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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to check he bloody wants to go away with me

22 replies

HaggisBurger · 30/09/2021 11:30

Uuugh. I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months. We are due to go to Paris this weekend - our first weekend away. I’ve been really looking forward to it.
Since Sunday when we last saw each other (really lovely happy day) I’ve just felt a vibe of something has changed. We normally message each other quite a lot. Admittedly it’s me initiating more than him but lots of back and
forth. But this week he hasn’t initiated a single message - just responded fairly briefly when I’ve messaged. And when I haven’t - he just hasn’t messsged at all. Bar this morning when I finally got a desultory message about the weather and how it would be nicer when we are away. I feel like shit, and feel angry / embarrassed that I feel like shit. He has been very keen (we both have) up to now but it feels like he’s I don’t know got cold feet, or something. Or maybe an ex has been in touch. I hate the thought of “forcing” something like messaging and I don’t feel that we need to be messaging all bloody day long. It’s more like - surely you are thinking about me and would like to check in, or just share that you’re looking forward to going away and so on. He has been single for a long time, no kids and only one longish term r’ship. Maybe this is the avoidance that I was concerned would be lurking with a guy who otherwise seemed great, attractive, own home etc. (We are both mid 40s). Or maybe I’m just needy and weird.
So AIBU to have said can we speak at lunchtime and just double check he does want to go and that nothing has come up for him? Or will I just sound mad / create an atmosphere that ruins the weekend if we do go. I don’t consider myself high maintenance or needy but I do have a big fear of being the driving force in a relationship. I want it to be equal.

YBU - leave the bloke alone he’s probably busy with work
YNBU - ask what’s going on

OP posts:
NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 30/09/2021 11:33

He's probably packing, getting last minute bits, haircuts etc in between work and maybe seeing kids if he has any?

3scape · 30/09/2021 11:35

I'm not someone who gets into communication every day and through a day. BUT obviously this has set off a niggle, shouldn't totally overlook it. I would normally resolve worries with a face to face chat. So Yanbu
The only other side to this is sometimes when a relationship moves to a more involved stage (holidaying together) some men and women do change to a more sedate pace of communicating and start to feel more secure. That's all of got as any possible might be going on for the positive

Sirzy · 30/09/2021 11:37

Going away with someone for the first time is a big thing. Going away at the moment is a big thing. In would be thinking maybe he is just feeling nervous.

I am going away for the weekend with my partner (very much long term) tomorrow for the first time since covid and my anxiety is sky high about it. Much more than it has been when doing the same trip previously

VioletVesper · 30/09/2021 11:39

To me the fact he mentioned the weather and it being better when you are away suggests he does want to and is planning to go.

Holskey · 30/09/2021 11:39

No, trust your gut on this. If you don't come sider yourself high-maintenence or needy and something feels off, it probably is. See how he is why actually together though, because messages can be misleading, especially after only 3 months. Don't be ashamed to just ask him, without making it too big a deal.

Holskey · 30/09/2021 11:40

Consider*

ashmts · 30/09/2021 11:43

I agree with @3scape that he's possibly relaxed into the 'relationship' (if you're ready to call it that) and maybe doesn't feel the need to be texting all the time now you're past the early stages. He did text you this morning. I really don't think you should ask to speak at lunchtime. The trip is organised, it's midweek, he's probably just busy. I'd leave it and see how the weekend goes. Saying that, usually when you get a vibe like this it's not totally unfounded, so just see how things play out. But I think if you force a big chat you might cause issues rather than resolve them.

Funny seeing all the different opinions on this though!

rookiemere · 30/09/2021 11:44

Maybe he wants to save conversation for the weekend?

I don't think you should call him, if anything I'd draw back a bit unless there are logistics you need to check. I think calling him would create a weird dynamic particularly if there's nothing wrong and he has just been busy.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 11:49

I wouldn't contact him for a 'talk about it' - if he's feeling a bit nervous about it (and that is entirely natural and normal) he may feel put on the spot.

Carry on as normal and I'm sure you'll have a lovely time once you see him in person.

UniBallEye · 30/09/2021 11:51

I'd give him a call at lunchtime / later and chat about the plans for going away - you'll be able to tell a lot about how he's feeling by his level of enthusiasm etc
Hopefully it's just he's busy sorting out work etc before going away, especially if your last meeting him was all lovely as usual.
I hope you have a fab romantic weekend together!

Bin85 · 30/09/2021 11:54

Is it the first time you will be sharing a bed?

Original poster
HaggisBurger · 30/09/2021 12:08

@Bin85

Is it the first time you will be sharing a bed?
Gosh no. Lots of previous bedsharing plus we’ve spent weekends together at his before and so on. But defo a step to go away, fly etc.

He doesn’t have kids and has been busy with work this week I do know that. It’s just that even when I’ve worked a 14 hour day I still find the time to message him. But I know everyone is different.

OP posts:
Itsanewdah · 30/09/2021 12:15

Its end of Q3 this week. Depending on where he works he might barely have time to eat or go to the loo this week, let alone text!

Original poster
HaggisBurger · 30/09/2021 12:20

@Itsanewdah

Its end of Q3 this week. Depending on where he works he might barely have time to eat or go to the loo this week, let alone text!
Nope that’s not his type of work but he may just be flat out. I guess.
OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 30/09/2021 12:24

You're going away this weekend where you'll be together 24/7. He's said he's looking forward to it, he did mentioning the weather would be nicer.
He's busy sorting stuff ready for the weekend, and imagines since you're off to Paris together you don't need constant reassurance.

Original poster
HaggisBurger · 30/09/2021 12:30

@theemmadilemma ok. You’re right. X

OP posts:
hopeishere · 30/09/2021 12:37

I'd just mentally prepare myself in case he did bail and did I want to go on my own or not.

Do many men get ready for a holiday in advance?? DH thinks about packing 10 minutes before we are leaving!!

theemmadilemma · 30/09/2021 13:04

@hopeishere

I'd just mentally prepare myself in case he did bail and did I want to go on my own or not.

Do many men get ready for a holiday in advance?? DH thinks about packing 10 minutes before we are leaving!!

But I bet you washed and ironed the stuff he was taking? And did all those last minutes bits around the house that need doing before leaving for a weekend? He lives alone so there are likely little jobs to get done.
Original poster
HaggisBurger · 30/09/2021 14:30

So we did speak and actually it was good. So he

… is quite wrapped up in work and a tricky project
… a bit anxious about travelling abroad (he’s not been away since before the pandemic - whereas I have)
… a bit nervous about us being away given it’s a new relationship
… juggling chores like packing and changing his bed sheets as I’m staying with him on Sunday night when we get back

but none of this was offered in a bullshit excuse type of way. And he did fully accept why I would want us to be in contact, and sharing our excitement and so on. He also mentioned that he prefers phone calls to WhatsApp but wasn’t sure if it was ok to call me in the evening as I do have kids. So it was good to have that conversation as I told him that was fine (I’ve got teens I’m not wrapped up in bed / bath). Overall I was glad I spoke up as my habit in my marriage was just to say nothing. I do think he knows that I need reassurance but in a non-needy way. Or not unduly needy. We all have needs. Thanks for the handhold all.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 30/09/2021 14:41

Glad to hear it OP!

UniBallEye · 30/09/2021 15:19

I'm so glad to hear it - now you can get excited and enjoy the weekend!

Scarydinosaurs · 30/09/2021 15:22

That’s a good outcome! I hope you have a lovely time away!

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