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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Extending maternity leave

18 replies

Clueless30something · 01/10/2021 06:22

Has anyone ever successfully extended maternity leave but not given the required 56 days notice?

I'm in a bit of a sticky situation and don't know what to do!

Currently on mat leave with ds2 (6 months old) due to return next month. Dh was originally going to take first month off as shared parental leave/annual leave so I could return to work (albeit wfh)

Dh has now decided he doesn't want to do that and doesn't support me going back to work yet (not sure he supports me going back at all but that's a whole other story and not going to happen as I will be returning to work as I refuse to be financially dependent on someone permanently)

Can't get DD into nursery until January (already has a place reserved). I could possibly wfh with a baby as I am happy to work later in the evenings or early morning to get work done but not sure works view on this - have a KIT day next week to discuss this.

Alternatively I could extend my mat leave until January but I'm outside thr 56 days notice I need to give!

OP posts:

Alpinechalet · 01/10/2021 06:36

It will depend on your employer. Give notice today so they have the maximum notice to plan ahead.

As an HR professional I allowed changes without the required notice. The least notice I had was on the day they were due to return to work when they phoned me up sobbing. My only question was how much more time do you need.

MrsRetreiver · 01/10/2021 06:38

You have a DH problem. Is he incapable of looking after the baby? Or just doesn’t want to? Either way, it’s shoddy.

Original poster

Clueless30something · 01/10/2021 06:49

Thanks for the replies. It's a difficult situation.

I would be asking for 2 more months, so returning in January. My mat pay stops completely then and I can't afford to take any unpaid time so I have no choice in that.

I'm annoyed with DH. Unfortunately we have completely different attitudes to work. He doesn't understand why I want to go back early (if at all!) But when I tried to explain that as much as I love being off with the children (have an older dc who is at school) I am not sahm/housewife material and enjoy my job and have worked hard to get where i am. He just thinks I should be happy staying at home.

OP posts:

Zarene · 01/10/2021 07:15

What an arsehole.

Does he want to stay home permanently while you work?

To answer your question, I'm a manager and I would always support someone wanting to extend leave like this. It might be a headache (but also, they're already coping without you and so the current arrangement might well continue). I want to do the best for my staff, but also I know that if someone is working when they don't want to / difficult stuff is happening at home, they won't be giving 100%, so it's in no one's interest to force you in.

Original poster

Clueless30something · 01/10/2021 07:35

I have asked if he wants to stay at home permanently, as we both earn around the same (35k) and if we didn't send ds to nursery we could manage on one salary, but he doesn't want to either.

I know the person covering my role (she's a friend outside of work as well) and has said she would happily cover for a few more months if work agreed. I've drafted an email as have been thinking about it all night, just wondered what reaction I'm likely to get

OP posts:

Hummingbird427 · 01/10/2021 07:40

Your dh is behaving awfully. It's not your workplace problem that's the issue here, it's your dh.

Imagine doing the same to him.

Awful, unsupportive, sabotaging behaviour.

AFS1 · 01/10/2021 07:44

You and DH don’t have different attitudes to work. He has a different (and totally unreasonable) attitude to YOUR work.

He has gone back on the agreement you reached, I assume to force your hand into staying at home. I hope you resolve your maternity leave situation, but if I were you I would be telling DH that he needs to stick to what was agreed and take the time off work himself.

CleanQueen123 · 01/10/2021 07:45

At my workplace we tend to ignore the official notice period you're meant to give. Just give as much notice as you can.

Don't forget you'll also have accrued annual leave during your maternity leave that you could use to extend your paid time off to settle DC into childcare/divorce "D"H

Noogar · 01/10/2021 07:50

He's gone back on your agreement so I'd look at getting as much financial independence as you can and leave him. How dare he not support you going back to work if that's what you want to do. You are not his puppet.

Noogar · 01/10/2021 07:51

I think you'll be ok if you ask them. All you can do is ask and see what they say.

BugsyDrakeTableScape · 01/10/2021 07:53

Have you actually processed the SPL for your DP? As in are you curtailing your mat leave to go on SPL? If so, you can actually request take the leave rather than DP. You still need 8 weeks notice, but it might be easier to muddle through that way for a bit. Work might be a bit more lenient of shorter notice periods.

For what it's worth, we've had a similar situation - DP was going to take 3 months SPL but then changed his mind. He has done SPL with a previous employer with no problem, but with this employer the reaction he got trying to sort it was less than supportive. This has made reassess what is the right thing for both of us career wise (genuinely in this situation, we think SPL would harm him more than benefit). Instead he is taking a shorter period and not all in one go. Might be worth considering if you've already started on that journey?

Twizbe · 01/10/2021 07:54

I think you'll be fine as they can extend the cover.

On a separate note this is why I tell women to plan with work to take the full 52 weeks. It's easier to reduce than extend if plans change

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/10/2021 08:25

He 'doesnt support you going back to work', what the actual fuck? Why are you not raging about this? Why is it that he has let you down but you're the one trying to find a solution? I'd think very carefully about whether you want to stay in this relationship. It sounds like he 'wont support you' with nursery pick ups or drop offs or time off work when the baby is sick or has an appointment...because his job is important and yours isnt

Candleabra · 01/10/2021 08:35

I'd be sympathetic that it was out of your control, and actually be worried about you. (Are you ok by the way? Your husband sounds like a total dick for doing this to you)
I would allow the extension, especially if the role could be covered.
Ultimately, we lose too many talented women from the workplace after maternity leave. My goal would be to avoid that.

Dollywilde · 01/10/2021 08:39

Would it be possible for you to use SPL, as PP above suggests? So you could ‘return to work’ on eg 1 November, take 3 weeks holiday to get you to the notice period, then go onto SPL until Jan?

Alpinechalet · 01/10/2021 18:35

@Clueless30something

I have asked if he wants to stay at home permanently, as we both earn around the same (35k) and if we didn't send ds to nursery we could manage on one salary, but he doesn't want to either.

Send the email ASAP. You are not being fair to your employer if you delay sending it.

Happyfeet1972 · 01/10/2021 18:58

Your DP sounds awful, I'm sorry. I think I'd be telling him if he doesn't want to stick to the agreement, he needs to sort childcare till Jan. Why on earth should you be the one sorting it.

Fair enough if he wants to discuss childcare desires and you not working etc but to do it like this with such short notice feels underhand and manipulative. I dont think I'd be able to trust him again.

catsandhens · 01/10/2021 19:39

tell your husband you are going back to work as planned and if he doesn't want to use his parental leave he can arrange child care. this is not your problem this is his problem. Do not let him make you the default parent who has to solve everything!

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