How do you deal with not liking one of your parents?

[SidSparrow]

After having children I realised that my Dad had been a totally rubbish Dad. He's very emotionally immature and even now it's still causing me issues as I always have to tred on eggshells so as not to upset him. I did talk to him about all of this, it was very difficult and I'm not sure I got anywhere, but I did get things off my chest. However, the differences between us are so vast that it is really difficult to find any common ground. I'm again finding it difficult to be around him because of his strong views - he hates lots of things. It's so difficult to be open and positive when he is so negative narrowminded. He shows no interest in anything I like and he shuts down if I say something he disagrees with. He really wants to be part of his grandchildren's lives, and we really need baby sitters, but at what point does grandad slip and his true self starts to come through - he certainly put his hate filled bile onto me quite young. It's awful, I don't want to hurt him, but I am so done with his ways.

Any advice on dealing with a parent you don't really like as a person? How do I get to the point where we just visit once a month?

Hi op I am very low contact with my parent. Works ok zero drama zero stress. Am always afraid what she would say next. Maybe once month is plenty. I find negativity draining

@Mary46 Yes so do I. The trouble is before I had children I wasn't exactly in a great headspace so found it easy to be negative to appease him. But I'm not like that anymore and not prepared to play along either. I know he won't like seeing us only once a month. Currently I see him weekly, he babysits whilst I have a driving lesson. Once I've passed my test I'll have no need to go there so I'm looking forward to passing. I feel bad about that but I can't see any other way of staying sane about the relationship other than to put in some distance.

Its hard op. She started taking it out on my child when I didnt react so I had to make changes. What age group? Mine 70s.

Once I moved out of their home I went fairly low contact with both parents and only saw them about once a month. There was no big row - I just grew distant from them both socially and intellectually. The problem with parents is that they will always see you as children. Mine had no comprehension of the changed social status between a kid growing up in a poor working class home and a highly qualified adult in a professional career. They still thought they could talk to me in the same way.

Mine lives far far away as they decided to move away from us all, so I don't see them often. Although they probably did us a favour by moving! However they ring me, talk about themselves, criticise me a bit then all is quiet for a month. Maybe you could convince them to emigrate?

I realised a while ago they have this 'thing' where everything is somehow my own fault (is there a name for that?) for example if my car went wrong it would be 'did you not notice xyz' 'surely you must have known something was wrong before that happened' or things like 'why did you take it to THAT garage' 'HOW MUCH to repair?' etc etc. There are thinly veiled criticisms everywhere, often posed as 'concerned' questions. I'm not quite sure how to describe it tbh.

Even worse though, I realised I do it to my own kids because previously I had no idea, but at least now I do, I can make a concerted effort to stop. It makes me quite mad actually, more because I've learnt that behaviour and repeated it with my own kids, than because they do it to me. They also do it to my kids but very very rarely see them. I know I need to tackle it but I don't know how. If I say anything they will gaslight me, because obviously it will be my own fault for taking it the wrong way or whatever

So not much advice I'm afraid, but I can definitely empathise!