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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My parents friends and neighbours are going to think I'm an heartless, no help cow.

20 replies

TrotOnCharlie · 30/09/2021 17:59

My 86 year old dad recovered from a stroke last year but now has suspected cancer - can't eat, lots of tests, NHS brilliant at fast tracking him.
My mum is understandably worried but my brother (45) & I (46) are the last to find out and never get asked for support or logistical help.
I offered to drive to today's big meeting, told they had taxis booked, neighbours drive them.
My DH is a carpenter but they get the over priced, local bodger to do simple, quick stuff.
I suggest ways to make life easier - online shopping, extra handrails but it takes a neighbour to suggest it before they get any where. It's becoming a joke.

I flexible work part time, two older teens, live an hour away. Respected Covid rules this last year so not seen them much or stayed overnight but rang & what's apped lots.

AIBU to think my parents neighbours think i'm a heartless, no contact, no help cow.

OP posts:

chopc · 30/09/2021 18:01

Enjoy whilst your can in my opinion. You can just enjoy your parents company without running errands for them

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 18:06

AIBU to think my parents neighbours think i'm a heartless, no contact, no help cow

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Your parents seem to want to stand on their own feet, their choice x

Notimetolive · 30/09/2021 18:06

Your parents still see you as a child who knows nothing. Just like mine.
I offered to help my parents with a problem, explaining what I would do. No. They arranged a visit with their bank manager, younger than me, who sorted the problem for them, in exactly the same way I would have done.
Just keep offering help. They will accept it when they are ready to.

MrsBobDylan · 30/09/2021 18:07

They sound wonderful. That is the model I hope to adopt when I'm older - I want to spend time with my kids rather than using them as unpaid help.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 30/09/2021 18:09

It's crap isn't it. I live closest to my parents but due to many genuine reasons I can't do any of the physical, visible stuff, and they absolutely refuse to do anything online (shopping, banking, repeat prescriptions etc), yet have them on the phone daily about so much stuff. Have wangled so much time for hospital appts etc. Golden balls sibling lives 50 miles away so obviously is not expected to do anything at all, has a complete pass from neighbours and family, yet I've got all the mental load which is crippling me. YANBU OP. It sucks.

Sirzy · 30/09/2021 18:09

Don’t worry what the neighbours think

If they have one or two they are close to however then I would give them your phone numbers as a point of contact if ever needed

Dozer · 30/09/2021 18:10

Doesn’t matter what random neighbours think.

What do you/your parents and siblings think and feel?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2021 18:16

Good for them. This attitude serves them well and what their neighbours think is irrelevant.

talkalarm · 30/09/2021 18:29

My mum never listens to me either, even about things directly related to my work where I'm actually quite senior. Drives me mad.

Original poster

TrotOnCharlie · 30/09/2021 18:33

@Couldhavebeenme3 we have the same 'goldenballs' dynamic. I do the Birthday, anniversary and Christmas heavy lifting but any tiny effort, a forwarded what's app joke, is praised to the heavens.

OP posts:

Original poster

TrotOnCharlie · 30/09/2021 18:36

@talkalarm it used to drive me mad but with my dad's mortality worrying everyone, it's just made me sad that we've never managed To move to a grown up, respectful relationship.

OP posts:

muddyford · 30/09/2021 18:40

Mind are the same. Anything I suggest is automatically dismissed. It took them 17 years to decide to get a water meter which took their expenditure on water down by two thirds. I agree it's better to be independent but sometimes they cut off their nose to spite their face.

alwayslearning789 · 30/09/2021 18:43

It is admirable rather they keep going as best they can, whilst they can.

Keep on reaching out to them and doing the best you can, they will appreciate it , even if they don't say much to you.

And when they can't cope or their own, they will know you are there which will be so important for them.

alwayslearning789 · 30/09/2021 18:44

Typo meant to say it is admirable 'that' they keep going as best they can whilst they can.

EmeraldShamrock · 01/10/2021 12:33

They don't like to ask by the sound of it and enjoy some independence.
Do you visit often? It must be hard on your DM.
I'd visit weekly if possible.

Original poster

TrotOnCharlie · 03/10/2021 11:37

I ring regularly, whats app pictures of the dog. I tell myself with teens and work, I'm a high Covid risk but actually it's an 80 minute drive followed by a judgy parental monologue that's never been fun and got worse as they've aged.

As the kids got older we backed off frequent visiting because the casual racism, homophobia and then Brexit was awkward. Then Covid.

I checked in on results day, then lunchtime the next day. By the second call they already got the next set of appointments through and arranged lifts with the neighbours.

Each time I contact in person or on the phone, I can hear my dad in the background listening as my mum repeats again various terrible cancer stories of blood relatives and friends followed by the forced cancellation of a holiday and then the strain of providing liquid type meals. I've no idea if she does this with all callers!

It's all really brought home it's a duty relationship.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 03/10/2021 12:10

@TrotOnCharlie You've nothing to feel guilt about your relationship has good contact they've a good community around them.

I'm sure your mam lends her ear too friends judging by her phone conversations. 🤣

Keep doing what you're doing.

Notaroadrunner · 03/10/2021 12:20

Fuck what the neighbours think. If they have issue with giving lifts, etc, they can always say no.

You are in a position that many people would appreciate - parents who don't expect you to do everything for them and care for them in their old age. Be grateful that they are not hounding you and making you feel guilty for not being at their beck and call. You need to change your mindset towards the situation. They, for whatever reasons, have chosen to keep you and your sibling, at arms length. Maybe they simply don't want to be a burden to you both and therefore they are managing things themselves, as is their right.

Keep up the phonecalls to chat about how they are,the kids etc, but don't fixate on what others are doing for them. That's their business. Visit when you can and maybe bring food for their freezer, or bring them out for dinner. But stop being worried about how they are managing as into seems they are doing fine. And stop thinking and worrying about what the neighbours/friends think.

Griselda1 · 03/10/2021 12:42

I'm trying to help an old lady at present who has no relatives but does have a close circle of friends.The relationship has broken down with her friends as they can't cope with her alcoholism, hoarding etc. I'm dealing with her in a professional role while social services get carers in.Its really brought home to me how many facets there are to looking after an elderly person. Her friends tell me she can cook for herself, she can't.Food is left at her door and she can't get it into her fridge so it rots in the bags. Her friends complain that the house is full of rotting food and she's not helping herself.
I'd allow the neighbors to have involvement with your parents and I doubt very much if they judge you.Old age is coming to us all and the more people you have around you the better.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/10/2021 12:50

focus on your relationship with your parents - why give a toss about what their neighbour think?

You could always let the neighbours have your number, and say that you're more than happy to be contacted if your parents seem to need assistance.

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