you're providing 24 hour care for his/your children!! just because you aren't bringing in an income right now doesn't mean you aren't doing enough etc. you need a break too !

SuperCaliFragalistic · 01/10/2021 07:18

The "who does more" argument and competitive tiredness is a slippery slope to resentment and eventual divorce. Trust me. You need to be working together to parent your children, that includes him doing more, especially on his days off, and you not bring a martyr and calling him out on this behaviour.

DeepaBeesKit · 01/10/2021 07:20

You have a DH problem

Auroreforet · 01/10/2021 07:25

Me and dh are gp's now.
But even 35 years ago my dh would/did get up with me. Decent men care about their dw and dc and upset dc should trigger help not complaints.

DogFoodPie · 01/10/2021 07:49

I've heard a saying that a good relationship is not 50%/50% but 100%/100%. Its not always about doing your fair share you should both be doing your best to help the other. That might mean doing a bit more than your share sometimes but you should know your partner will always be doing their best at the time and would never use your good nature to their advantage. You are doing your side of this by letting him sleep at night as he has an early start and is driving, but he isn't doing his side when he never takes a turn on his days off, doesn't think his pregnant wife might need a rest sometimes, and shouts at you if he gets woken up by his sick child crying. He needs to change his attitude.

Quartz2208 · 01/10/2021 08:00

Yep you definitely arent a rubbish mum but you do have a rubbish husband.

You are on maternity leave - what should have happened is that he offered to help

Summerrain123 · 01/10/2021 08:09

I would go slightly batshit at that and say 'what gives you the right to more sleep than me!!'? I would in no uncertain terms tell him that he is being selfish.